Have faith, it does get better! (Not religious by the way!)

[MatthewH]

Well, it has been a while since ive been on these forums!

For those of you who dont know me (Surely the very vast majority), im Mat, im 23, and i have suffered from terrible anxiety and panic attacks.
These went on for a while, starting with a panic attack. They gradually got worse and worse, until it got to a point where i did not dare venture out for nights out, but bizarely i could go to work! I used to get stressed, raised heart rate, palpatations, sweating and dizzy spells going to the supermarket. My girlfriend at the time didnt really believe me either. She thought i was using it as an excuse to leave her.

Over time, i gradually told myself to get on with my life. I never consulted my GP. I couldnt bear the shame. I work in a very Alpha male environment, and the thought of saying i wasnt like everybody else worried me.

Now, i know first hand how horrible it is to be in these situations. I remember one time, on my girlfriends birthday, i felt fine. Until about half an hour before due to go out that was. Just 10 minutes before due to go out, i was being sick, crying, miserable, and guilty id spoilt her big night out.

And here i am now. I can eat in restaurants again. Not all the time, as i do someimes have episodes where ill have a few fork fulls of food then be sick. But compared to where i was a year ago, ivecome a long way. I can go out, i can socialise, i can go for a coffee with friends without having those terrible feelings. I can watch films, and i can go out with my now fiance!

I know sometimes it feels like your whole world is collapsing around you. Ive been there myself! But trust me, it does get better! It will get better! You just have to believe it, and work at it. Its not the end of the world, and despite this being a terrible time in your life, you cannot let it get to you. Take it from somebody who couldnt drink a coffee with friends without feeling nervous and sick. It does get better.

And thank you to all those people on here who helped me out during my dark times!

[julia]

this is soooo reassuring every time i feel like im moving on i feel like i go back a step did you have setbacks one min i ok then it feels like it comes back with vengeance especially when relaxed or enjoying myself

[andrea thompson]

thanks hon... its good to hear success stories... i feeling better also.... sounds like your doing great... well done...

take care

andrea x x

[MatthewH]

I had so so many problems trying to get through it all. But im not trying to knock your confidence! A year ago, i felt like i couldnt go out at all for a meal. I would literally sit down, and have to look for the nearest toilet. It was because if i didnt know where it was, id work myself into a state of panic incase i was sick. Then id make myself sick. Not on purpose, but just because i would get myself worked up. Like i said in my first post, i never took help from a GP or doctor. I read up on everything, and realised what i had.

Sometimes id have a good day. Id go out with friends, and have a coffee. Id even go out and go drinking, go to clubs! As soon as i tried to do the same thing with my now fiance, it all went wrong. I also remember getting out a taxi on new years eve 2008, and throwing up. I went to a pub, had a drink, then get trapped in amongst about 5000 people in the town. I was so scared id be sick again. I think its when i know people will see me. Some days i would go out and go shopping with her (Leanne is her name). Id put on the brave face, say i was fine. Inside i was sick, dizzy, panic bubbling over. Sweating, lots of saliva, swallowing it back...

But the most recent thing was over december. Leanne and me decided to go on our first holiday together. I was so SO worried about it all. I havent had a full on panic attack for a couple of years, but these bouts of sickness knock my confidence and my will to do anything. So a holiday?! Abroad!?

When we arrived at the airport, i felt fine. Before the flight, i was sick after eating in the airport. We arrived at the hotel, ate, and i was fine! Infront of loads of people, infront of her! Brilliant!

Breakfast the next morning and i was sick again. I felt so bad i had to go back to bed until 3pm. And then the guilty of ruining the holiday set in. I felt like crying. Infact i did. But she understood, and didnt care.

The rest of the holiday was perfect. I avoided breakfast the rest of the week, but went for the other meals, we went to other citys on the island, and we had the time of our lives!

Then, since coming back, we have been out for meals, to the cinema, spent a whole month together. Then, just before or after xmas, we went for a meal. Same thing happened as sometimes does, i sat down, felt fine one minute, then felt sick. Food arrived, i had 3 fork fulls worth. If that. Off to the toilet, and sick. Paniced, sweating, felling terrible. Had to leave.

It doesnt sound great, but a year ago, i couldnt go for a coffee. I went on holiday for the first time in 12 years, (Im 23) with my fiance, who i seem to have this problem with more than anyone else, and got through it.

It is hard, and i get so frustrated when i have these bouts were i cant control how i am. But i prove that it can be done, and without tablets, GP's etc. In fairness, i feel bad that i comment on this, due to the fact i cannot understand how bad it must be for other people. All i know is, the first panic attack i had, my fiance called me an ambulance. And since then, ive not been the same. But despite the odd bad days, im mostly having good days, and IT DOES GET EASIER!!!!

[MatthewH]

And Julia, i know what you mean. Ill be sat there, enjoying the evening, then think 'SH*T! What if it happens now!'
Then its all i can think about. But ive worked something out now. If im sat there, and im enjoying myself, then i think about the old 'What if'... I think this.

'Ive been here. Im fine. What can you worry about when youve done this before.'

I stopped smoking 10 days ago, and thought i would fail, like the other 15 times i tried to quit. Here i am. 4 Days without nicotine gum, feeling great! Not worried anymore. And if i get worried when im out, i just think 'Whats going to happen? You can do this, youve done it before. So stop worrying and enjoy it!'

Is hard to do, but once youve done it once, youll realise its just that tiny part of your mind saying you cant do it. But it feels so much bigger than it actually is!

[Jellie]

Thank you for your story it gives me lots of hope :-) Congrats on giving up smoking too yay xx

[littlekaitlyn]

It's great to hear that you're doing so much better! Congrats!

What kind of anxiety did you have? Mind is constant, I can't seem to escape it. Do you just have anxiety when you go places?

[Veronica H]

Thanks for sharing your success with us Matt. What you did was accept your symptoms and carry on. It is hard to accept that we are doing this to ourselves at times as the symptoms are so powerful. You broke the fear/adrenalin/fear cycle by not adding fear to whatever you experienced and this is the key to recovery. Your fiance is very supportive. Best wishes to you both.

Veronica