Hello freinds, Just following on from my last thread Anxiety and Me....

Its not really a "MAN" thing is it???


All my life i have felt weak as a male, because i feel hurt and emotion just bubbling under the surface i try so hard to keep it at bay and be the typical stereotype male figure, but it so hard, growing up all the males in my life were strong male role models. My father, Grandpa, Uncles were all strong, i only ever so my father cry one time when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and even then he walked away and sat in his green house and sobbed with his head in his hands, i know because i was watching from my bedroom window, it felt like my heart was ripped out i was sobbing my heart out, because i could feel his pain so much and wanted to take it away from him..

It really is difficult to try and hide, but as a man i feel its not right for me to show emotion so i try my best to hide it... If i watch something sad on television i feel myself welling up inside i will walk out the room or turn over the television, but in life we cant just switch it off or turn a blind eye we have to deal with it, but i try to run from it....

So i guess i try as best to distance myself from any emotion, which as lead me to were i am today..

(1) I just cant do funerals, only close relatives, because i get so upset i cant stop myself from bursting into tears even if i didnt really know the person that well, i feel so hurt inside for the close family..

(2) I seem to have locked myself even further away from getting emotionally involved with anyone, because i have been hurt very badly in the past from someone close, so i put up barriers to stop it happpening again.

(3) I dont have a great deal of close freinds because with close freindship comes emotional attachment, and i wouldnt want them to feel pain if anything should happen to me, and i couldnt take the pain if anything should happen to them..

Just a few examples of the problems that emotion causes me.. Just yesturday is a prime example of what i mean, the lady next door to me (Aunty Kath) not really my aunt but she has lived there since i was born and she is my mothers best freind and well has been like an aunty to me through out my life..
A week ago i went for a colonoscopy because i had been having stomach problems, everything looked as it should and my doctor put mt toilet troubles down to irratable bowel, Aunty Kath also got reffered for a colonscopy and since i had mine i joked a little about the size of the camera just to make light heart of the matter, But all was not good she has been diagnosed with cancer of the rectum after the colonscopy, She is a single parent with a mentally handicapped son, i feel so upset and so emotional i havent been able to go in and see her because i will just break down in tears and make her feel terrible, i spent most of yesturday crying, people at work said have you been crying i was like no just think i am comeing down with a cold my eyes always water when i am getting a cold....... Why is it so wrong to show emotion because i just cannot hide it, its with me all the time.. Thats why i feel i just dont belong in this world..

My life is just on hold and has been for along time now, i just go to work come home have tea go to bed, not much of a life at all really....

Dan