HIV - Fear and Loathing (and Anxiety) but is it REAL?

[BenC83]

I’d like to share my story with you. I’m not really sure whether I’m expecting help or maybe I’m just hoping this writing experience to be cathartic. There are many people in similar situations to me, but as always with this kind of thing, I’m convinced my case is “unique” or different.

Firstly, let me give you a bit of background. I have always been afraid of death (an intense fear). I’ve always been a hypochondriac. I have often experienced depersonalisation and derealisation, often in relation to the “death” issue. I am not religious, and so cannot find any solace in prayer.

I have a very low opinion of myself, I have no self-confidence and am struggling with my job / finances at the moment.

I have had one or two unsafe sexual exposures in my life. I have tested for HIV out to 22 months. All negative – but with very real ongoing symptoms since the exposure. Some can be attributed to stress / anxiety. Others cannot. Too much of a coincidence, I often think.

I struggle to accept my negative results. I look for every reason as to why I shouldn’t believe them. In the process I have convinced myself that I must have CVID (lack of antibodies) causing the frequent colds, oral thrush; I have then convinced myself that I am one of the serosilent who never develop antibodies. This leads to further depersonalisation. Fear. Anxiety.
My fears with this started with me being afraid of herpes. Then syphilis. Then HIV.

If you play the numbers game, I should be statistically in the clear – but what if I’m “the one” who is unlucky that the tests missed. I don’t trust my body.

And as with anything when one is incredibly worried, everywhere I look all I see are things related to HIV – articles, numbers, letters. A shudder instantly goes through my spine. It seems too much of a coincidence – almost like destiny.

I spend hours a day looking at all the HIV forums on the internet – looking for someone in a similar situation. Looking to convince myself one way or the other. Occasionally, I go through a few months of normality before the fear sets in again. The consequences are too dangerous to just “let it go”. I can't let it go for fear of it coming back to bite me.
Of course, I was unfaithful. I told my girlfriend. But when I look in to her eyes I can’t forgive myself. I don’t want to hurt her. I hate uncertainty.

I long to go back to my childhood (or even just a few years ago). When things were simple. When life was good. I don’t want to be here. Thinking about HIV, odds, statistics and symptoms. I want to move on. I am stuck in a nightmare of my own making.

As soon as I get some clarity of thought, I can relax somewhat, but I've read so much about testing and this disease that I know too much for my mind to rest fully. If it's not the fear of what it actually could be, it's the fear of what could have been. I seem to jump between the two.

I think my problems come from a number of things, such as fear of infecting a partner, my fear of death, hypochondria and other self esteem / anxiety issues. The combination of all of these has just blown me sideways.

I think this has moved beyond simple "guilt". It has been wth me so long now that it has almost made the disease a "reality".

My gf says that the key is forgiving myself. But I can't. I need assurances that people (and science?) don't seem to be able to give me. And when they do, I take them on board for around a week before I convince myself that just because they have said something, it doesn't change my situation or how I perceive it. Bizarrely, I keep thinking that getting alternative tests (not based on antibodies) will help, yet no doubt that if they returned negative (not that I can get them where I am anyway) then I still wouldn't believe them.

Today, I've been calculating odds like crazy – working out what the chances of different scenarios, the chances that I may not have this, the chances that she doesn't have it, the chances that the tests are correct etc. I like to try and look at the numbers to help me put things into perspective. I even try to visualise them (for example, imagining a packed football stadium full of people), but again, logic does not help.

I know this has been a bit of a rant. I’m hoping it will help (me and others). But at the moment, I’m at a loss.

[randomworry]

not to make light of the situation because i have had the same problem with the HIV fear but at some point you have to say screw it i want to live! and refuse to worry instead occupy your mind with things you enjoy- a good start would be to stop looking up information about HIV on the net because as you say you can end up knowing too much and this is counterproductive. Moreover how do you know the validity of everything you read on the net.

all the best

[BenC83]

Thanks for the reply. Indeed, I already know too much, and that is part of the problem! It has gotten to the point where 1 in a hundred million seems quite poor odds!

[CJH86]

Hi, i understand where you are coming from and it is so easy to convince yourself that the tests/Dr's have missed something. Interestingly out of all of the inconcievable things i worry about HIV doesnt bother me these days, saying that it petrified me when i was younger and i had a couple of tests to try and put my mind at ease.

Back to the subject of the actual HIV tests (ive carried out a few in lab practicals at university), you may have been told but antibodies for HIV only tend to hang around a matter of months after infection (i think). Also the other techniques used such as those to detect the viral proteins are commonly done these days when testing blood, they are extremely sensitive and are more likely to give a false positive result than a negative, hense several different tests are carried out at a time to confirm results!

You mention CVID's? these are rare (but if you are anything like me you have studies them to death) have you had a test for antibodies to rule this out? I think even a simple full blood count test could rule this out as i think it would affect leukocyte/lymphocyte count. It is normal for the average healthy adult to get 4 or more colds a year (depending on their working/living condition it can be even more)....interesting you mention oral thrush, do you use a steroid inhaeler for asthma at all as this can cause it?

I think feeling run down and anxious doesnt help the immune system either, i always used to get bronchitis (when i smoked) and sore throats when i was run down and actually ive had 4 colds, the flu and the winter vomiting virus over the last 3 months (i send a lot of time around ill people )

take care x

[BenC83]

I haven't been tested for CVID. I don't really need to. After all, I've never had a bacterial infection in my life. And last year seemed to be a bad year for colds for a lot of people. I've been fine since September, really.
A normal CBC won't rule it out. You need differentials and subclasses tested as well (see, I've read too much!)
With regards to the thrush (if that's what it really is - Doctors disagree), I have no reason to have it - no antibiotics, no inhalers, non-diabetic etc, but it has been there for over two years.

I've had normal CBCs, Hep, Thyroid, Glucose etc etc.

[drummermike]

Trust the labs. Oral thrush (if you really have it clinically) can be cause by other sources including your immune system being low for all your stress. HIV is NOT as easy to catch as the media would like to play it up for heterosexuals. Although of course it can be transmitted this way.

If you tested early on and the 3-6 months later, you don't have it. 99.9% of the tire on cars in the USA right now will not spontaneously blow because of a defect. Trust the labs, trust the tools. Today's HIV, HSV etc ... tests are sensitive and accurate.

You have been tested out 22 months? Yeah you don't have it.

[tashbarnes87]

HI Ben, i to have a massive HIV fear, i have an unsafe encounter 6 years ago. I have been tested and of course it was negative but i have been back to the docs endless times as i cannot believe the results. The doc basically said the same as CJH86 about false positives i was scared that perhaps that someone else had my results and i had the negatives he also said this just doesnt happen and relatively speaking HIV is such a low risk. Yes possible to catch it but you are far more liekly to have chlamydia etc. I read a horrible stat the other day that 1 in 10 under 24's have chlamydia ewww. How long ago did you have the test? I to have many symptoms that are also symptoms of HIV, frequent colds, burning tongue fatigue etc etc but then i also have all the symptoms of someone who is tired running around after a newborn lol. There are loads of people on here who have a massive fear of it too, buy please try and believe your results you do not have it! They do not make mistakes x

[Stressed32]

Hi Ben- I have had a fear of HIV for a while too. I made the mistake of googling when my hubby got a staph infection (boils) saw HIV and spent the next 6 months obsessing online reading about HIV convincing myself I had it and gave it to him. I never stopped to think that he gave it to me as he was no angel before we were married...LOL. I too have a great deal of guilt for my own reasons and i too have had a - test.
My point is this...STAY OFF OF GOOGLE! I spoke with a guy here in the states that works for the US Aids foundation and he told me that the information on Google is VERY general. He also told me that no, normal blood work does not pick up HIV...but it does pick up on abnormalities that HIV would cause in your white and red blood cells as soon as 3 months after exposure. The doctor would have asked you to take an HIV test. Think about how many people go their whole lives without ever taking 1 test.....ur fine!
Ben....we have ALL made our mistakes honey. This is not HIV...but rather a nice cocktail of anxiety mixed with guilt...the worst combo ever! Trust me...I know from experience! There are other sites that you can read on the internet that go against everything we think we know about HIV (see below). If your going to obsess...maybe obsess over the other side of the HIV coin. I have spent HOURS reading these instead of what google throws at me, and whether they are true or not, which I have no way to know, they make u think something other than u have it! I personally think the truth lies someplace in the middle...but this is for sure.....it is NOT as easy to catch as your anxiety is making you beleive. I am sorry you are suffering, but try to think logically. Good luck honey! HIV fear SUCKS and for me...it never goes away, just gets less prevalent in my mind.

http://houseofnumbers.com/about-hous...umbers/trailer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_nDd...&feature=email
http://forums.aidsmythexposed.com/ma...-gp160env.html
http://www.pulitzer.org/archives/5997
http://www.fumento.com/comment.html
http://video.google.com/videosearch?...=eN&sitesearch=# this is a video
http://www.peaceandlove.ca/AIDSsexmyth.html
http://www.fearoftheinvisible.com/aids-and-sex Good one an recent!
http://home.uchicago.edu/~eoster/aids.pdf

ok, and I have more! Just let me know...see you are not the only one to obsess! LOL. Click on the links from these too and you can spend hours convincing yourself you DONT have it! That is what matters here...train your brain to think something other than you have it...then maybe you'll be like me and get angry b/c these websites DO NOT pop up when you google HIV! Good Luck!

[Hollytree]

I went through the HIV scare, it stayed with me for a long time!! it dominated my life every single day. Every cough, cold, ache, pain it all related to my belief i had HIV. Until i actually went and got tested, via my doctors orders!!! i think i drove him crazy!! it was negative, i even have a copy of it. They can't afford to mess up on HIV tests it would put lives at risk it they got it wrong. I was told that 3 independent people look at the blood test to confirm the result.

So if its negative its negative.

xxhugsxx

[LisaLisa]

I’d like to share my story with you. I’m not really sure whether I’m expecting help or maybe I’m just hoping this writing experience to be cathartic. There are many people in similar situations to me, but as always with this kind of thing, I’m convinced my case is “unique” or different.

Firstly, let me give you a bit of background. I have always been afraid of death (an intense fear). I’ve always been a hypochondriac. I have often experienced depersonalisation and derealisation, often in relation to the “death” issue. I am not religious, and so cannot find any solace in prayer.

I have a very low opinion of myself, I have no self-confidence and am struggling with my job / finances at the moment.

I have had one or two unsafe sexual exposures in my life. I have tested for HIV out to 22 months. All negative – but with very real ongoing symptoms since the exposure. Some can be attributed to stress / anxiety. Others cannot. Too much of a coincidence, I often think.

I struggle to accept my negative results. I look for every reason as to why I shouldn’t believe them. In the process I have convinced myself that I must have CVID (lack of antibodies) causing the frequent colds, oral thrush; I have then convinced myself that I am one of the serosilent who never develop antibodies. This leads to further depersonalisation. Fear. Anxiety.
My fears with this started with me being afraid of herpes. Then syphilis. Then HIV.

If you play the numbers game, I should be statistically in the clear – but what if I’m “the one” who is unlucky that the tests missed. I don’t trust my body.

And as with anything when one is incredibly worried, everywhere I look all I see are things related to HIV – articles, numbers, letters. A shudder instantly goes through my spine. It seems too much of a coincidence – almost like destiny.

I spend hours a day looking at all the HIV forums on the internet – looking for someone in a similar situation. Looking to convince myself one way or the other. Occasionally, I go through a few months of normality before the fear sets in again. The consequences are too dangerous to just “let it go”. I can't let it go for fear of it coming back to bite me.
Of course, I was unfaithful. I told my girlfriend. But when I look in to her eyes I can’t forgive myself. I don’t want to hurt her. I hate uncertainty.

I long to go back to my childhood (or even just a few years ago). When things were simple. When life was good. I don’t want to be here. Thinking about HIV, odds, statistics and symptoms. I want to move on. I am stuck in a nightmare of my own making.

As soon as I get some clarity of thought, I can relax somewhat, but I've read so much about testing and this disease that I know too much for my mind to rest fully. If it's not the fear of what it actually could be, it's the fear of what could have been. I seem to jump between the two.

I think my problems come from a number of things, such as fear of infecting a partner, my fear of death, hypochondria and other self esteem / anxiety issues. The combination of all of these has just blown me sideways.

I think this has moved beyond simple "guilt". It has been wth me so long now that it has almost made the disease a "reality".

My gf says that the key is forgiving myself. But I can't. I need assurances that people (and science?) don't seem to be able to give me. And when they do, I take them on board for around a week before I convince myself that just because they have said something, it doesn't change my situation or how I perceive it. Bizarrely, I keep thinking that getting alternative tests (not based on antibodies) will help, yet no doubt that if they returned negative (not that I can get them where I am anyway) then I still wouldn't believe them.

Today, I've been calculating odds like crazy – working out what the chances of different scenarios, the chances that I may not have this, the chances that she doesn't have it, the chances that the tests are correct etc. I like to try and look at the numbers to help me put things into perspective. I even try to visualise them (for example, imagining a packed football stadium full of people), but again, logic does not help.

I know this has been a bit of a rant. I’m hoping it will help (me and others). But at the moment, I’m at a loss.

OMG i have tried to answer this thread three times now snd the answer keeps getting eaten but i sooooooo need to tell you hoe similar we are and why we are okay honestly

Am going to try and pm you and see if that works!!

nightmare computer

Lisa
xxx