I have been faced with a very strange feeling today.....
I've been fighting my throat anxiety and panic attacks for 8 months and am still off stick from work. I have been making very steady progress, even though a bit slow at times but it's still progress. Today I attended my first day of CBT and covered the basics, then we'll work a plan next week and it's then the exposure starts. Great..... I have all the help I need and work seem to be supporting me well too!
The BAD thing that has happened is that I was one of the affected by Tiny computers waiting for a refund of 1039 pounds which it now looks like I'm going to lose. I haven't been depressed in this entire 8 months and up until this day still aren't but today I considered suicide. How bizarre is that? I just feel like I'm the loser all the time, I always seem to suffer losses like these, fall over myself to help others in life and rarely get it back (other than on here!) and I just stopped today and thought "what is the point in life?"
I don't even feel tearful or depressed but I found myself thinking how easy an overdose would be and even thought I may be capable of carrying it out. How selfish of me! I feel quite strange writing this now as I've never really classed myself as being suicidal, even in my worst days of depression 5 years ago, I fought for all I was worth and eventually got through it even though the "simple way out" did briefly cross my mind then, it wasn't as out of the blue or profound as today. Bizarre....
I did tell the therapist that I went to see....
Mark
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