It's just all too much hurting

[maddie]

I made a mistake last week. I thought things were looking up. WRONG.

My Dad is ill again. He's due for an MRI scan on Thursday, but as well as the cancer, now has been told he has cataracts that he has to go to the hospital with on Tuesday. My Mum is having urgent blood tests for a possible DVT and will not follow the exercises the Doc has given her meantime. Results are due tomorrow morning.

My daughter was left when she was 14 weeks pregnant by the dad of the baby. He went back to his former girlfriend. For the last 5 months she's been seeing someone she had first met at university. She was so happy. He was lovely with her and idolised the baby. On Friday night my daughter received a message in facebook from his ex to say they were getting back together. My daughter challenged him and now he's gone. It's so sad. She trusted her emotions and her baby to him and again she's been deserted. I'm worried about her. She seems to have shut down totally. I'm going to her tomorrow.

I have no idea how I feel. Desperately sad, worried, afraid, angry, depressed, hopeless. I'm existing in a world that seems unreal yet hurts so much it has to exist but I don't want it to. Coming on nmp is my escape. I think I'm verging on hysteria but I want to cry. I have no words to respond to all the things others are doing. It's like there's a screen between me and them that I can't connect through. I can't talk on chat. My head empties out but it aches so much. I want to run and hide and shut the world out. but even in my lttle sleep I'm having nightmares.

Sorry for all this. I'll stop. Thanks to anyone who has read it. I just needed to let it out. Goodnight.

[T89]

There is so much going on in your life it's no wonder you feel the way you do!

I do hope everything goes ok for your mum,dad and daughter. I know from experience it's very difficult to deal with things when someone you care about is going through a terrible time but please do remember to take care of yourself as well as your family.

Hope things start to look up for you-I'm sure they will

[Josie]

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a rough time at the moment. You've got a lot to deal with and I hope that you've got someone you can go to to make sure that someone is making time for you, as your doing an amazing job being there fore your mum, dad and daughter already. Remember that there are always people on here if you need to just let it all out. I hope things start to turn around for you and your family.

Joanne

[diane07]

Oh maddie,

I am so sorry to hear you and your family are going through this, you have been such a lovely supportive friend to me and please feel free to pm me or phone me, i will help you as much as i can.

Life throws all sorts at us hun, and sometimes it seems so difficult to get through them bad times.

But always remember you have people here who care and can support you.

I'll always be here for you

di xx

[maddie]

I didn't realise that I haven't updated this for so long. I've been coming on here, answering others' posts, for distraction.

Since I last wrote:
Dad has had one cataract done. He's had his gall bladder outbecause of cancer, but it was attached to his liver and they think there are secondaries there. He's so thin I'm scared to hug him.

Mum has stroke-induced dementia. She's refused Memory clinic and gynae apts she needed to go to. She's become paranoid and thinks dad and I are trying to get her to go to medical apts she doesn't need. The GP says she may have to be sectioned. She cannot function safely alone and dad is fast becoming unable to care for her. He's having to order meals in for himself. She won't eat anything except bananas and grapes.

My daughter is back with her boyfriend. They are planning to marry next August. It's doubtful my dad will be with us by then. She's had a phone call from her dad (my ex) who has had a bladder removal, to say that his cancer has spread to his lymphatic system, so he won't be alive for the wedding. He wants to return from where he lives in Portugal to live with her. She has no spare bed and is terrified of having to care for a dying person. She is feeling guilty and distraught. She keeps ringing me to cry.

Her baby is 10 months now. We have all had swine flu. He has had a burst ear drum. I go to look after him 1 day a week. Otherwise he goes to nursery, which he hates.
There are still ongoing problems getting maintainance for him from his father. A court battle for custody/visiting is being threatened when my daughter moves after her marriage. I will only be able to see my grandson once every 3-4 weeks then, which I am finding very hard to contemplate. They have been my whole life for 18 months.

My Aunt is in a home because of Altzheimers. She is refusing to take her clothes off, even to sleep. She is eating little and refusing her medication. The home keep phoning me for suggestions as to how to manage her. It's 70 miles away so I can't just pop over.

The wedding is for 100 people, half of whom are French, in a town I don't know. In fact, I will only know 8 of the people there, if 2 have not died first. I have agrophobia, social anxiety and panic attacks. The thought of the wedding terrifies me. And all the shopping and fittings leading up to it. We all also have to stay in a hotel the night before, then I will have my grandson for 5 days while they go on honeymoon.

My anxiety levels have been sky high and emotionally I have been on a real roller coaster. I thought I had made a friend I could really talk too, but unfortunately that didn't work out. I feel really sad about that.

My relationship with my partner is at an all time low. Somehow I have to sell my house in the spring. I can't afford its upkeep. I think I will be moving on alone.

My 2 year old niece currently has meningitis. Her doc said for 4 days it was swine flu, or she would have started antibiotics earlier. She's now moving and eating again, but not talking or turning her head. The consultant is to test her for residual damage on Friday.

I've just written all of that like it was a shopping list. I am totally devoid of feeling at this moment. But it's 5.35am and the reason I'm up is I woke shaking. I'm having nightmares, panic attacks and my head boils all the time. Nothing feels real, yet it's too painfully real. Everything exhausts me. I'm doing nothing at home except sit, sleep or come on here. I didn't have a bath for 10 days. I spend most days in my dressing gown. I just come to life to go to my daughters then come home and sleep.

I've seen my GP who says rest. I've tried to contact my cpn without success and my psych keeps cancelling apts due to her own family problems. I've had to get an Advocate to help me, but that meant going over all my story again so the flashbacks have started up again too. I just don't know what I've got left, and if there is anything, how long will it last? I feel I'm going under.

[Desprate Dan]

Oh Maddie,

I cant begin to think how much stress you must be under no one should endure that amount of hurt and pain in a life time, my heart sincerley goes out to you, i really wish i had a magic wand to make things better for you and your family it seem you have and are going through so terrible times.
Please Maddie dont give up keep in there fighting stay strong you need to for your parents and daughter and seek as much help as possible...

Maddie let me give you a big...

Dan

[maddie]

Thank you Dan

[margaret jones]

Maddie you poor thing so much going on in your life , how are you coping ?? You must be so strong to be able to still function and you are functioning be it with bags of will power you are ba STAR I am in awe of you .
Take Care
Margaret

[maddie]

Just had a phone call that my daughter has been called out of work as the baby is sick. I have to go. What next?

[gypsywomen]

if you didn't have anxiety ,you would be able to cope ,you must be strong having all these worries ,i feel for you .makes my worries nothing ,i do hope the baby ok love maggi