hello bit of help please

[pinkemobunny]

ok well the first time i came on this website was because i started taking citlopram for depression, after taking them for bout 5 weeks i overdosed because i couldnt cope any more. since then i can not tablets as they make me sick and gag and i just cant face it. so i have had to suffer. i dont want to go back to the doctors coz i cant stand the way they judge me. i have just been on holiday to turkey with some of my family and had a great time (well most of the time) since i came back i have been getting drunk and stoned with my boyfriend. im finding it so hard to cope. in the past i use to have the occional panic attack but now it just seems to be getting worse and i just cant cope. i live with my auntie coz my mum doesnt speak to me so i havent live at home just over 6 months, but now its not going well were im living and i want to move out, im trying to get it all sorted but i just cant it all seem to much. i would love to work abord but i want my boyfriend with me and he cant because he has a son here. everything is so confusesing, im really stressed and scared of getting ill again, i have already thought about ODing again. any advice would be really helpful thank you.

Emma

[redballoons]

Hi
It sounds like things are really hard for you at the moment I can understand why you are feeling stressed and anxious.
I think it is important to tell someone though, because I know from experience that telling someone that you are on the verge of giving up often helps even by letting someone know even if they cant actually help.
Have you thought of calling the samaritans? they wont know who you are and talking about things may help you figure out why you feel like this.
the samaritans number is
08457 90 90 90

If you dont want to talk to the doctor you could try making an appointment with the practice nurse. I did this once because doctors get me in a sate, she then went and spoke to the docotr on my behalf and so when I did see the doctor I didnt have to explain it all and the doctor was able to get straight to the point rather than me trying to get my words out.

I am sorry I cant be more help but I will be online on and off today so I am around if you feel awful to chat etc

sophie

[pinkemobunny]

heya thanks sophie,
i havent thought about calling them but i will keep the number safe and maybe try and ring it. i just dont want people to say im doing it for attention. while i was on holiday i had an argument with one of my aunties (Not the one that i live with) and we was taking about everything and she thinks that when i did it last time i did it for attention and also a couple of people think this. but i really didnt. when i did it i wasnt in control at all, i didnt even feel myself and i cant really remember everything on that day just that i no i had enought and i wanted out.
Emma

[redballoons]

Hi
I think its commong for people who havent experienced anxiety and depression to think that is is for attention. when in fact it is the opposite for most people. People who say things like that are almost always trying to be helpful (like people who say "come on just relax!") they just dont know what to say and come out with the wrong thing. Even tthey dont understand most people do geniunly want to help.

It is really really important to tell people how you are feeling though, If you call up your doctors surgery you could ask to speak to her over the phone and no one can force you to go back on medication, they might suggest other forms of therapy like counselling. but just having that bit of support behind you will make you feel less alone (and its obvious from your post that you do feel very alone) and less likely to feel out of control again.

If you do feel out of control and like you could harm yourself, you can even just walk into casualty or if you dont feel able to get there - call an abulance. you are not wasting their time, they will be glad you called before doing anything. but as I say the most important thing is telling people so that they are able to help you.

sophie

[pinkemobunny]

your right + even thought i have a great boyfriend + family i feel so alone and it is scary for me to feel like that. i have been staying with my boyfriend and some mates since a i came of my holiday but last night i stayed at home. my boyfriend lives in a hostel as well. i just dont feel wanted im scared m going to lose my boyfriend he means so much, while i was away i missed him but not that much and i elt guilty and thought well maybe he isnt the one, but after coming home and seeing him he makes me so happy and i do love him.

[redballoons]

hi
fear of losing people is a really really common part of anxiety (there are loads of posts around this forum and on others about it).
I have been with my husband for 10 years, we have three children but from time to time I still wonder " what if we are not meant for each other" or "what if he leaves me" which is ridiculous but anxiety makes it seem so real!.
Also the fact that you didnt miss him on holiday as much as you thought is healthy - you cant be with someone 24 hours a day with no breathing room, it is ok to enjoy time apart and in my opinion it is a sign of a very happy healthy relationship .

Perhaps talking to your boyfriend about how much he actually means to you would help, I know that if I feel lonely or down just chatting to my husband even if its only for a few minutes and haveing a bit of a hug can make me feel less alone.

Coming on this forum I feel less alone in the anxiety part of things because there are so many other people on here going through the same thing.I used to think I was completely mad but now after hanging round on no more panic I realise that I am not mad just a bit anxious and down sometimes!

sophie

[pinkemobunny]

heya
I might have the fear of losing people then, i tend not to get close to many people coz im scared of the pain it causes when i lose them, thats the reason i dont have friends.
im glad you think its normal coz i was really worried that it was, i did miss him just not alot.
i tell him aot how much he means to me, and he nos i would do anythin gfor him and he would me, like tonight im babysitting so instead of him getting stoned with his mates like we both have done for the past 3 days hes going to come with me so we can spend the night together.
i do like this forum and find it easy to chat to people and the people are so helpful like yourself.

Emma

[redballoons]

hi
yes you sound very normal not normally what people want ot hear but I think with anxiety you always want to be just "normal".

I have no personal experience here because I have never taken drugs etc (I dont even drink) but from what I have heard drugs etc especially taken regularly will make anxiety worse and perhaps even cause it in some cases. I hope someone with more experience of this will be able to help you here. so it might be a good idea to try and cut back on that a bit. again your doctor or practice nurse will be able to advise you on that. It will also be alot easier to see clearly whats going on and to get yourself to a place you want to be in life if you are not taking drugs I should imagine. Dont want to sound preachy just trying to give geniue advice!. I dont know what happened with your mother so obviously it might not be relavant to say but does she know what is going on in your life?. I know if one of my daughters was struggling like this I would forget anything that had gone on in the past and do everything little thing I could to help. Mothers (if they are worth anything at all) will forgive anything and do anything for their little girls!

how old is your boyfriend child? I think that children often make us see the world in a better light so babysitting her should be good

sophie

[pinkemobunny]

im glad i see normal i would love to be normal i just dont feel that i am.
yeh i no they are bad for me normally i dont really do them but i wanted to be with my boyfriend so i just thought why not. yeh i think i really should try and make an appoinment with a doctors.
yeh my mum know what is going on, she doesnt no i smoke pot but knows everything else thats one of the reaosns she doesnt talk to me, coz i was going throught a bad time at school and i started to SH this was hard for her to accept and she told m she doesnt understand it and never will understand it and then she went off coz i dont take to her about stuff but i didnt want to because she wasnt evern going to try and understand.
my boyfriends child is 5 months. it isnt his child im babysitting for iv nerv met him me and his mum dont get on really. i abysit for my cousins they are 4 and 9 months

Emma

[redballoons]

hi

I dont know how old you are now but from your post it sounds as thought you only left school recently which is actually a good thing because you have plenty of time to change things and do whatever it is you want. I dont know what you want (I dont know what I want even!) but seeing a counsellor might help you figure that out. You can ask to be reffered to a counsellor or some charities have counselling services or as I said before something like samaritans might be able to chat. Please dont let your boyfriends drug taking encourage you to do it because it will just make it all the harder to beat whatever anxieties you have.

To be honest it sounds as if you feel a bit stuck in a rut and again I dont know what you want to do with your life but maybe making some changes there might help how you feel generally. Doing a college course or something or a part time job, something to work you towards a goal.

sophie