Hi All.
Firstly, my apologies if this is in the wrong place. I'm fairly certain my depression is making a comeback, hence the post here.....
I'm having a really bad time at the moment. I can only recall one other period where I felt like this in over 10 years of anxiety, panic and depression.
Life has been quite tough over the last couple of months. My Dad still hasn't fully recovered from his second cancer surgery / radiotherapy over a year ago, and the variety of doctors / physiotherapists he has seen are of the opinion that things are now as good as they will get. Mum still suffers the damage done by a stroke she had whilst Dad was in hospital recovering from his surgery. She is also now waiting for a scan on a large mass in her lower abdomen, and the consultant at the hospital is very concerned about the other symptoms she has.
I've been functioning as a carer for Mum ever since her stroke. She does extremely well, considering that for two weeks after the stroke, she was still in hospital, and didn't recognise any of her family, and was having to re-learn things like recognising the need to go to the toilet, and she has recovered almost completley physically. She still has lots of problems with short term memory, such as leaving taps turned on, and has started a few minor fires by putting lit cigarettes in the bin, and leaving towels near a lit gas cooker etc. She also has great difficulty with the concept of time, and often has no idea what day of the week it is, and has a tendancy to go to bed, then get up 30 minuites later thinking it's the following morning.
Mum & Dad argue almost constantly. I think they are both very angry at what has happened to them, and they seem to vent thier frustration at each other. Of course, this means that I am always getting 'hit in the crossfire', and I really don't know how much longer I can handle it. I've tried to speak to them about it, but it just results in being shouted at, being told I'm selfish or told 'if you don't like it, move out'. Having lost 4 jobs due to the panic and depression, nobody will employ me, and I am in a lot of debt (around £25k) because I couldn't pay my loan, credit card and catalogue when I was fired from my job about 5 years ago. As such, I have to live on incapacity benefit, most of which is taken by debt repayments, so I can't afford to live anywhere else.
Neither of my two Brothers visit on a regular basis, even though they both live within 8 miles (one of them lives less than 2 miles away). One of them just doesn't talk about the situation, and the other just tells me I'm selfish and should get a job. The ironic thing is, he is a psychiatric nurse, but I've always felt he views my problems as unimportant and just self pity.
I've spent every waking moment of the last two months experiencing chest pains, numb left arm, tingling & pale lips, feeling sick, the full range of anxiety symptoms. I also loose my balance quite often, and feel like I've got some kind of ball being inflated in my upper abdomen, about half way between my sternum and belly button. At one point, I ended up at casualty having completley collapsed unconcious, and having virtually no movement in my left side. The doctors could find nothing wrong, and sent me home saying they were puzzled, and couldn't say if it would happen again or not.
Everything frightens me now. I'm scared to sleep in case I don't wake up, but being awake means I feel everything. I'm afraid to eat, but am weak with hunger. I'm afraid to go out, but hate being at home. Even going to the toilet is a major event for me. The other thing is, my temper is getting silly. Three times over the last two weeks, I have screamed at my parents, hurling objects around the room, punching the doors and walls. I got a late payment charge from my catalogue, and responded by throwing my laptop accross the room (luckily, no damage). Our dog is at my aunts grooming shop today, and Mum wanted me to drive. I said that I couldn't drive, as I didn't feel I could concentrate. She commented that I always come up with an excuse not to take her anywhere, and I ended up slapping the wall with an open hand. The ball joint at the bottom of my index finger is now badly bruised and swollen, and the finger won't move.
I really don't know what to do from here. The only thing stopping me from trying to kill myself is that I remember just how terrified I feel about the chest pains. There is just enough in the back of my mind to make me think 'If I really wanted to die, I wouldn't care that I think I'm having a heart attack'. I did tear up a pillow case a few days ago, and had it tied around my neck. I couldn't give a reason why, but I didn't tighten it up.
Anyhow, this post is probably already too long for anyone to hold thier attention. I don't mean that to sound nasty by the way. It's just that I don't think anyone, even the CBT person that I see (and who has cancelled our last 4 appointments) has ever listened to me long enough to say everything.
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