I need help, but I cant find it!
I'm still new to all of this so bare with me lol
I've always been what you might call "a nervous kid", when i was younger i used to have to count before i could enter a room, build myself up etc I used to wet myself/the bed for a lot longer than i should have and I was always very emotional, i would cry at everything and for as long as i can remember i have bitten my nails right down to the core! Now I'm 26years old and I feel I have no control over my life, or worse I dont really care anymore. Its only in the past month when i have sat and realised that I am actually worried about myself, that i have admitted I have a problem, though i fear it may be too late. The past two years have been particularly hard for me, i was on crutches for months because of a knee accident which meant it was too painful to get out of my first floor flat. My social life suffered and eventually dwindled into nothing. I had to give up my mediocre dead end job, which was the only routine i had in my life and then found it an even harder struggle to find another one. I just shut myself away and hardly left the house, i didnt even want to anymore. My landlord hates me and tries to fiddle me out of everything i have. Both the jobcentre and the council stop and start my benefits whenever they feel like it for silly little whims which means i go for long periods without any money at all, I got dumped by my partner of 7years and a few months ago i ended up hurting my other knee (and my foot on the same leg) which means I'm back on crutches again. So any small part of a life I had slowly built up again is now gone. I have been hiding myself away at my mums house, sleeping on the couch,too afraid to deal with anything...... and I've been doing it for 8months!!! I'm too afraid to confront my landlord and actually tell him that i dont want to live at my flat anymore, in fact just thinking about him gives me horrendous stomach cramps and I start to gag and vomit. I dont leave the house unless its absolutely necessary, like for a hospital/doctors appointment about my leg etc and even then, I vomit repeatedly before i have to go. I eventually swallowed my pride a few weeks ago and tried telling my doctor about all of this, I explained all of my symptoms, the crippling headaches, being doubled over in stomach pain, chestpains, the blind panic i feel all the time, the gagging/wretching vomiting, dizzyness, my entire body shaking like i have parkinsons if the phone so much as rings or someone raises a voice. I mean I'm not crazy am i??? There is something wrong with me?? But all my doctor said was that I'm probably just feeling a bit under the weather due to hurting my leg again, she said it was just "a confidence issue" and I'll feel better when i start my physio and get more mobile. I know my leg is not the cause, I have been like this for a long time, maybe not in obvious ways to others or myself but as things get worse, my symptoms are worsening and I am always in pain. As days go by I am becoming increasingly depressed because i have no one to talk to about what I am going through. Surprisingly my family either havent noticed the changes in me or dont really care, as they dont really speak to me or ask me how i am. At the moment i just feel like the lump that sits on their couch all day, eating their food and getting in their way. Even if I thought i was capable of opening up and sharing my feelings with them, I doubt it would make a difference. I would just be another thing for them to moan about and be disappointed in (its a very negative household). All i get from them is coldness or whispers about me over the phone. I heard my dad actually call me "pathetic waste of space" to a relative. The more depressed I get, the more anxious I get and I'm constantly in a stae of either irritabilty, numbness, despair or just dont care. All my posessions at my flat i coudnt care about, I dont want them. My personal hygiene is almost none existent, I couldnt care a less what i look like anymore and sometimes i'll go more than a week without showering. I dont really eat, except when someone puts food in front of me, it would never occur to me otherwise, and my sleeping patterns range from being kept awake for days on end constantly worrying, to just not wanting to get out of bed some days at all. I'm so close to giving up it scares me, but i just dont know what to do to make myself better, or even if I ever will. I have completely forgotten what it feels like to be happy, and cant remember the last time I smiled. I've heard there are residential places you can go to and stay at to help you deal with your anxiety and depression with other people like you (like rehab) but I cant seem to find any no matter how hard I look, and unless they are on the NHS I'm screwed because i dont have the cash to pay for private treatment. I know it sounds a bit extreme, but i honestly believe being away from my family and the "life" i know would eliminate half my problems, and just being around people who understand me would help me in believing that i can get past all this. I just dont know what to do!
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