One of my first memory's of anxiety reaction

[mum2four]

When I was young the first real memory that I still find hard understand is of me at school. I was about 9 years old maybe around that age. I was I sitting at my desk trying to do my work and would be constantly wondering what every one thinking about me which would really effect how much i could focus on my school work and when should ask a question should I wait till no one looking sound i not ask I all will i look stupid will I come across and trying to aviod my work ect ect. I can remember finaly getting the corage to put my hand up to ask a question about math my favorite subject the only subject I could really bring my self to ask question’s about. This perticular time something happen to make me feel like I was stupid and I can kind of remember getting abrupt with the teacher which of course was seen as talking back to the teacher. Talking back is considered rude but I wasn’t trying to be rude I was trying to understand. If I didn't understand i couldn't do my work if i didn't do my I work i would get in trouble ect. Thing's got heated for a 9y old trying to argu with an adult who was also a teacher. I could no longer deal with the situation my head felt like it was screaming(to many thing's going round and round and round and never stopping) at me. I can remember getting under the table to hide and feel better only to be told to stop being stupid and get back in my seat. That was the worst thing to do me while I'm like that it made my head scream(the best way to describe it) even more so I started to bang my head on the table while I was sitting under it. That never went down any better than my words did and of course I was seen to been a disruptive student looking for attention which couldn’t be further from the truth cause attention alway's made me feel the need to run and hide. I new that running and hiding was going to get me in trouble or maybe lost and that was far scarier than sitting in a class room looking like crazy out of control child. I felt like i was in a no win situtation and I couldn't turn my head off what els was i suppose to do. I couldn't run, i couldn't hide, I couldn't scream, I couldn't make it stop but I had to try. If the teacher had touched me i would have hurt her not because i wanted to but because I was already dealing with to much and her touching me was almost certainly a negative thing it meant I was in trouble and headed for the office a place where you made to feel even smaller than in class room and place where your even more the center of attenstion a place where thay would ring my mum and then she would be disappointed in me and then i would be able to excape the whole thing one i got home.

When ever i got like this i was unpredictable I had the potencial to do real harm. I was so numb that I could hurt my self or get hurt and not feel it for hour's. I felt like I didn't care if I existed at all I wished i could rock my self till i was so far in side my head that no one could pull me out. I even try a fue time to rock anc find that place in side my head that i could hide in and never come out but my fear of upsetting the people around me and making them hate me or make them think that I was just acting or looking for attenstion alway snapped me out of it but that small moment of shutting the world out felt so good i wish for it far more than i ever felt that kind of peace.

As much as i've been threw since my childhood nothing seem's more vivid or confusing or defining as a fue set moments in time that for some reason still make ask the question WHY was I so angry for such a young person.

[mirry]

Hi mum2four,

From what you say about not being able to put your hand up to ask questions is sometimes the fear of ridicule. I was always like this (infact I still am) only a few weeks ago we had a family get together and someone asked how to spell something.........I knew the answer straight away yet waited until everyone had a go then when they still didnt know the answer I reluctantly gave it (hoping they wouldnt laugh at me).
As for you hiding under the table it could be possible you were trying to vanish from a stressfull situation.
Did anyone in your childhood put you down alot ?
There are many forms of abuse......I find no one talks about "EMOTIONAL ABUSE" much, why is this ?




mirryx

[mum2four]

I still wont answer a question even if i think i know the answer. I dont give up fully it take a bit to convice my self I can have my say but if i feel like I'v been put on the spot of made center of attenstion in a negative way i will shut down and it can take a lot for me open up again in that sort of situtaion and/or with that person about the same sort thing again.

I was alway teased in school but i really dont know what happen first my reaction or the teasing. It's kind of like that saying which came first the chicken or the egg. I can remember ever being liked by any but my best friend untill I got to teen year's in the teen year's my behaviour was more acceptable by my peer's a fue people seemed to accpet me for me. As a child before I was teen I tryed to make friend's with kids that got teased just like me even thay turned on me most of the time.

My mum alway said good thing's happened to me but I just couldn't remember them. If more good thing did happen in my life that i cant remember why cant I remember the good thing's. There is one other thing that just came to me I have this memory of trying to hold my mum's hand and stand close to her but I can remember her pulling it away. I dont know how often that happen or how old i was but that has alway's stuck with me and the only time i can remember my hugging me and not me going to her for a hug was when i went to my partner school formal. I catch my self pulling my hand's away from my kids some time but i make a real effort to explain to them that i need my hand right now to do something or what ever the reason was that i did it for. I also have make a real effort to hug my kids heap's. I could proberly hug them more but I get feelings on being smothered by them or clostrphobic feeling and for the last 6 year more so the last 3y my intence need to scratch has really effect me in that a slight thouch could have sent my erg to scratch to the a point of extreamly unbarable and uncontrolable.

I think my mum did her best I really do but I also know some of the thing's she said or did really effected me long term. I was a dificult baby and toddler my mum tryed to find out why but no one could giver her an answer the same with my serch to find th answer as to why my daughter has been a difficult baby and toddler and still is extream with her anger.

My mum had me tested for food allergy's for my mood issue's and while she and I notice a difference when i wasn't eating the food I was alergic to. i felt like with out the food i was allergic to I was a zombi and unable to be apart of the world around me but with the food i was allergic to I unpredictable and unco-operative ect.

I dont really have many memory's of being small but I can remember my parent fighting over me or something not sure about that one. Another time I heard my dad say he loved my sister better but I was told i miss understood. I have a million negative memory of child hood I have happy moment's to but the negative one do tent to over ride the good one's far to easy.

[Karen]

Hi mum2four

I too remember having similar problems at school with speaking in class. I used to dread being asked a question because I used to just freeze and not be able to reply, even when I knew the answer. I wanted to run and hide too but felt immobilised and stuck to the spot, I suppose fearing being in more trouble and drawing more attention to myself by moving.

Part of this I think stemmed from being disciplined by a teacher when I was 7 for not answering when spoken to. She hauled me in front of the class and repeatedly shouted at me for not replying and then hit me with a ruler in front of everyone. I was so scared of her.

A lot of my problems also stemmed from emotional abuse from my parents and I only really learned this last year when I was seeing a therapist. She pointed out that the constant put downs and being told I was bad and worthless has contributed to a lot of my currently problems. My mum has also constantly rejected me for as long as I can remember and was never there to give me emotional support. I don't remember her ever hugging me either.

Now I have problems with speaking to people and still often don't say something because I think it will sound stupid and I don't like being the centre of attention. I might also know the answer to something but wouldn't say because I doubt myself and think I will look stupid if I get it wrong.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[mum2four]

I have trouble beleaving my own memory's or trusting my own feeling's cause the most comon coment my mum said to me was No you dont realy feel that way you feel this way and that not what really happen this is what happen. It was like nothing I said was right and nothing i felt was was right. I have alway known that i need to trust my self and my feeling's but my mum is not the only one to make me feel like my memory's aren't correct or real. My mum isn't the only one to tell me i cant be angry cause I'm smiling i dont know why i smile when nervous or upset ect but i think it's my way of trying to hide it so that just maybe I can make the feelings go away. I think that also maybe the smileing thing is because I'm embarrassed to be feeling my feeling's. I know when I'm over reacting and I try hard not to over react or have any anxiety issues ect that I get embarrassed about the way i feel inside but the moment a slight comment about the fact that I"m smiling will make the smile disapear and the feelings I'm trying to keep away come rushing to surface and unavoidablely obvious. You know the list of emothion thay say people go threw when dealing with bad new's like a death ect well that kinda what i go threw every time I'm forced to deal with confronting situation except all the emotion follow each other in short space of time thay seem like one mixed emotion that make no sence what so eve to me.

[Meg]

Mum ,

Despite all you have been through, you have managed to cope extremely well overall.

You may never find out why you were so angry or difficult but may need to accept to a point that that is how you were and that you will make things better for your kids and yourself now.

Your daughter is a concern. Have you got her on fish oils and arranging lots of physical activities as well as the constant love and support.

Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[boy]

I still can't put my hand up when we're asked a question and the answer's something stupidly obivous. I didn't think this was anxiety, just shyness. Wow. I'll be re-assessing my situation I think!

[mum2four]

Boy I think it more that being shy if you cant ask question you really should be asking in order to get the help you need.