Thinking of killing myself but because I'm scared of dying?

[Wee-Mee]

I'm really quite low. Really low and again I have came on here cos I dunno where else to go.

I've suffered depressin aond anxiety for as long as I can remember,got sent ot my first doc when I was about 12 or 13.

Round about the same time I had my first bout of HA and was convinced I had a tumour in my neck.

It seemd to subside though but as I have got older it's all just got worse and a doc had thought I had some BPD traits and OCD aswell.

I got put on prozac and that made me worse..then I got puton floxetine or something and that did nothing and citaolpram which made me numb as hell. And when coming off it gave me really violent mood swings.

"They" decided to take me off of everything cos I was" not alwasy depressed"

I have just got worseover time. I don't know what to do. And my HA is through the roof and it's affecting me mightily.

It's affecting all my relationships.

The latest was my ankle and I asked my mum and she just looked and went" Oh don't start about something else"

I was supposed to be goingout with my partner last night for an evening out together and as I got into town he text and said he was going to be half an hour late,and I text and said,"are you kidding?What am I to do for half an hour up here at this time on my own? I'm already anxious as it is"

I eventually got the nerv to go into the bar we were going to and went to the bathroom and as I walked past I(thankfully) banged into two of my other friends so I was actually able to sit with them for twenty mins or so..but my partner didn't come out til about an hour later.

So I felt like I imposed on my friends evening,I was embarassed that it looked like I was stood up and when he eventually arrived,we argued...and when we got taxi home,it just got worse. He shouted at me in taxi,"Aw you're mental Amy,f**k off and go see a doctor"

When I got out taxi I was in tears and didn't want to go home and give my mum and dad more reason to get annoyed at me.

It kind of sounds trivial I guess what I'm going on about. I know there's alot worse things going on in the world but I am in alot of pain and I'm seriouslythinking of doing something to myself but part of it is because I'm scared of dying. I keep thinking I have cancer or some horrible disease also and if it was the case I would kill myself but it's the dying that I'm scared of.

I don't think this makes sense.

I feel very alone. And I really don't know who to speak to.

I dialed 999 last week after my partner ambushed me from a night out wondering what happened to me etc ( ? ) and I couldn't take it and I phoned them telling them I was thinking bad thoughts and two police came out and said they would take me to hospital but they might not do anything for me cos I had had a drink.. I should have did it when I was sober.. I mean what the hell is that? Drunk people don't need help either apparantly.

Drunk,sober.. I have no help.

Nothing


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[bottleblond]

Hi

Sorry, i keep coming back to this post because the heading is so disturbing.

You are THINKING of killing yourself because you are scared of dying. Again-sorry but i think that is one of the most bizzare statements i have read on the forum.

Wee there IS help out there and it is accessible. I will post a link to some of these help organizations at the bottom of this post.

I truely hope that things turn around for you and you start to get some positivity back in your life.

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=38701

Lisa
x

[RosieXXX]

Hello Wee-Mee,

I know how lonely it can feel when suffering from all of these worrying thoughts, and it is difficult for those who have not suffered from anxiety to understand, but there are plenty of people here who totally understand what you are going through, so please don't feel you have no one to turn to. You say the doctors have tried giving you medication, which hasn't been very successful. Have they ever mentioned some counselling, because that can be very helpful.

It certainly is worthwhile having a good chat with your doctor. Why don't you go back and see the one your saw on Friday, because he seemed to be understanding. You can explain exactly how you are feeling, and ask if he can arrange for some counselling. You will be able to talk through all your worries with someone who has been especially trained to help you see things in a different light. Don't despair, I am sure in time, with the right sort of help you will start to feel better about things. When we suffer from health anxiety it seems our minds cannot rest, and we jump from one crisis to another - i think we can become addicted to the stress and relief cycle in a sub-conscious way. We become very anxious and then seek reassurance, the reassurance can give us relief, but it only lasts a short while before we need to find more comfort, sometimes for a completely different symptom. It is all part of the health anxiety cycle, which is tremendously difficult to break, but it is possible and i am sure you will begin to feel better once you get the right trreatment. I wish I could give you a big hug, and make you believe you will get better - i do understand what you are going through.

[valleybear]

Wee Mee, you had a difficult situation last night, having to be on your own until your partner arrived. It is not trivial to find yourself in an anxious state, and he really didn't help by being cross. You do not have any dreadful illness and deep down you know that but your mind keeps taunting you with symptoms. Please, please know that you can get help to overcome the way you are feeling and can lead a happier life, honestly! Please look at the link that the NMP Administrator has given you and make your mind up to ask for help..it really is out there. Sending love and hugs XXXXX

[nikita]

Ive felt like that too on occasions pet and I can totally empathise with you. What you are going through is horrible and scary and you are just ill. Only problem is our type of illness is not recognised and understood. So we really only have people who go through it also to lean on and support. Your needed on this site and your needed in the world and loved im sure by many. hang in there, you deserve to live your life and bad days go. x

[Wee-Mee]

Thankyou. I will.



I don't know what to do with myself. I have got into this bad place and I feel cos I'm older ,everytime,I'm a bit older it's worse.

As for the title..I know it's strange. I think I mean that I'm scared of dying,finding out I have a disease or something and something that I can't control and it's having a profound affect on my life and relationships that it's making me quite depressed and thinking that if I'm not having a happy time living I should maybe control it and kill myself in a way but then it comes back to me that in the first place,I'm scared of the act of dying if you like.

It's awful hard having this werid cycle of thoughts going on in my head. And I can't get relief from anywhere.

Right now I am roasting,aching all over,dry skin,dry mouth,swollen ankle,bowel problems,weird spot on breast,fighting with my partner,drving my mother and father up the wall.
I am at college part time after a long break and well,that's all going to pooh aswell.

:'( Thanks for the comments.

I may get an appointment on Monday. I just feel I get stared at like I'm crazy..I know I'm not. But I am unwell.

Amy

xxxxxxxxxxx

[belle]

Health anxiety isn't nice. My mother reacts in the same way "What is it now?" and to be honest, i can understand where she's coming from. Every week i have a new illness...it must get a little bit boring after a while (for them, not us!!).

I don't think for ONE SINGLE SECOND there is anything wrong with you. Anxiety has got a firm grip around rational thinking and it's doing it's best to mess you around. I can sit here and pin-point 20 things i have "wrong" with me, right now....are most of them anxiety related - YES! I looked in the mirror earlier and i look yellow, my eyes are dark and sunken....i look really ILL. There is no getting away from actual evidence (my reflection) that there is something wrong, but a twinge here and there...? I'm sure you're FINE!

Why are you unwell?

[nikita]

You sound like your dehydrated amy. Dont worry i get wierd spots everywhere and most people do. Just we freak out over them coz we suffer from anxiety. Fair play to you for going back to college, good on you and stick with it.

[Wee-Mee]

belle-I mean unwell in the kind of mental sense..like just drained and I feel there is a breaking point near.

I have never been hospital commited,nearly have but never have and the thought of that alone is anxiety enhancing enough. I'm not well phsycially though wit my bowels and pelvic probs mostly.Getting tests for that. But I'm losing what's anxiety and what is genuine pain.

And I think that's the docs problems. And I think they are just assuming everything is anxiety which worries me more cos it's the whole "what if"

Nikki- I don't drink nearly enough water nup. I'm sitting with a glass just now.

I used to have a good food and exercise plan and it all went to pooh with eating problems and it really sucks. I'm better with my eating now thankfully. Just have other things to contend with. I will try and stick with college but I have already missed so much and that is just daunting. I felt like crying in class yesterday.

Believe it or not there was a time when I would see or feel a pain or something and I would be like,"ach it's nothing,It will go away on it's on" (my dad is very like that) and then something snapped.

I'm only 22.I want my somewhat ok life back. It really is me just ruining everything.

[nomorepanic]

Amy

You could really do with some CBT for the HA - that would help you loads.

Ask the doc if you get on the waiting list for it.