Hi everyone,
I would really appreciate someone’s help.
I was on here recently and saw some threads on ROCD (relationship OCD)
I had never heard of this before. I have suffered from panic and anxiety on and off for
About 11 years and mine has always been focused around relationships. (I had my first panic attack in a lift with a guy when I was 16) that led to anxiety for months (couldn’t be alone, pacing the room, couldn’t eat etc)
And not going out with a guy for about 5 years as was too scared.
Flash forward to the present and I was in a lovely relationship for a year – I had my own problems though where I noticed I was really down about work (I didn’t like it) and
My brain always felt out of it as I couldn’t focus on learning to drive etc so felt down quite a bit. My relationship was the only thing that I felt was going well, but
I was always thinking about him if he wasn’t around, I spent most of my time with him although did still see some friends, I was always upset if he was out late and drinking as
I didn’t feel in control as wanted to know he was safe so in a way mini panic episodes that didn’t really amount to anything….then weirdly in May everything changed and my anxiety came back out of nowhere. We had an argument (nothing major)
And then that week I suddenly removed myself as I told myself he looked different. I felt really uneasy and couldn’t relate. Then something weird happened…this guy who I do music with in
A band had months before said some comments to me making it slightly obvious he could be interested in me, there had always been an attraction between us but I hadn’t been interested
Due to my relationship. When I saw him that week as I had made my boyfriend look different to me, I felt weird seeing him and woke up the next day in full panic mode. That panic and anxiety
Has stayed with me for the past four months, so much so that my boyfriend and I split up last week as I just couldn’t figure out what to do anymore.
I can only describe from reading what I have now that I have had continuous OCD thoughts that were negative against my boyfriend from that day on. Every little thing was a trigger –
He didn’t look the same, his height was wrong, he didn’t like this song, he didn’t feel comfortable dancing like I did, - I couldn’t be myself and like any of my hobbies for fear of him not liking it the same
Or being different to me….i suddenly couldn’t remember anything good about the relationship and totally convinced myself that we weren’t suited as we integrated differently with people and had some different interests. I was a total wreck, my thoughts weren’t my own, I felt terrified, couldn’t eat, couldn’t face work and cried everyday….for half the time I kept seeing this others guys face in my head as some kind of mental torture, even though I haven’t seen him again and haven’t had any interest too. Since we have ended things, the anxiety has lessoned for some of the day as I guess I have taken the “probem” away but weirdly I am still having all the negative thoughts about him when really now that shouldn’t matter and it makes me not be able to sleep or enjoy myself.
Please can someone advise if they do suffer from OCD or ROCD especially and let me know what it is like for you as our relationship has ended now as I just couldn’t escape the negativity and it destroyed us – and all the negatives feel so real. I have found an article on ROCD and it did mention how you can make people look different? On one hand I just want to believe that maybe after all we weren’t suited as we are slightly different personality wise, but I can’t help thinking that everyone is slightly different and scared I will never be able to have a successful relationship as anxiety will always get in the way.
Any thoughts on what I have written will be most appreciated.
Ps – I have been taking citalopram for about 5 weeks and have been going to psychodynamic counselling for about 2 months and neither have helped properly yet. I am starting CBT tomorrow.
Many thanks everyone.
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