First week of Citalopram

[Raindog]

Week 5, Saturday day 34
I didn't make a post on Saturday, I had to get down to the Literary Festival in the morning and didn't get back home til the early evening and didn't bother then. I wandered down to the central library in town to watch the opening event for the Middlesbrough Lit Fest and spent most of my time talking to John Chadwick and his partner Kath, friends of mine from University. My friend Rob, who is also volunteering at the radio station with me, was off doing interviews at the Anime & Manga festival in the town hall. He's a big Manga fan and was in his element so I was happy to let him do that.

One of the live musicians sang a song that made me think about my life a bit, it was a song about putting up walls when we get hurt and how they can stop you from having some of the better experiences life has to offer. I know I'm guilty of that in many ways, my last big relationship with a woman was 10 years ago, one that went on for 3 years and has left me with a few scars. It was shortly after this relationship finally ending, probably a long time after it should have, that I went off to study for my degree in my early 30's. I fell into my work there, studying hard and although I was sociable during those 3 years I did tend to avoid getting to close to many people.

I've had confidence issues with women since and early age when I was the object of ridicule at school, this is something I've slowly worked on over the years but it's still there. I can talk to women, that's not a problem now but I find that last step, making it more personal, a bit of an issue. I like my own space and in some ways that makes me respect other people's space too, maybe a bit too much, I feel like I'm intruding on a woman's space if I take that extra step, imposing myself on them when they don't want that so I often have trouble 'making my move' as it were. It holds me back, even if I think a woman is interested I may second guess myself and think that I'm misreading the signals and withdraw, convincing myself that I'm imposing myself on her, that she's just being friendly and not wanting anything more. Maybe as I become more social again I'll start to work on this.

After we left the Lit Fest event, myself, John and a few others went over to a pub they visit and met some other people there. We sat and had a good chat about all sorts of things and I enjoyed meeting a few new people as well as getting to talk to John again.

Getting home I watched some TV to relax and turned off my laptop early to stop myself sitting on here all night. I'd been surrounded by people a lot of the day, and while it wasn't such a bad thing I just wanted a bit of space, plus sitting in the NMP chat room at night often makes my head spin when it's busy, the chat can go at quite a pace so I often don't bother. I was tempted to join in the Saturday night quiz on there but felt too tired when 9pm came around. There will always be next week.

Week 5, Sunday day 35
Woke up around 6, as normal then spent the next couple of hours dozing off for an hour at a time. Got up for the loo then crawled back into bed for more snoozage. I really felt like not getting up this morning, it wasn't the desperate anxiety this morning, more a mild malaise that made me look at getting out of bed as committing to something, accepting what the day would send while staying in my warm bed was like foregoing all that and being able to avoid that commitment.

I've spoken before how my anxiety seems to manifest around taking on responsibility and committing to things, like when I was getting panicky over the thought of job interviews and feelings of being under pressure when I said I'd be a certain place or do something at a certain time. This morning was part of this weeks blip and revolved around that whole thing, not wanting to get up and take on the day, just wanting it all to go away and leave me be so I didn't have to accept any responsibility or commit to any course of action. It wasn't strong enough to keep me in bed and it let me view the situation a little more objectively than I was able to a month or so ago when I was feeling desperate and anxious about things so much.

It probably stems from this week being so busy, going for the job interview, organising and doing things at the radio station, etc. This left me feeling like I didn't have much time for myself even though it was only a few hours a day. It's just been such a chore to get myself going in the mornings this past week, motivation to get going has been a bit low during this blip and there seems like so many things I have to do, but in some ways I need to get back into the rhythm of getting things done. Just wish it didn't seem quite so difficult this week. Once I get going it becomes easier, but looking at the things I feel need doing I just feel a tiny bit overwhelmed at times, like in the mornings when I get up.

I think part of it is that I got so lazy during winter, just sat on my behind not doing much apart from playing the online game I play and my concentration levels were so shot while I was going through my anxiety that I'm only just getting back into sitting down and being able to really get stuff done. I wonder if sitting in the NMP chat rooms all morning is something I should cut down on a bit, it does help me a bit having some people to chat to, but I know from prior experience that sometimes I can be a tad obsessive about things I get into, sometimes to the exclusion of other things that matter, like playing the online game over winter and doing very little else for several weeks and months.

I've still got a long way to go, this past week has shown me that, but this is just the end of week 5 on the Cit and I have a lot to deal with in my mixed up head, but hopefully I'm getting used to doing things more and dealing with the pressures I feel when I take on any kind of responsibility, now matter how small it is. We often blow things out of proportion, that's one thing I've learned during my anxiety and from NMP, so that's helped me realise that it's mostly the anticipation of things that make us feel anxious, once we're out and about, involved in whatever we're doing, it's not that big a deal in most cases.

Let's see what week 6 brings, I feel better than I did on Friday at least so hoping this weeks blip is running itself out and I'm starting to make progress again, I'll let you know

Better days people

Shaun

[Raindog]

Welcome to Week 6 of my journey through the wonderful world of taking Citalopram

So yeah...

Week 6, Monday day 36
Woke up and dozed for a while, once I started to surface properly I felt a bit of anxiety, one little bolt of it tried to invade my sleepy thoughts, something that wasn't particularly pleasant but I was able to push back. I spent an hour or so just lounging around in my bed after that having those feelings of not wanting to get up and face the world, much like the past few days, perhaps a little stronger but not overwhelming like it's been in the past, before the Cit started helping.

Pulled myself out of bed a bit before 8am and sat down with a cup of tea to see who might be around for a bit of a morning chat while I cleared my head a bit and woke up properly. Still waiting to reach that point but getting there after a spot of breakfast.

Thinking back on that little flare up of anxiety, it came shortly after I let myself start thinking about the things you see in the news and the papers, the state of the world they portray, the mess we seem to be in with the financial crisis and all that. Just thinking where things seem to be going in the world frightened me a bit. Not sure if that was just the anxiety looking for a way in and making me think about the negative aspects of current events or whether those thoughts brought the anxiety on, but I put those thoughts aside when it raised its ugly little head and was able to squelch the anxiety down again before it took a firm hold of me as I lay there.

I went to the Mind open social thing yesterday and joined in the relaxation session they ran, that helped and was the first time in a long time I'd been able to immerse myself even a little bit in a visualisation. It felt nicely relaxing so might give it another go when I get a quiet moment without something I feel I need to do. One of the other Mind users there was talking about the problems we have and mentioned a word that struck home, it was one I've heard many times when dealing with mental problems like anxiety. The word was avoidance. I think I've been trying to express that word in my previous posts when I talked about feeling anxious about responsibility and committing to things, I just felt like I wanted to avoid them, just like I wanted to avoid facing the day these past few mornings by feeling safe and warm in bed. That only reinforces the anxiety I think, things mount up if you run away from them and that ends up making small issues worse as things don't get done.

I've been in situations before where I avoided paying debts, thinking that they wouldn't catch up with me when I changed address and so on, but you find that at some point things will just fester away under the surface and find you at some point. I ended up having to pay a nice chunk of my monthly wages for a while to pay off debts I'd gotten myself into a while ago, but after it was done I felt relieved that it was out of the way.

I was just reading an interesting post before I started mine just now and it helped me understand that this blip is probably just a response to me becoming more active and taking on more to push myself a little, trying to get over my avoidance issues a bit, commit myself to more things. Here is the post if you want a read http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=76766.

One of the posts has a useful perspective on anxiety and how we feed it, often my giving in and avoiding the things we're worried and afraid of:

Remember that any attention you give to your anxiety will feed it and so prolong its survival. The question isn't really how long anxiety will affect you; it's more of a question of when you'll let it go. Whenever you are able to do that, will be the time it'll no longer bother you because you won't be worrying about it. In other words, it's really up to you how long it lasts because the "cure" is held within you.

As I've said to others when posting a bit of encouragement in their threads asking for reassurance, your head is currently a war zone with the anxiety and the meds doing battle, and as the medication starts to win the anxiety is likely to become more desperate in it's attempts to control and affect you. I'm looking on this weeks blip as my anxiety making one of those last ditch attempts, struggling to keep a foothold in my head but slowly being taken apart. I feel I can get through what it's throwing at me right now, it doesn't wrap itself around me and send me spinning into those desperate feelings like it used to, it's just a bloody inconvenience making me feel less than 100% but nothing that I feel is going to drag me down like it did a month or two ago.

Good things take time, I've learned that over the years, I now have the light at the end of the tunnel, it's not always clear, sometimes just a glow on the wall around the bend, but I have the breathing space to keep working towards it now, just need to keep hold of it and not let the anxiety back in.

Better days people

Shaun

[Oddfish]

Hi Shaun,

Sorry to hear you have been having a blip over the last week or so. It probably is a response to your commitments. Some people get over-stimulated more easily in others and this can be magnified with depression and anxiety. I'm definitely one of those people!

I also like my own space and although I like to socialise, meet new people etc I always tend to keep a certain distance. I do need a lot of time to myself compared to most people and it certainly contributed to the state I got into with my last job. I just couldn't cope with the demands and pace and levels of interaction required like other people could. I wasn't getting enough 'me' time. This has been problematic in relationships too. Boyfriends have become offended by my requests to spend more and more time alone and I've never moved in with anyone because of the fear of losing my own space.

As for avoidance, this is a huge issue for me. The strange thing is that I can be fine doing some really big things. Yesterday I went on a horse for the first time ever and I was terrified but it was also an exciting new experience and I went with a bunch of complete strangers and it was really good fun, but when I turn my mind to other things like job hunting or household chores I will slip into avoidance mode because I know they make me depressed and anxious. Some people are astounded at my ability to meet strangers and do activities on a whim. They say they never could, yet I find it easy. On the other hand I've always had a bit of social phobia with authority figures and talking on the phone, so ringing up companies and talking to important people about serious things is my idea of hell. I just can't do it. It's any situation where I feel I am being judged or under pressure to perform in a certain way or if I feel someone might take me for a ride or get one up on me. I find it overwhelming.

Each day my to do list is largely ignored in favour of 'exciting' events I want to do or reading/watching TV/internet surfing. I always have grand plans in my head but don't have the motivation, confidence or resilience to actually do anything about them. I've always been this way.

On a final note, I also tend to have theme songs for different periods in my life. At the moment I'm identifying with Katie Melua's 'the flood'. In a way it seems to fit in with the last few months of my life, and I'm just starting to reach the high tempo bit at the end where things are more positive!

Tricky

[Raindog]

Hi trickyvee,
What you describe sounds somewhat like me, I'm quite a sociable person and can easily talk and meet new people and do new things, but the mundane chores and everyday tasks just get put aside and I often find myself doing things like watching movies when I could use the time to get things done then feel that there aren't enough hours in the day

Oh well, this is all working our way through it, give something a name and you have power over it is the rule here I think, once we identify something about ourselves we are more aware of it, able to possibly affect it through an act of will.

Better days
Shaun

[Oddfish]

Glad I'm not the only one who puts things off. Anyway I'm trying to live by the motto "do something each day that scares you" to push me into doing things. The horse riding was the first but it can't always be that exciting so today's was eating gazpacho soup. Not scary but novel, and I didn't like it. Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained...

[Raindog]

I find doing the things that my anxiety doesn't want me too is scary enough, I've been pushing myself to commit myself to doing more things and taking on more responsibility, making sure I'm where I said I would be when I said and doing the things I've been putting off. I think this is why my anxiety is pushing back this past week.

I must be doing something right then if my anxiety monkey doesn't like what I'm doing

Shaun

[Raindog]

Week 6, Tuesday day 37
Feeling a bit better this morning, the tension isn't so evident and didn't really move in until well after I'd woken up and gotten myself out of bed. After going through and looking at why this blip has happened and posting about it a few times in different threads, I think I've managed to put a positive enough spin on it for myself that I can view it as a good thing in a way, I've taken steps to move beyond the point the anxiety wanted me at by doing things I felt were the triggers for my anxiety and in doing so I've raised the stakes a bit.

I realised this morning that I'm measuring out my days from the foil packets that my Cit comes in, this morning was Tuesday's pill. I remember when I was going through my 'shut in' phase over winter, I sometimes forgot what day it was, like it mattered much then, they were all the same in many ways, just me sitting in my room on the computer, barely moving or doing much at all. I felt happy in my little closed off world, not having to deal with the outside world that much, getting by, all that. It was only when I realised that it wasn't doing me any good and started to drag myself back into the outside world a bit more that this depression started which then kicked off my anxiety. There have been times when I thought maybe I should have stayed as I was but it really wasn't healthy in the long run and I probably would have had to deal with this at some point anyway.

I was talking about putting up walls in my post the other day and I think hiding away in my room was a way to protect myself, just having lost my job and having those thoughts of doing another load of job interviews to get some job didn't seem too attractive at that point and I suppose I got a bit too comfortable in my little, safe world. We probably all do that to some extent, whether feeling anxiety or not, shut ourselves off from the things that we feel worry, scare or hurt us. The difficult thing is finding your way back to some place where you can interact again, be a part of the world and try to function as something other than a hermit

Anyway, not entirely sure where this is going, I'm just rambling so might leave this until later when my thoughts aren't dancing about like drunk gypsies in my head, I might make more sense then.

Better days people

Shaun

[Gordon64]

For what it's worth Raindog I just started Cit and had same horrible sweating you describe-I have used it before though and think it will settle down for you given time

Best of luck

Gordon

[Raindog]

Hi Gordon,
The sweating is something that was fairly short lived, I think the Cit may have made me sweat more during the heat, but I tend to sweat a fair bit at night anyway during the summer when it's hot and humid so what I'm not too clear what could be put down to the side effects of the meds and just me being too warm at night, even under a very light duvet.

Anyway, it's time for....

Week 6, Wednesday day 38
I really do wonder about the drinking culture in this country. I settled down to sleep around 2am after watching some tv and not feeling sleepy for a while. Not too long after this, probably after I'd just drifted off to sleep, I find myself awakened by yet another drunken idiot out on the street making an awful noise. It sounded like whoever it was, I couldn't tell if it was male of female, was kicking or punching something or someone and screaming drunkenly before they ran off down the road leaving me wondering what the hell that was all about.

Had a bit of a lie in this morning, not as much to do today, this last week has been pretty busy so going to have a bit more time to relax over the next few days thankfully, feeling like I have so much to do and get involved with over the past week or so has contributed to my blip this week. My whole body felt like it was fizzing when I did get up, not the most pleasant feeling, but not a really bad one either. Not sure if this was because I still needed more sleep or if I'd had enough or was just my mild anxiety working away on my system while I was waking up, it was most odd to have that slightly nervous fizzing happening all over, but it passed as most of the morning feelings do.

I think part of the problem at the moment is the heatwave that seems to have descended upon us here in the UK, that can leave me feeling drained and worn out if I'm out in it too much, while I love going for a nice walk somewhere, it's not the best thing when it's this hot and humid, spring and autumn are definitely the months for me I've found.

Hopefully, if I can get this job that I had the prelim interview for last week, I'll be working in a nice air conditioned place and not have to worry too much about all the heat, I worked in the same building a few years ago and I would avoid most of the heat when I was coming into work in the morning, it was only the journey home when I'd catch the heat but that wasn't too much of a problem since I'd been working in a comfortable environment all day, which definitely helps, so here's hoping I get a call to go back for another interview in the next few weeks as they said.

Getting there, slowly, despite little setbacks like this blip. The Cit is helping me get through and this past week is just me reaching a new stage as it works on my anxiety and depression.

Better days people
Shaun

[Raindog]

Well I got an email through today telling me that I had the 2nd interview for that job I went to see about last week, and it's next Friday, so looking forward to that. From what the guy said I thought he might take a week or two longer but he wants to see me again so it looks good for the old Raindog, might be in gainful employment by this time next months.

Now I just need to cool down, I've been sat in a rather warm studio at the radio station helping one of the other guys out with his show and I'm baked.

Better days folks
Shaun