Hi
I'm hoping this is the right place to introduce myself? Feel a bit nervous - don't usually use forums, but everyone here seems really nice so what have I got to lose, right?
Well, a bit about me - first had a panic attack over 10 years ago - had never heard of them before and like so many it came from no-where and I was convinced I was having a heart attack so called 999... the attacks continued, but at the time I also had quite bad depression and after a while the panic attacks just seemed to go by themselves - or the depression took over - I’m not sure what happened but didn't give it much thought. Although had depression for many years afterwards I finally had some really good therapy a couple of years back (which meant I came off meds too for the first time in about 8 years) and have not really had any mental heath 'issues' since... until about a year ago when I started having panic attacks from no-where again. They sort of come and go, and I’ve been months without any, then have weeks where I seem to be in a permanent state of panic and find it very hard to do anything without an attack. Because of my many years on meds, I’m scared to go to the doctors because I’m scared they'll put me back on them and I’ll be stuck on them again... so I just kinda keep them to myself.
Everything came to a head though about a week before Christmas - I’ve been feeling generally unwell for a while so had so blood tests taken by the doctors - which induced anxiety in itself (will they show I have some terrible life threatening illness after all?). I live alone but things were so bad I had to stay at a friends for a few days. Then I rang the docs for the results and they told me some of the results had come back abnormal - well that was it, I was convinced they had in fact found out I had something seriously wrong and was in panic attack central :(
Having already burdened my friend for several days, I decided to ring my Mum and ask her to spend some the evening with me as the doctor couldn't see me til the next day. Me and my Mum have an odd relationship anyway, as she's never really been supportive of things in the past, but I still turn to her when things are bad... often to my disappointment (you'd think I’d learn). Anyway she basically said she had book club, but would come afterwards (around 10pm - and it was around 4pm when I rang - and I’m sure you can understand that 6hrs can seem like an eternity to someone in the throws of panic) so I got really upset and asked her if she could miss her club - and she said no. so I rang my sister who told me not to be so melodramatic - so I hung up on her cos I was so shocked at what she was saying to me. To cut a really long story a bit shorter I told them I didn't mean to be 'melodramatic' but was having really bad panic attacks, and was told by them both that they were sick of me periodically using mental health as an excuse to throw tantrums and when I decided to stop being so childish I could enjoy Christmas with them. So I didn't spend Christmas with them, but instead spent it mostly alone, having panic attacks.
Now all this sounds like I’m feeling really sorry for myself, but over the last few days I’ve decide I’ve got two choices, to curl up and let this (and them) defeat me, or to fight it my hardest - and although I know it'll probably get the better of me at times, I still choose to fight!
Hence finding your site - and I can't describe how much reading the messages here has already provided comfort - I knew other people felt like me too, but until reading them I never really understood exactly how people had had the very same feelings as me. Although I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone, equally it's comforting to know you feel the same, so thanks for sharing
Well, that was a much bigger introduction than I intended, and probably a bit garbled, so sorry about that - but thanks for listening.
BB x
Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.
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