I think I might be on the verge of a break through with my problems. I have referred myself to yet another therapist. This time I did this myself through Improving Access to Psychological Therapies (IAPT) because I feel that my GP is getting tired of my various and seemingly unrelated complaints (I have depression, anxiety and IBS). Anyway I didn't hold out much hope. But I feel this guy really made a difference. He believes I have rapid cycling bi-polar and we discussed that my anxiety (which manifests itself as IBS), is related mostly to going work, and maybe caused by the fact that I fear that my new job will trigger a depressive episode. This makes so much sense to me. I feel like the pieces in the jigsaw are finally fitting together.
I'm both relieved and scared to death of the bi-polar diagnosis. I feel that the term itself will put me in a very precarious position when it comes to making decisions about my life and that of my daughter. Will other people like my employer and my family be able to use this against me. I am worried that people will take me less seriously now and I may even end up losing my daughter if people feel that I am not a good mother as a result of this diagnosis.
As I said: relieved and scared too.