marriage falling apart

[mothermac]

I have had anxiety for the past 20 years or more in some form and have recently sought counselling as I have also been diagnosed with ME(chronic Fatigue).A lot of my anxiety has been caused by childhood,ie death of father at an early age,domineering mother etc and the counsellor has been really good in telling me how to go about trying to overcome the effect all these have had on me.My anxiety has centered around my husband and I am really scared something will happen to him like it happened to my dad and leave me to bring up our daughter alone like my mum had to do with me,he has been supportive in a way but I feel he harbours a lot of resentment towards me and it is ruining our relationship.I have read Dr Clare Weekes books and she says a husband/wife will be tested to the extreme if one half of the team is diagnosed with an anxiety disorder of some form or another,well yeah I would say that's true enough.He criticise's me a lot and blames my anxiety on EVERYTHING,if I moan about the housework or chastise our daughter for anything he will instantly blame me and opose me on the subject,he thinks I control everything and I feel absolutely crushed by it all.I get very tired with my ME but work part time in Tesco to help with the finances and do all the housework and all the gardening,he has a lot of work with his managers job and works on the computer a lot,we take turns to take our daughter to bed and if it is my turn even if I am feeling ill with my Me or have had a particularly busy shift at work he will not say oh I will take her instead,he will demand I still get up and do it.This makes me feel very unloved and a bit of a skivvy to be honest and I am feeling very worthless and lost.This is the only tip of the iceberg and I would say we are civil to each other 90% of the time but there are times when I feel as though I would be better off without him and my anxiety would decrease as well.I constantly worry about his heavy smoking and he does drink also and he just accuses me of nagging and says it's my control freakish nature coming out again,when he says this it drives a knife through my heart.We don't sleep together any more either because he has a terrible snoring and teeth grinding problem and with my ME I don't sleep well anyway so we haven't had any sex for months.I feel as though I need to stay for my daughter's sake as she adores him and he is brilliant with her but I feel so sad and I am crying writing this but I can't get him to love me anymore and the anxiety has killed any feelings he used to have for me and they were lovely once and I just don't know where to turn.I have spoke to him about marriage guidance but he flatly refuses and tells me it is all my fault anyway so there's no point.Thanks for reading this.I am sorry to rant but I am sat up on my own at nearly 1.00 in the morning and I just felt so alone.

[pollyanna]

Hi Mothermac

I felt so sad reading your post, but know where you are coming from.
Marriages are tested to the limit with all the usual things, kids, money, family issues, work, add an illness into the mix and and it can be a volcano waiting to erupt. I am not saying it will be easy but things can improve from here, but i suppose it needs both parties to try to make that work. I am so sorry that you feel so unloved and sad, I think men in generally, although i know its not all men, but they find it difficult to express their feelings, or what they say , to a women it can sound a bit off or harsh, but to them they are being factual, or to the point, i have the same discussions with my husband, and he honestly believes he is not saying/doing anything wrong... very frustating.

i dont know where you go from here on in, but i suppose one of the first things would be to keep communicating with each other, i hope you find a way to work through this.

sending you hugs and best wishes

P x

[Ronny]

Hi Mothermac,It sounds to me like he has the problem,with his snoring and grinding teeth,that is enough to drive anyone to sleep in separate beds,I have had anxiety and panic for years and my old man works away,which I really love,but I do miss him,as over the years he has been my rock.He was the one who used to take care of our daughter when I was at my low point,he made sure that she had clean clothes and cooked for us both,he is a bikie and is a heavy smoker and drinker,but underneath that tough exterior,is a kind and loving man.It sounds like your hubby is just bloody selfish,I'm sorry for saying that,but if that was my old man I would kick him up the bum and send him to therapy.You keep your chin up and just look after you and your daughter,Take Care.
Rhonda xx