Hello,
This is my first post here. I'm writing because I went through ten years of absolutely crippling panic disorder with agorophobia, and then found treatment with medication - xanax 3X per day - that worked, along with exposure therapy and biofeedback (except in some limited circumstances, like crowded restaurants or airplanes). That was 12 years ago. Well, I don't know what to make of what's happened.
However, I've recently begun to have panic attacks again, quite a bit. I've come so far and I'm so frustrated because I've set up a new job to work as a teacher. To do this, I've been through 4 years of college now.
Here's the main reason why I'm here: I know I have fairly classic panic attacks, but now that the internet exists and I'm looking up information about them, I have no idea why I don't get a racing heart or anything even remotely like it during most of my attacks. Additionally, my attacks sound more FAST and much worse than what I hear described. Every one feels totally catastrophic, and when they're coming every few minutes in public, that's really exhausting.
This is what my attacks are like:
When I'm at home, I'm fine. I don't have the kind of spontaneous attacks I used to have about 50 times a day.
But the second I'm in a public situation involving sitting down, forget it. If I can leave, I'm fine and have zero anxiety/agorophobia. But suddenly, almost overnight, I'm having bad general anxiety while:
- sitting in a class (I'm about 3 more years away from finishing college)
- driving, especially at night, in traffic, or over bridges
- eating at restaurants
- going out at night, period
BUT, what's worse, suddenly I'm having panic attacks everytime I have to speak publicly. Even in a small classroom setting of a few people, or amongst friends. I don't feel judged at all and have never had social phobias. This is weird.
AND I don't understand my panic attacks. This is what they feel like (it can come on within about 5 seconds and usually no more than 20 seconds, and resolves back to a state of anxiety as soon as I reach the end of what I'm describing, usually in about a minute... but it can recur over and over and over again until I get home):
- I'm already feeling anxious and slightly derealized when they come on, so my defenses are low
- Suddenly, I feel extremely faint and my heart seems to beat more slowly or I can't feel it at all
- I feel like the air has been removed from the room and I struggle to take a breath. There's no chest pain involved, just severe air hunger. I start yawning and realizing I'm going to have a panic attack. I begin taking slow breaths like I learned with biofeedback
- My vision gets blurry and I feel like I'm out of body... I can't really feel my body, it's very numb.
- Something huge, like a tidal wave, comes over me and I break out in a fit of shaking so badly that I can't speak. I usually am pouring sweat, but not always
- My muscles cramp all over and I start feeling like I'm involuntarily clenching down while whooshing sounds fill my head... I might actually kind of clamp my body downwards, teeth clenched, desperately trying to relax my muscles or breath
- The whooshing feeling feels like something gives or explodes and then I'm very faint
- It's totally obvious to anyone watching, and they ask me am I ok, but I can't usually talk
- I have fainted from a few of these attacks
- my heart never races
- sometimes the hair on my arms stands on end
The attack feels 100% physical and I never get a sensation of fear. At all. Just an almost irresistable urge to stand up and walk out of the room to somewhere safe. I see that the trigger is feeling either watched or trapped. I know the attacks can't hurt me but I am worried about fainting or choking if I'm eating, or driving into another car, two of which I've done (I've not driven into a car).
Does anyone feel like this is familiar? I know a lot of people with panic attacks believe they're dying or feel they're having a heart attack and I don't click with those feelings at all.
I'm petrified, however, that I won't be able to do my job right or have to drop out of college (it's been a huge struggle to get through since I dropped out of high school for this condition) and since so much panic treatment involves slowing down your heart or rationalizing that you aren't dying, I have no idea what to do.
Been flaring up suddenly since the semester started. Very easy semester. Just two night classes. The funny thing is I've TAUGHT full classes many, many times as a grad student. So I don't understand this. And I've never had attacks in the car before. Also, I'm about to start teaching part time again and cannot lose that opportunity.
I hate seeing doctors. They were never of any use during my ten year ordeal and largely made me feel worse about myself. I see mine for medication maintenance a few times per year, and have never really had to adjust it.
So thoughts on the attacks themselves?
Thoughts on some kind of treatment so I can keep working and going through school?
Thoughts on why this could be rearing its ugly head after so long?
THANK YOU!
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