Adoption

[sal]

Had a really horrible time at my brothers wedding. Most of you will know that i was adopted and i found out my parents got married and had 3 boys, so hence why i was at my oldest brothers wedding. Before i rabbit on my middle brother Mett i am close to and he feels how i do and we regret the years we couldnt spent together.

Well the wedding was horrible in the church although we arrived early we had no seats so had to sit on the brides side. Then at the reception my mother struggled to speak and my dad always in her shadow is too scared to talk to his daughter. Dan who was getting married didnt even ackowledge me, Simon or Sam. I was a farce and Simon was really upset and couldnt understand how a mother could be so distant.

I guess i learnt the hard way. I have being in touch with her for 15 years and she wanted that but after Saturday i can see that she doesnt appreciate Sam or me at all.

Whether right or wrong i have decided to break all ties from her, it hurts but not as much as how she treated me and being at my brothers wedding i was an outsiders and i felt so out of it and i didnt belong.

I want to write her a letter and i know some people will think that is harsh but if you met her you would totally understand where i am coming from.

She rejected me but it hurt more that she rejected Sam her grand daughter, i cant understand how anyone can do that.

I know i am hurting but i also know how she treated me i didnt deserve that and she doesnt deserve Sam or me to be in her life.

I have decided now on no contact but how to tell her i do need advice on that.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.


"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".

[helen__w]

Hi Sal

I'm sorry you had such a horrible time at your brothers wedding.

My eldest brother is adopted and he found out that his parents got married and had 7 children, he was the middle child but at the time his parents couldn't afford to keep him as his parents were having an affair so were not married at the time so they chose to have him adopted. He has had no contact with his blood family as I know he doesnt really forgive them for choosing to have him adopted out of 7 children and fears being rejected again.

I completely understand the pain you are feeling, I know I dont know
anything about your situation but perhaps your mum cant deal with the
guilt of having you adopted and maybe seeing you is a constant reminder of her decision. I'm not saying that it is right what she is doing, at the end of the day she should be grateful she has the opportunity to make up for lost time as many people never see their
children again.

If you have made the decision to cut all ties maybe you should do it in person so that your mum has the chance to give you an explaination and you can ask anything you want. If you write a letter you may feel dissatisfied and have many of your questions left unanswered. You could always make a list of what has upset you and take
it with you - you need answers and you and your family deserve
respect.

I know this is a really hard time for you but I hope you manage to get some sort of closure, or manage to make your mum realise what she is doing so that she has the chance to realise that she will risk losing you again if she doesnt sort herself out!

Take care

Helen x

[stimpy]

Oh Sal I'm so sorry you must feel terrible.

It could well be feelings of guilt that made your family behave this way.
Maybe they didn't have the words to express how they felt and so they decided to say nothing.
Who knows?

I think if I had been treated that way I would want to break ties too.

If you want to break ties with the family I would do it in person.
Make a list of all the questions you want answers to.
So that when you have closure there is nothing left to second guess.

I wish I could think of something to say to make things feel better.




Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.


[]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'

[Gareth]

Hi Sal,

When family situations aren't perfect, weddings can indeed be horrible experiences.

I got married in November of last year. Both my wife and my parents are divorced and haven't been in the same room together for 15 years, and this was to be the first time they were. Also my father has a new family - two girls. My relationship with him is emotionally distant and there are many things unsaid. For some bizarre reason neither of them understood why I was nervous about this beforehand, and neither of them made any attempt to help me through it.

My wedding day became entirely about my parents, it was all I could think about all day, and made even worse when at the end of the event my father got so drunk he tried to pick a fight with the manager of the place where we had the wedding. This became the first thing I thought about the next day. He phoned me to apologise after my honeymoon but we didn't speak properly for months.

This was a major trigger for my "breakdown" in March of this year. Since that breakdown I am trying to manage my emotions better, and one way I did this was to confront my father on this issue and get a proper apology for both myself and for my wife. I feel like I can more easily move on with a relationship with him now, although there will always be problems because of how emotionally distant he is.

All I wanted to say is that I think I know how you feel. You are angry right now and so you should be. The thing is, what to do with that anger? If you really and genuinely feel that your life will be improved by cutting ties to your mother, then do it. But if you really search yourself, is that really the case? Perhaps you need to go through a mourning process of accepting that you will never get the love from your mother that you should have got as a child. You need to feel sad about that and allow the feelings to come. It may be too difficult to speak to her, but revealing your feelings in a letter, in a non-accusatory way, might be the way forward. If she comes back to you, still not understanding where you are coming from, and still displaying a total lack of care, then think about perhaps cutting off ties for your own emotional well-being.

I am sure you know all this already. But remember that it is OK for you to feel as hurt as you do. You've been dealt a raw deal and its alright to feel sad. But you also have made a life for yourself outside of that, and you can hold on to that and let it give you comfort.

all the very best with it,
Gareth

*** I think, therefore I'm anxious ***

[pips]

Hi Sal hun,

I'm so sorry you had to go through that sweetheart.

I don't understand how anyone could do that either. People can be so cruel and when it's friends and family it hurts even more. Please remember darling they are the ones that have lost out. I'm sure she will realise that. Some people are just very stubbon and pride gets in the way.

If you speak with her she might realise what she stands to loose and her attitude might change hopefully.

Remember I am always here for you mate whatever. I hope things do get sorted for you.

So sorry you are hurting sweetheart. I can empathise with you although it's not the same as the pain you are going through. This is the first year in 12 years my was closest friend hasen't bothered with my Birthday. She hasn't answered letters texts phone calls she has cut of all ties ever since she moved a year ago.

I think sometimes we just have to let go if they are not bothered even though it hurts so. Else we just set ourselves up for a fall each time.

Take good care hun. Chin up mate Loadsa PMT to you.

Love & BIG BIG HUGS to you.

PIP'S X X X X

[alexis]

Hi Sal, its difficult to say a lot when I come from a stable background I can only imagine how you feel but Im here Sal if you need me just text or pm, thinking of you, Love Alexis,xx

[sal]

Hi and thank you all for your great replies.

Gareth you have being through a lot and your reply has helped me loads, thanks for that.

Helen thanks for that, i know i might not get answers from writing a letter, but i really dont think i could face seeing her when i feel like this and i feel if i write a letter i am getting all i want to say down on paper and not giving her a chance to talk over me or dismiss it whilst i am there.

Pips i can totally understand how you feel about your friend and i am really sorry that she hasnt got in touch on your birthday, i am sending you an extra big hug from me.

Liz thanks for you post, it helps to know that people understand and can see where i am coming from.

I still havent decided to definately write the letter and what the contents would be as there is so much to say, or do i let it pass and just move on with my life. But i still feel i need some closure and i dont want her to get in touch in a few months as though everything is okay.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.


"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".

[kairen]

Hi Sal,

I think it would be best to write it all down, it will do you good writing it even if you never send it, but like u sat u need to do something, she may not even realize how distant she is towards you, is she the kind of person who shows her emotions, maybe she finds it hard,

My husband is adopted, he has not traced his real parents, but his sister who is also adopted did unfortunatley it did not work out,

You have nothing to loose in writing the letter even if you never send it will get it out your system a bit

take care pet



kairen x

[sal]

Thanks for that Kairen.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.


"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".

[Sarah-Jane]

Awww Sal hurrendous situation. I have an older brother that was adopted, i have tried to find him but with no help from family at all they never speak about him, out of shame id say but thats how it is. I met my real dad when i was 17 and although very pleased times have been at times tough to take and i have felt as though im always walking on egg shells with him, constantly being critizised and never feeling i was ever good enough for his expectations of me being his daughter. I went on holiday a month ago to spain with my husband andy and my real dad things were fine but then started to argue and not speak until one day i let rip on all the things ive felt and wanted to say to him over the years. We have never spoken about the argument since but things are so much better now and i feel more at ease for getting of my chest what i had to say to him all these years. I was at risk of him never speaking to me but since i never grew up with him and spent the past 4 years him not speaking to me because his disaproval and stubourness towards me. The worst i was gonna risk was loosing him again and to be honest ive been used to that. But glad to say im glad and i think he respects me more for having the balls to front up to him and say exactly how if feel.

As for your situation i dont know its horrible, must be good to have found your family again, but also tense because so many emotions are involved from all parties. Perhaps use my approach say all you feel to your mum and if at the end of the day things are no better then cut all ties with her if you feel thats right for you. but at least till the end of your days you will always know you said what you had to say to her and that she will always herself know how you have been feeling. IF she doesnt want to know you sal, babe its her tragic loss, and it will be a case of you and your daughter being there for eachother and supporting eachother through any tough times ahead. I truly hope you can get this sorted for the good of everyone concerned, but bear in mind sometimes things cant be changed and youll have to prepare to accept that.

message me if you need to talk im always here for you xxxx

Love & Hugs from Sarah-Jane xxxx