depression, anxiety, pd, and lost

[everglades]

i have suffered on and off with depression since my teens
In feb 2008 i walked out of my job and since then have been told it is not just depressions but personality disorder too - and anxiety.

The anxiety has got increasingly worse and stops me travelling on trains, etc.

I have had 2 meetings with my employers re returning (my contract is held for 2 yrs which ends in feb) - and my 3rd and final meeting is in 2 weeks.

Throughout this time i have been up and down and my mind cannot settle on what i truly want or should do - and since i have been v v depressed the occ health and doc have said not to return. But now i feel this is my last chance - i said in sept i intended to return from jan, and i have an occ health appt on monday to see if they consider me fit. Long story - sorry - thing is my anxiety is shit atm - i am already sick and panicking about this meeting already - it is in a different place to the others, with different person , and i am terrified she will see how anxious i am and tell work i am unfit.

i am so depressed over all this, too, as i feel its my own fault for delaying my decision so long and moping about in the house for almost 2 years.

i am going to pump myself full of propranolol and maybe diazepam on monday - but i am too honest and will end up telling her.

I dont really know what any of you can say - what i need you to say - i just need someone to hear me and understand the mess i am in. I keep telling myself if i get back to work it will all go away as i will be so busy i wont have time to think - hmmmmmmmm

Please hear me

(sorry if this is in the wrong place)

[everglades]

ok

will carry on alone then

sorry

angry (not with people here) and confused
the self hate is filling in the gaps where the anxiety goes

not for this forum i guess

xx

[ash1807]

Hi everglades,
Don't feel alone. There are times when there may not be many peokple about and also some struggling to give an inpartial opinion
Sometimes it good to pop inot the chatroom if you need to talk urgently

Take care

[everglades]

dont think i can go in there atm
but ty

[Chris 22]

Hi.

I recently have resigned from my job because of my anxiety. I had 3 meetings with Occ Health and they said I wasn't fit for work and think if I hadn't left on my own accord I would have been asked to leave.

I am looking for something less taxing but like you say the theory of being in work to take your mind of things rarely works for me. I can have a panic attack or have depersonalisation feelings anytime anywhere. Of course there are things that make them worse but I never feel safe anywhere really. Just about having to cope with the feelings when they occur. Far too frequently for my liking!.

Hope your meeting goes OK and you get what you want.#

Chris

[faith]

You sound like you are going round in circles with lots of problems and no answers. It sounds like you do not have the knowledge to solve any of this so why don't you settle on getting yourself some proper help,like a counsellor, otherwise you are going nowhere fast.

[everglades]

ty chris

i am a teacher - and the children can really lift bad days
but they do expect and need 100% and it is exhausting

when i walked out - my head was all over the place - i was crying walking to work, crying walking home, and just eating, sleeping and working

it is scaring me

i am sorry you are having such a tough time
xx

[mrmerlin]

your a teacher oh my god i really feel sorry for you but i have read that thousands of teachers suffer from this due to the amount of stress you are put under , surely there is some sort of group that teachers in your position can chat to each other , are you in a union if so contact your union they may be able to help you really need counselling , i am so glad i don`t have the responsibilities that you have i think i would be in a assylum by now

seek any help you can get

[everglades]

my problems where not caused by my job
they are long standing
but work made many of them a lot worse, esp as my self-esteem is so low

It is a very hard job, but it can also bring immense joy.
I really have NO idea if i can cope with going back or not, as i have been out of it for 21 months, and it will be just 5 weeks short of 2 yrs if i return in Jan.
Part of me thinks i will just drop back into it, and in some aspects i guess i will - but i will be teaching in a different room, a dif age group, and dif content - so that will all be new to me.
Standing in front of the kids, adults, is not a worry for me, it is the concentration, the organisation, the constant constant judgment by parents and others, that i struggle with. AND the endless change - i find change very hard and its like whenever anything is working we have to change it.
and i loathe and detest the whole 'prove yourself' ethos that pervades not just education, but everywhere it seems/. MORE MORE MORE - BETTER BETTER BETTER - nothing is ever ok. OMG I have enough of that going on in my head - i dont need it endlessly on the outside.

I JUST DONT KNOW - i am hoping the anxiety and depression will just leave me alone, but in reality i guess that is rather unlikely

[mumsie]

Hi everglades
Have you considered part time voluntary work as an interim measure to get back in the zone and see how you go? Or even a part time job somewhere else. Hang on in there.x