Lon-term Anxiety/Depression/OCD problems tackled-now catastrophic relapse.Plse Help?

[widge]

I was was diagnosed with GAD by my GP some 20 yrs ago and have had several bouts which have led to suicidal depression and obsessive thoughts which have been more or less managed with meds/therapy so that I have been able to function reasonably.

Things came to a head a year ago when I slipped into a highly distressed state which was exaggerated this time by alcoholism.

I sought help from my GP and have been in constant counseling since-I was helped greatly by this site and its members.

I gave up drinking (free for 8 months now) but other manifestations of my depression are deeper and harder to tackle-particularily my obsessive thoughts and often my behaviour and these seem to work against me constantly.

I have difficulty sleeping and am often w/awake at 3am with only my computer for company......!!.......as a 'red blooded' man I often find myself habitually surfing the internet and idley clicking through all sorts of info in a compulsive manner-

This can lead to some very addictive behaviour patterns and also carries the risk of viewing things you wished you'd never seen.

Where-as many people can just 'get over it' and dismiss it as the nature of the net, if I am feeling vulnerable I become haunted by this sort of thing and catastrophise that I must be some kind of monster for having 'seen or read things' - even though I am repulsed by some of it, don't actively seek it, sign up for any of it, or live out any associated feelings about it in real life.......but it seems like another compulsive and damaging addiction which has control over me (or which I LET have control)

I feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde!

And yet the apparent 'evidence' to all and sundry, and the way I conduct myself in real life points (so I am told but find hard to believe) to my being a kindly, worldly-wise, successful and lovable(???) man. I just can't see it. AT ALL!

This in turn triggers a whole wave of disastrous imagined consequences to the point where I feel overwhelmingly depressed and yes-suicidal (extreme self loathing and worthlessness)

......so here I am again...almost at the point of no return. I knowdrink isn't an answer...but I feel SO SO unhappy.

I am sorry to ramble on but I think (hope) that I am surely not alone with these darknesses...........but it is so hard to get any perspective from where I am at the moment.......feeling alone, worthless, hateful, evil, and looking to the bottle or worse for salvation again.

Please read?
I have got to the point where I can't go on with these feelings.

Yrs Widge

I have an understanding and supportive wife and still see my counsellor (who has also been so helpful) but am sometimes afraid or find it impossible to reveal the extent of my darkest self loathing and some of its causes and the real or imagined consequences

[widge]

I'm guessing that by being forthright I am probably coming over all wrong here? I was able to speak to my counsellor this PM and she reminded me of my capacity to catastrophise about things that shouldn't amount to more than a hill of beans and to lose ones perspective.

Its very hard to see that rationally when you have worked yourself up into such a lather though.

I am sure people here must face similar upsets?

[Vixxy]

Its a common trend for us all. Making mountains out of molehills.
My main thoughts for you is that you need to stop beating yourself up over your late night internet use. When youve got your anxiety under control I would imagine this behaviour will start to disapear.
Until then maybe you could get your wife to set parental guidance tools in your internet explorer to stop you looking at these sites?
Maybe you could try playing a game instead? Like the sims or something relaxing.

Another thing you can try is writing down all your imagined or real consequences. And then reply to them as you would if someone else had written it. I find it helps me to look at it in perspective.

I do hope ive not said the wrong thing. I was going to reply earlier, but didnt know if it would trivialise your problems too much?
Take care.

[widge]

Thanks Vixxy.......so glad to get a reply.

The trouble is........the internet is such a two edged sword with the ability to entertain inform AND put the fear of god into you and the last aspect can be crippling if you are already paranoid/anxious. In fact, I'm sure that large parts of it prey on peoples vulnerabilities and it can blow up into terrible issues.

My counsellor is well up on 'internet addiction' but to me it is a monster and in some ways harder to deal with than alcohol.

I can simply not have booze in the house...or not buy the next pack of ciggies and its a start....the net is just a click away and that click can be harrowing if you don't make the right choice!...or even if you do!

Can't live without it...can't live with it.

Thank you SO MUCH for coming back to me.

[Vixxy]

I can understand that. Ive been hooked to an internet game for years. Its just a click away to get the fix.
It sounds like you have a very addictive personality that seems to cause you great misery. To be honest everyone has things they hate about their illness. Mine is pushing my husband away and keeping him at arms length all the time. I hate doing it ,but cant seem to stop!
Ive never had to deal with an addiction, but maybe you can apply the 12 steps to the internet? Im sure theres an internet addiction site out there. Trouble is if you give up the net, what would you aim your addiction at next time?
Unless the internet problem is the driving force behind your mental health problems, then I would focus on fixing the other problems and hope the addiction drops as you start to recover
Again just me rambling

[oneofus]

You can always use open dns to control access from your PC to unsuitable sites, see www.opendns.com or there are sites which you can join and they'll watch your surfing to help you sort out addiction problems.

[widge]

Thank you.......oneofus,

Although I might resist the idea of a 'net nanny' , my counsellor is meeting me next week so we can address something that has caused me so much worry recently...........It has really only just hit me like a hammer that my internet habituation-of whatever kind- is really damaging my mental health and that I need to find the same strength of will as came with giving up drinking.

Not easy.

I cannot find the words to describe the anxiety it is causing and yes, I do have an 'addictive' personality so it is difficult for me to be rational about it.

Thanks again

[unspoken]

Hi Widge

I am in many ways in a different life situation to you, as well as being a different age and gender. However I think I can understand some of your feelings here. I find that at night I feel so much worse about everything. For a long time it seemed like as soon as it got dark, my personality flipped and I went from being relatively calm and stable to feeling panicky, hopeless and contemplating suicide. I was kept up by thoughts about the world and how wrong human society is. How evil we all are. I couldn't see any good at all in the human race. I spent my evenings and nights browsing the net reading forums about suicide and sites about medication and psychiatric conditions. I would feel agitated and angry with myself and lash out at myself. The only way I could control it was to take tranquilizers. I felt like my night time personality was undermining any progress I was making during the daytime. For months I couldn't get to sleep before 5am.

I'm now in a slightly better situation. I am managing to keep myself occupied enough during the day and taking the right medication to be calmer at night. Lately though I have been feeling pretty bad again.

Do you get regular exercise? Exercise can help to improve your sleeping and remove some of the energy, I found that a build up of anxious energy made me feel angry and fuelled the self-hatred I felt. Have you considered limiting yourself to using the internet during the day and evening? I can understand just how lonely the middle of the night is though and usually the internet is the only way to feel any human contact. I find that listening to talk radio can calm me down and take my mind off things. Also drawing or writing down thoughts can help.

Your counsellor sounds like she is helpful and understanding. Late night internet browsing is probably a habit you will have to break, set a time at which you will turn off the computer. You could try banning yourself from certain sites. I have a friend who is a student and he has huge problems with being distracted by websites when he is supposed to be studying. He uses DNS to block himself from certain websites. I'm not sure if anything I have said here has been helpful but I hope it is in some way helpful to you.

[widge]

Yes unspoken......My late nights/dodgy surfing has become like a ritual...a habit. I cannot now just go to be bed with my everloving and sleep...it is a torment to try.

I need to break the cycle at least.....................sadly worry and fear seem to replace sleep for me at the moment and in a strange way THIS feels 'normal'.

thankyou for yr kind response.

I have literally worn myself out with worry today so maybe this could help with the sleep patterns at least!

[unspoken]

Yes unspoken......My late nights/dodgy surfing has become like a ritual...a habit. I cannot now just go to be bed with my everloving and sleep...it is a torment to try.

I need to break the cycle at least.....................sadly worry and fear seem to replace sleep for me at the moment and in a strange way THIS feels 'normal'.

thankyou for yr kind response.

I have literally worn myself out with worry today so maybe this could help with the sleep patterns at least!

Ah yes, I know what you mean. It becomes the bedtime habit. I've suffered from insomnia since I was a child. It's like once I got old enough to have anxious thoughts, I lost the ability to just go to sleep. I find that I have to trick myself into going to sleep. It may be more difficult sharing a room with somebody else but I do things like putting the radio on quietly and trying to concentrate on listening to it or putting my bedside lamp on and trying to read something difficult with small text, or trying to do cryptic crosswords, and my brain says "I can't be bothered with this" and I start to feel drowsy. But if I have to move to do anything, like brush my teeth or turn the light out, I feel wide awake again. So really I have to either drug myself (which I use amitriptyline for, but it makes me feel sleepy the next day) or trick myself into feeling sleepy. I can only sleep when I think I shouldn't be sleeping. So bear that in mind, try to trick yourself into changing your habits, like 'just lying down for a while' with the idea of getting up later. A book I was reading about depression suggested for insomnia to schedule an activity you don't enjoy (e.g. ironing) for after your usual bedtime and go to bed with the intention of getting up to do it. Chances are you'll fall asleep to avoid it but if you are awake, you'll get something useful done.