When I was 17 I was sadly raped by someone I knew. I did not know this person greatly, more of a friend or a friend but being young and naive I trusted him. I only told a few close friends. No family, no police.
Unfortunately, i fell pregnant from the rape and because i did not want my ordeal to come out to my family, I had a termination by conscious sedation when i was 5weeks and 3days. It was awful.. i went through it alone. I have two views on the termination...
1. i was only 17 and it was against my will, i dont know how I would be if I found out I was only in this world because of rape.
2. there was a baby forming inside of me who i never gave a chance of life.
Since then I had been suffering with my confidence and even resorted to self harm. I truelly believed everyone was against me and I attracted bad luck. I became very touchy and if i got upset at home from a comment (which id normally take as a joke or give it back) my family would say dont be so soft. but they did not know what i went through and how much i needed someone.
I was lucky enough to meet and trust my current boyfriend. i told him everythin. he is my rock. he put up with my mood swings. I was more nagative then positive and was alot for him to put up with. but he did. as much as i trusted him... i hated myself and little things like him going out on a night out with friends I was convinced that he would cheat. Not because I didnt trust him but because I thought it would be my luck.. what i deserved.
Last october i went to my doctors and told her everything. it took me just over 2 years to get help. councellin really helped and i would advise it to everyone. I stopped councellin a few months back and although i still have times that i get myself worked up or panicky, i am alot better. if im sad.. i pick myself up quicker than i used to. i do not self harm anymore. As a result of my rape, my councellor said i suffered social anxiety. i went from trusting everythin to trustin nothing. Going out alone was too scary for me to do.
I am still wary but alot better. i was knocked back in may when me and my boyfriend (both 20) got attacked by 2 men around the age of 40. I ended up havin stitches in my forhead and had black eyes.. my boyfriend having facial injuried and snapped tendon in his finger. I was knocked back from it but instead of thinkin it was my fault.. my luck, i told myself that we was just in thw wrong place at the wrong time. if it someone else there, the same would happen to them.
im gettin better everyday.. i do have the tendancy to try be so positive that if the slightest thing doesnt go to plan then I think it is a big deal. But one day I will get there
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