worried about the future and dying

[Insomniac]

I've been doing very well the last year or so. Increased the number of things I can do greatly, including going to the cinema and eating out and even eating out with people I never met before.

So why is it that I lay in bed the other night and all of a sudden I was worried about my death. Not the fact that I will die, obviously that will happen eventually. Or even how my daughter and husband will cope, which is sometimes I often think about, but not in an anxious way (if you know what I mean). But last night I had a pain, decided it was a cancerous tumour and that I would die. Having successfully talked myself out of that one.... I then had a sudden thought that what if my death means being in hospital for long time, or not being in control (that again!) of pain, or life generally.

This was followed by butterflies, giant ones, going hot & cold, palpitations and the other usual suspects. I was trying not to think about it but wondering what the end of my life will be like in relation to the panic. How will I get away? I feel I probably will still have the PAs then as they have been with me for about 4 years now. Coping with death itself is not a problem its the claustrophobia involved. How strange.

Does anyone else have worries like this? Apart from not letting myself think about it (which has been working so far during the day anyway), and distracting myself a lot what else can I do?

Writing this I am having to remind myself to breathe properly, and lower my shoulders (doing it now). Is there anything I should be doing to make this go away. I thought depression was bad having had it on and off for 20 years now, but I'd rather have that over which I was sometimes able to have more control, than this debilitating, sneaking up on you, restricting, sickening, uncontrollable, incomprehensible PANIC!

Please excuse my waffling, but I feel sad, frustrated and upset (and worried) to feel I might have this forever.

Trying to be positive.... not easy right now.

[Jaco45er]

Hiya Lisa lass

I often wonder about my death, when it will happen, and will it be in 25 years or will it be in the near future, to be remembered as a guy who died relatively young.

I can't stand drama, to pass away in my bed many years from today will do, not a massive drama in a public area, if I have the choice

Interesting you say about death not being instant. God forbid I don't wish my death to come soon, but when it comes, let it be swift. One hates being a burden .

I am no doctor, but I hereby diagnose you and me both, with a bad case of (and hopefully short lived) faulty thinking.

I am having a bit of a struggle too lass, but deep down, this is just our thoughts fooling us.

I hope you feel better soon

Jaco x

[starlight78]

Hi Lisa,

I really do recognise what you are talking about.. I used to experience alot of fear about death.. I hated the fact that i had no control over it and that made me feel claustrophobic and trapped.. I know it sounds bizarre.. I dont feel that way at all anymore, when the depression passed, the intense fear passed with it.. and now i have peace with it.

Susan Jeffers book "embracing uncertainty" has a fabulous chapter in it which really helped me.

I'm doing pretty ok again now, but recently i was experiencing alot of anxiety around the size and unpredictability of life and the unverse and lack of control over any of it, but i've worked that one through also.

I really encourage you to get the Susan Jeffers book, it has helped me so much.
Wishing you lots of luck xx

[Insomniac]

Thanks Jaco,

a bad case of faulty thinking..... I like that!

[Insomniac]

Starlight,,

Thanks for your reply. So far I'm still going with the head in the sand (not letting myself think about it) approach.

but I will definitely get hold of Susan Jeffers book! I'll try at the library or get them to order it for me.

Still feeling dizzy, edgy and having fast heart rate - but not giving in to it!