Losing a partner to anxiety and depression

[Gareth]

Hi all,

I had a kind of a breakdown five months ago and ever since have been suffering from GAD and depression. I have been with my partner for 7 years and we married in November of last year, three months before my problems came on.

I am having psychotherapy and have discovered through that that I have low sense of personal safety / security because of a period in my childhood where my parents separated messily, my mother tried to kill herself and then had years of breakdown and depression.

My problem now is, upon making these discoveries about myself, it is exactly the same time as my wife is beginning to talk in terms of being unsure if she and I have a long-term future together. She says that she feels that the person I was has gone and has been swallowed by misery, and that she is beginning to think that we can never find true happiness together. I feel like it is the beginning of the end and that she has already made up her mind to leave, but she wants to do the right thing and wait until I am a little stronger.

This is really difficult for a number of reasons. Firstly I feel like she is the only really good thing in my life, and certainly the only person who understands me. Secondly, in the early days of our relationship I helped her through psychotherapy, and she has been having it for five years. Now that she finally feels very strong, and it is me that is down, she is thinking of leaving. This makes me furious and there is nothing I can do about it. Thirdly, this feeling of abandonment and lack of security is precisely what I need to face about my past in the psychotherapy, and now it is happening again in my current life, so I have the double whammy! I am now sure I am strong enough for this.

My wife tells me that she has no plans to leave, but that for the first time she is doubting that we can be happy. She says she would just like to see how it goes. But I feel like I have lost her already.

Does anyone out there have any experience of losing someone because of their anxiety/depression? How do you cope with something this huge when you are at your lowest, weakest, most vulnerable?

be well,
Gareth






*** I think, therefore I'm anxious ***

[vernon]

Hi Gareth, I am realy sorry to hear that, it must be horrible with how you are feeling too. I realy dont know what I would do and hope someone out there can help you. I have been married nearly 30 years and our marrage is realy strong , we are also best friends and she realy supports me . I have had anxiety and drink problems for many years, but stopped drinking fully 2 years ago. without my wife i couldnt have done this and at times I feel so guilty that she puts up with so much from me. If she said somthing like we have no future it would be a big bad blow to me, so I think I partly understand what you are going through. OR, Maybe she is just depressed at the moment and hopfully didnt mean what she said? I hope things turn out for you and am sure you will get lots of help and support from here. Take Care. Vernon

[Gareth]

Thanks for the reply Vernon. I don't suppose there is anything I can do but be the person I am and try to get better at my own speed. If her feelings for me have changed then there is nothing really that I can do about it.
I hope that it is just my anxiety over-reacting to what she has said. She admits she is feeling depressed and says that she has no plans to leave me, so until that changes and she actually says she is going, then I will try to continue with my marriage as normal, while trying to improve it for the better.
Gareth

*** I think, therefore I'm anxious ***

[Meg]

Oh Gareth,

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know you say she understands you but does she understand this condition, that this is mainly a transient condition and will improve especially as you are working hard to help yourself.

This is not how you are going to be for life - its a really bad year but you haven't changed who you are although are probably being terribly intrspective at present

5 months is no time at all especially with these sorts of disorders that accumulate and then take time to resolve .

I remember clearly having a serious conversation with my partner about what we would do with my house/ job etc if I ended up in short/long term psych inpatient facilities. I was so convinced it would happen
Thats was when I couldn't/ wouldn't go 300 yrds to the shop.

Now all is well again and we can laugh about it but I was deadly serious and terrified at the time and so was he it seems, but he wasn't about to chuck it in so early on.

How is she coping with her 7/7 experiences and trip away since ?

What about 'for better for worse- sickness and health ' stuff

Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[Gareth]

Hi Meg,

She is OK about the 7/7 experience now, but it seems that her trip away to the USA has affected her greatly. She stayed with a family out there and she says that people were "happy" and "easy with each other" and that is what she wants for her life, and that our relationship seems to have been based on struggle and fighting as a team through things.

It is true that we've had a lot of hardship. We both have similar family experiences and ever since the start things seemed to go wrong for us, and we always had to work really hard. I think after the wedding in November last year my wife started to really feel better and stronger in herself and we were finally hoping for a really happy future. Then I broke down, out of the blue. I think she is still trying to cope with the disappointment of that. I think she feels it will always be the same for us - one crisis after another and no light at the end of the tunnel.

I suppose I have always been quite negative (but I never thought really badly so) which is one of the things that led to the "breakdown" earlier this year. It is that negativity that she cites as being depressing for her, now that she feels more positive and stronger as a person.

I just wish she had waited until I was a little stronger before telling me how she has been feeling, but I think she didn't wait because she has lost faith in me - after five months she has lost faith in the hope that I will get better. I guess she wants to prepare me for the worst.

You are lucky that you had unconditional support. I feel mine is conditional now and has a ticking clock attached to it. What happened to for better or worse? I have no idea. Any pact can easily be broken I suppose, that is the way of the world.

On the bright side of things - she says she has no actual plans to go anywhere and wants to stay and help me to feel stronger. She doesn't want to just throw away all of the years we've had together and the life that we have built. She says that she is in a stronger position than me and what she wants us to do is to get me stronger, and then sit and have a look at the relationship and see if we offer each other what we really need and want.

The problem is I feel much less able to get that position of strength now that the security of my marriage has been so challenged by this. I am catastrophising this in my head and this is going to hold me back.

Funnily enough though, having something real and concrete to worry about also gives me perspective on my anxiety. The feeling of anxiety I have had for five months has changed and now has a focus. All of a sudden I feel like that if I could just fix this one problem then I would be well. But that could be the anxiety just playing more tricks on me.

thanks for listening,
Gareth


*** I think, therefore I'm anxious ***