I feel really bad for how i feel about seeing loved ones. In perticular my boyfriend (yes i know everyone is probably bored of me going on about my relationship) On monday, even though id had an adverage time with him (we didnt do much but it wasnt boring, when i felt upset i felt down but apart from that it was good because i didnt doubt how i felt for him) i had a really bad anxiety attack all because i felt like i wanted him to go home. I felt like this because when i have anxiety over something i want to look it up online and just be by myself, well this is what ive told myself, but now im worried that its because idont want to see him.

I know i do want see him again, i love him and its really getting me down because anxiety and depression is just straining me so much with my relationship and i want it to work, i want to feel how i did before i got anxiety and i dont understnad why i cant look forward to seeing him. But then i cant find the energy to do anything, i dont want to go to college, i feel like i cant be bothered to see my mum. I feel this same way about my boyfriend. But i know when were together we will have a nice time.

I just wish i could stop worrying about everything all the time, I want to enjoy the time i have with him wihtout worrying "why dont i feel sad he is going home?" We have a long distance relationship so i see him every other weekend but its been this way for about 4 and a half years now so its no different, i just used to feel upset that he is going home and that i want him to come right back, just since i got anxiety and depression ive felt like i need him to go home and that i dont feel like i want to see him too soon. Its upsetting me, right now i feel i want him here to comfort me and i feel like i miss him, but then those feelings are just dampened because of how im feeling over this whole situation.

ARGH i want a break :(