made a complete mess of it

[lonely]

after doing so good for last week, had cpn appointment today and i messed it all up and let myself down i could see them getting frustrated and this in turn made me feel a whole lot worse to the stage i couldn't breath or see with crying
it was just to hard as we wasn't alone today their was student in there and i felt i couldn't say things i wanted to mention , it really unerved me and i couldn't say no or ask for help i just sat crying, i feel soo stupid
now don't have appointment till a months time ill have write things down that i needed to say so i don't forget
i felt like an utter failure and like they couldn't help and just wanted rid of me, i just couldn't say how i was feeling and why certain things i couldn't do and what i could, i felt like i was being watched from behind and it made me more anxious, i waited 3weeks for the next cpn appointment since meeting and now messed it up, wasted whole hour

also my keyworker pshychiatrist is leaving after i finally found someone i trust in august as they were only temp, so will have see someone else

[lonely]

tday ive posted a letter i wrote to the cpn i put how i felt in the appointment and how i felt when they reacted when i couldn't speak, looking at watch and sighing and putting head in arms, which unerved me even more, i couldn't say why i was soo scared it would of felt rude in front of the student to say i can't do it because of them in room

[maddie]

Well done sending your letter lonely. I have written one to my CPN too, as he always manages to turn our meetings to his agenda and doesn't seem interested in listening to me. I hope they are more considerate and take notice of you at your next meeting. You should have been asked if you minded the student being there - you are perfectly entitled to say no. I have done in the past. Big hugs xx

[lonely]

i think they will get the letter tomorrow, i might go and hide and avoid the phone if it rings im soo scared but things needed to be said about certain things that happened