Looking for some support

[Moxygirl]

My partner gave birth to our beautiful daughter almost 8 months ago. She began to show signs of post partum depression about 3 months ago and her ability to cope has deteriorated at a steady pace. She now has distinct symptoms of ocd as well. She has committed in theory to getting help but thus far she has not really made any overt attempts that I am aware of. She has completely shut down from me and it has become impossible to have a discussion with her unless I am in complete agreement with every one of her thoughts. Her primary ritual is symetric alignment of everything from the placement of objects to ensuring all important dates can caluculate back to a number divisible by 4 or 8. It is getting worse and worse. She also admits to having "crazy" thoughts, but has yet to share those with me. I love her and have tried my best to support her but I really do not know what to do anymore. I am feeling completely held hostage by her illness. No matter how hard I try, it is not good enough, she finds fault in everything I do - the way I speak, my tone, my word choice. I am trying not to be resentful and really want to be here for her but I am feeling so helpless and worn out and really do not know where to turn. Is anyone out there experiencing the same kind of issue?

[joyce1980]

Hey there, this is hard for you i'm sure.

This is going to be very tricky since your wife does not think anything is really wrong or serious.

First of all, is your wife a danger to her baby or herself???? If you genuinely think yes, then you must do the right thing and drive her to your GP or hospital.. don't tell your wife you will do this unless she gets better as she will think you are going to have her committed and THEY DON'T really do that anymore.

Now you must understand that this is NOT something she can control, I think you should make an appointment with your GP on your own (just tell your wife it's a check up appointment for yourself) discuss these concerns fully with your Dr and go from there.

Make this appointment as soon as you can.

It will be most likely that she will be referred to a psychiatrist (I was) and treated with meds, medsw usually correct the chemical imbalance in the brain causing the OCD and depression, they do thake a few weeks to a good month to work so support your wife.

Your wife will NOT be able to get rid of this problem on her own ......

The more time you waste the more time it will take to recover.

I understand how your wife feels however I can feel it starting and I felt it when I had my baby and I legged it to the Drs and psychiatrist to change my medication.

I have had ocd my whole life and after pregnancy holy crap it got worse!!! I am back to normal now though.

Don't worry if you see your Dr everything will be ok.

[Moxygirl]

We have seen our GP once together and she has seen him once on her own. She is refusing to consider medication at this point. She denies thoughts of harming herself or the baby. Her anger seems to be pointed solely at me at this time. She is starting up with a ppd support group today so maybe that will bring her some relief. I feel like I am stuck because I cannot force her to go to a psychiatrist nor can I force her to take meds. I am struggling to make it through a day without a confrontation or doing something that she precieves as terribleyoffensive to her.

[bellabessnjet]

Hi,
Feel for you, what a hard time your going through. I had similar after my son, but it was caused by a prem birth, and other problems afterwards. I agree with joyces advice, if in doubt for the sake of your wife and baby you have to do something. It is however only 3 months, and hormones and sleepless nights, feeding, feeling trapped etc etc are natural, also if you go out to work she could be a bit resentful because your life hasnt changed much. I think you sound a really caring and concerned person, at the end of the day you know your wife, if you think theres reason for a big concern then seek as much help as poss. On a personal level after about 3 months I could have gladly strangled my hubby divorced him chucked his stuff out etc etc.
I really hope things start getting better for you soon, for all of you.

[smudger]

Hi. So sorry you are both going through this. I have suffered with depression for a while now on and off. From a female perspective, and from my experience, it wasn't til my husband said to me "I can't put up with this any longer, you are starting to make me feel ill too", that I actually did something about it! I didn't realise the impact I was having on him, I just thought he was ignoring me, letting me 'just get over it' You sound like its really affecting you now too! Could you tell her this?

Is she scared to admit she has an illness maybe? I was! Taking tablets at first for me was like admitting defeat but it doesn't mean she has to take them forever. Everybody needs help at some point in their life. If she broke a leg she would let a surgeon fix it wouldn't she? Same goes for brain health. Think some friendly persuasion is called for. Maybe you are too close to do this? What do you think. Has she a close friend who could speak to her without dropping you in it? Hope this helps.Will be thinking of you both.

[Rachel W]

I have known people whose OCD started after giving birth, in fact I think that is when a number of women start with it. It may be something to do with wanting to protect the baby and OCD is usually driven by wanting to protect or prevent something bad from happening.
With her having PPD it is probably just a double whammy for her. I know it is hard but PLEASE stick by her. It is a confusing disease to have as most people who have it are intelligent and even know that their thoughts and actions are irrational.

Her not seeming to want to get help may be a feeling of losing control. I have been saying that I will go to behavioural therapy for quite a number of years, but as I once got over it gradually myself before it came back I keep thinking that I can do it again.
Also three months really isn't very long and I think if she can get help with her PPD, then perhaps she can then have time to organise what she feels about the OCD and then get help with that. She is probably feeling very confused about it all and is getting all these obsessions that are irrational, and some may be just feelings about certain things that she just can't grasp and it may take her a while to figure out exactly how she is truly feeling and thinking. You are probably really tired right now too and tiredness ALWAYS makes my OCD worse, as well as the time of the month, so hormones can DEFINITELY affect it.

Also, she probably doesn't want to share her thoughts as they may be embarrassing. OCD thoughts can be completely out of nature for the person and now I realise this I try to ignore them, but they can be quite distressing. People with OCD don't usually act on these thoughts. It is almost as if you are thinking them because you are trying not to think of those things if that makes sense. Or they can be things like imaging yourself standing up in church and swearing and you feel as if you might do it, but no one actually does.

If you would like, have her message me, or message me yourself if you need to talk more.

God Bless and congratulations on the baby.

Rachel

[joyce1980]

Oh my yes, some of the thoughts and images running in your wifes head could scare her a lot and you to if she was to share them with you, BUT nearly every person with ocd has had this problem myself included and WE DON'T ACT ON THEM,

Please speak to your Dr and your wife

All the best x x x x

[charlotte83]

Hi,

Your wife is obviously new to OCD so it probably seems very confusing and overwhelming to her. It really can be controlled with the right help, my OCD was very bad a few years back, but now I feel it is manageable. Firstly, your wife needs to accept her problem and if she is really distrsessed, then maybe try and persuade her to try the meds. Like somebody else said, it doesn't mean it has to be forever but they can help short term, and as long as she tries other forms of therapy as well, she could come off them again eventually. I know its a big decision, I have never taken meds myself but I promised myself I would if it got to the stage where i wasn't coping at all for more then a few weeks.
Does your wife know much about OCD? It's good she is joining a group for the post natal depression, but she also needs to understand how OCD works in order to get better. I don't know obviously, but it seems from what you have said that she doesn't entirely understand where these thoughs are coming from or why they are happening. It really helped me to learn about OCD as I now know what to do when a thought pops up. Maybe some cognitive behavioural therapy would really benefit her. She probably knows her thoughts are irrational, like the symmetrical alignment of things, but it feels so distressing that she has no choice but to give in. Its very hard to accept but it really does make it worse to give into the obsessions and it makes it better to accept the thoughts and let the wash over you and pass. Its very very hard at first and your wife may not beleive it will work, but once she realises that letting the thoughts be and not reacting to them really does help, it makes it easier for the future.