Horrible Intrusive Thought - POCD or not?

[Arran]

Hello All,

I'm new to the forum but have suffererd with diagnosed OCD of various different forms for over 13 years. For the last 5 months I have suffered with the following intrusive thought/obsession:

"I'm convinced that I have viewed/downloaded inappropriate pictures of children and they are stored on a laptop that I have sold to a work colleague. I use to regally use the internet for legal pornography and would never ever intestinally search for any illegal material, however with the pop-up’s, virus's etc etc I'm convinced I may have done this and the more the obsession evolves the more I'm doubting if I did ever search for this material. The intrusive thought then branches off into the fact I'm going to be locked up in prison for 10 years+ which will then set off my HIV worries as I think of prison as dirty environment where I don’t have any control. I also feel I would be attacked for being a paedophile, be disowned by my family and friends, my car will get smashed up (my pride and joy) and I will have nothing left to live for. The feel that the only way I can see to get past things at the point of being arrested would be to take my own life."

I have since learned that the laptop I sold to my work colleague broke and he took it to the local tip. As soon as I realised I felt a considerable sense of relief. The relief lasted for approximatly 2 days when suddenly I was walkng home from work and I got the following thought:

"What about my previous laptop that I had bought in 2005 and left with an ex-girlfriend 2 years ago, I know for a fact all my data was still on there as I left it with her without formatting the drive and I know I used to use it to look at legal pornograhy"

This obsession has become so dominant that I'm begining to really belive I have searched for this material and I spend hours on end trying to remember if I can remember doing this. Everyday I wait to see if the Police will come and arrest me and I search the internet for what life in prison is like and what to expect.

I feel very ashamed.

[joannap]

hi arran

this is a classic case of your mind running away with itself - one worry then setting off a chain of worries! i know these thoughts can be very convincing - i once watched a program and this man used to chain himself to his bed every night - convinced he would go out and run someone over.

The thing is paedophiles don't worry if they have searched on the internet for porn - that is what they want to do! The reason why this thought is sticking so much is that your brain is tired and the more you try and think and reason with it - the harder the thought will stick. What you need to do is to accept the thoughts - think - ok - i'll let them be there but i will not interact with them. you will also need to work on your general anxiety level - its the adrenaline that makes them stick.

[Arran]

Joannap,

Many thanks for your reply. What your saying makes sense in that I detest these images, however there is still the worry of having downloaded these images/videos by mistakes while viewing LEGAL pornography and this being found and me being charged, prison etc etc.

[Arran]

Can anyone please help me with this, I'm finding life extreemly difficult at present as these thoughts are still constant. I feel I can't move on until I know for sure if I have accidently viewed or down loaded this material.

[WillyB]

Its been 5 months buddy and this guy hasnt said or done anything. If you were sold a laptop with this kind of imagery on what would you do? i bet you would inform the authorities in a very short time. The idea that this guy hasnt done anything at all just shows you havent done it. You dont remember doing it, you had no desire to do it, therefore you didnt do it. Although your OCD mind will play with you, i can see the logic, i can see this is an irrational fear. Ive often had similar fears, but realised i was making it all up and fearing it to be true.

[Maj]

Hi,

It's only the result of a very tired, anxious mind. The thoughts stick and make you feel so uncomfortable. They depend on your dislike of them to keep them going. Deep down you know that you would never do/think whatever but it's the anxiety that stokes the fires. Try to accept the thoughts as part of your anxiety at the moment. When you feel calmer you will see them for what they are - thoughts made worse by an anxious mind and a vivid imagination!!
Regards
Myra

[Arran]

I have been doing a little better with my horrible thought but today I saw the following in the news:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/8285839.stm

This has triggered everything off again 10 fold!

I know I would never abuse a child, but I dont understant why I ever started thinking I may have viewed or downloaded unexceptable pictures or videos.

This is something I have been battleing for over 6 months now and it never seems to let up!

[Arran]

This intrusive thought is still causing me immense amounts of anxiety and depression. This is one of the worst intrusive thoughts I have ever sufferered with in the 13 years I have had this horrible illness! Will it ever end? I'm trying not to give it any attention and just let the thought be there but I'm finding it very difficult. I keep thinking its just a matter of time untill my old laptop (which I have not had in my possession for 2 years) will end up in the hands of the Police and they (quite rightly) come and arrest me!

[gypsywomen]

i am sorry but you seem obsessed with this,, there must e a reason going back in your life maybe to your childhood .that you have locked away in the back of your mind ,,maybe you were to young to remember ..but now you have o.c .d something is triggering these thoughts .???perhaps you could have post traumatic stress syndrome ,either way you have guilty feeling about something ,,you have to talk to a professional about this soon ,,,,, i think people who go to child sites are sick ,,but with you its just your thoughts i hope

[joyce1980]

You have been diagnosed like me with ocd, try to say to yourself: ''This is upsetting me BUT I have been diagnosed with ocd and this is a classic ocd thought, so I'm ok, it's just ocd and I although I worry I know in my heart I would not act upon the intrusive thoughts''