Help - told have PTSD and feel like losing it!

[hollygirl]

Apologies in advance for a long post.

I have been in counselling and now CBT for a couple of years after I reacted really badly when my father died.

I had quite a difficult childhood and there was physical abuse with my father and verbal and emotional. He would sometimes be great and then at others very aggressive - he never really belted us but he would do stuff like hold my neck down on the pillow and punch either side of my head -onto the pillow - till I was terrified.

Anyway years ago when I was three I fell and hurt my leg and was taken to hospital - there was no children's ward as it was shut for an asbestos scare so I was put in the old Victorian hospital on a geriatric ward with mad old ladies screaming out in the dark. I can only remember before and after this incident- the rest i only know from my mum. I was put in a high sided bed as I kept trying to get out and left screaming night after night until on the 4th night a nurse got the police involved (very bravely and behind the ward Sisters back who was content to let me scream). The police turned up with my mum and the nurse said she feared I would lose my mind being so young and scared and left on my own to scream and scream night after night.

I know about this because my mum explained to me that it explained my fear of the dark. She told me that before this experience I never was scared and was an easy baby and child but that after it I was clingy and scared and could not sleep in the dark (still cant).

I did have anxiety and fears but managed them until my dad died - about six months after that I started to get bad panic attacks and anxiety etc. Recently I did some exposure work for my fear of being trapped in small places - with my CBT therapist and got stuck for a while in the lift! Ever since that day two weeks ago I am a mess. I keep getting massive panic attacks, am so angry and I am a mess of emotions - crying all the time and everything.

Basically my therapist has consulted with her supervisor and their psychiatrist and they think I have PTSD. She said probably triggered by that one event and then made worse by the stuff that happened in my childhood - meaning I never totally got over it or felt 'safe'.

I have a few questions - one is will these awful feelings go away soon because I feel like I am going mad - do they lesson with time after a 'trigger?'

The second is - can it really be that? I was fine until my dad died and also it is not a severe trauma as I would imagine you would need to have to have PTSD.

Thanks for your replies in advance and thanks to anyone who has the patience to read this really long post.

(Oh and one other thing forgot to mention - I am reacting now as my mum says I reacted when a child - am teriffied of being alone and have to face it next week as mum is away and husband back at work and I am scared I will completely crack up or something).

[hollygirl]

Just wanted to add too that although I have no clear memories of the incident in the hospital I do have recurring nightmares where I am in a room and there is a bed with curtains around it and old women screaming in the bed! These happen less now but used to get them a lot - especially as a child.

Cheers Holly.
x

[daffodil7]

Dear Holly, Firstly I am so sorry of what happened to you as a child. It sounds pretty horrific. Secondly i'm sorry for you that you have had no responses as of yet.

Unfortunately I might offer you little help as I'm not reallly qualified to offer proffessional advise.

I feel that after time things will settle and ease for you.
I think that our lives are pretty much mapped out and we have good and bad times. The bad times are hard, the good times are also hard as once we are settled and we relax things can come back to haunt us when we least expect them too.

It won't be like this forever

Its fab that you are doing CBT courses and having therapy. I start therapy tomorrow and i'm a little anxious over that.

I just want to let you know that if you ever want to message me just to talk or let things out then please do. I hate the fact that you've gone to the effort in describing your situation and no one has yet replied.

Thinking of you and remember each day is a new day..

xxxx

( I would type up more but I have to go see to my boy xx)

[craigonportland]

Hi Holly, sorry to hear about your difficulties. Been a while since your origional post and I hope things have improved since then!

I am also quite new to this forum (2 weeks). I have PTSD due to experiences about 20 years ago. I was fine up until October last year, then my uncle was murdered and it started!

So I can appreciate what you are saying, that a seemingly unrelated event has triggered your PTSD. I have been in counsilling since January and it has helped. A doctor told me that the memories etc will never go away but you start to make sense of them and they make less of an impact on your life.

Don't suffer alone, PTSD is a real illness. Ask for help and fight for what you need, just don't give up. I have also found that reading about the condition on the net has helped me to understand what's going on in my head and also what I can do to help myself.

Craig