What EXACTLY are we afraid of?

[suzannacorfu]

Hi, everyone,
I understand you all completely. I too have had this for many years (8) and as soon as my brain tumour has turned into a tension headache something else takes it's place. Every time I clear my throat; cancer. Every bruise; leukaemia. My left ankle swells; heart disease. I feel sleepy after a meal; a stroke. My stomach bloats; cancer.
It is never ending.

So what is it that we are ACTUALLY afraid of? I have studied and analysed this very carefully and for me it boils down to one basic thing:
If I am ill and need tests or treatment I will not be able to cope with the pain and the fear. This will make everyone angry with me, maybe despise me and I think that THAT is my worst fear. Being despised.
How could they NOT despise me? I do. I seriously despise me for having this "weakness" (please note that in ME I see this as a weakness in everyone else I do NOT see it as such. All I feel for anyone who suffers this is EMPATHY).
Can we see a pattern here? How come I despise myself for this and yet I feel so much empathy for all you guys eh??

This is classic altered thinking though! If someone were to despise me for my mind or in my work for example it would make me laugh! Why? Because I am so very, very confident in my mind and my abilitiy in the work arena. Their despising me would even touch me in the slightest. Because in MY mind their despising me would be UNFOUNDED. They would be wrong! But if they despise me for my FEAR then...yep they are right to do so!!

I look at people and small kids who have serious illnesses and they cope. Then I feel even MORE of a failure because I can't even cope with being healthy!!!

It is easy to see how I can turn this into Agoraphobia though. If I despise myself then obviously (haha) everyone else should despise me too right? So...don't go out into the world

The point of this? I neeed to address the picture that I have of myself and my fear. Of course some people WILL despise me for having a weakness but THEY are not the ones making me feel bad guys! I AM THE ONE MAKING ME FEEL BAD. It is all ME and my unrelenting "be perfect or die" attitude.

It is so horribly UNFAIR of me to feel empathy for you guys and yet to treat myself so differently.

Suzi

[StoneMonkey]

Hi Suzi,
How are you doing. Firstly I admire you for being able to function out in those temperatures. Too hot 4 me & I maybe a wee bit jealous of the scenery. (I have only been out in my head).
Feeling too much empathy can be very painfull. Some people are content with fixing their immediate surroundings others are trying to carry the world yet leaving nothing for themselves.
Its very common with us sensitives to feel the pain that others are displaying.
The care profession can sometimes feel cold to us but they need to be detached or they will very quickly join us.
Not only do we suffer different layers of distress we then decide to cause ourselves more pain by at best disliking ourselves

How are you going to start to be easier on yourself to not be perfect.
Perfect is usually a temporary state. Perfect day, perfect evening, perfect sunset (I bet you have seen a few of those but how would you appreciate one if it happened every day).

You already have me on board. Im sitting here thinking look at suzi go. Shes out there living in Corfu you must of busted through all sorts of comfort zones to achieve that.
Give yourself a big hug in the Corfu sun.

Simon.

[suzannacorfu]

hey Simon,
Thanks for the kind words! Yeah I broke through comfort zones and then I just got new ones!! zi don't believe that breaking through the comfort zones is the "way out". I sincerely believe that acceptance is the key. Acceptance of ourselves. Show me a panicker and I will show you someone who is too tough on themselves in some part of their life at least.
For years and years I would wonder what "loving yoursellf" and accepting yourself meant. I would always think "How can I accept me?" and I would then make a list of things wrong with me (can't go to dentist, supermarket etc).
Then one day I realised that I don't have to be superwoman in order for me to DESERVE MY acceptance. Others get my acceptance really easily!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why not ME???? What a "lightbulb moment" that was!!!! Slowly I started to accept myself and the panic receded. Then it came back and I struggled again. Back to square one. I have a way to go I know that but I also know that I am on the right track and that I will get there!!
Glad you're on board Simon! Tell me: are the people you admire and accept so very much " better" or "worthy" than you are??? You accept me and I can't even go to the dentist!!!!!!!!!! Hahahahaha
Suzi

[countrygirl]

With me I always fear that I have ignored a symptom and it is a sign of something serious and so it is my fault that I have got something fatal nonsense I know but I have had this since I was a young child due to my gran( acting mother at time) who had symptoms of small strokes due to diabetes which she ignored and then she had a massive stroke and was a vegetable for a year until she died - 6 months of that time I was left at home alone with her during day at 4 yrs old!!! I had also been told not to let her have sweets because of her diabetes and even at that young age I tried to stop her eating my sweets to no avail so again thought it was my fault she had died.

This very traumatic event at a young age had a profound effect on me as you can imagine and resulted in severe health anxiety from age 5.

I have had endless therapy and know all the whys and wherefores but nothing has helped - told the trauma caused mentally is so bad that it will never change so now I concentrate on managing my problem and being honest with Dr's.

[blueangel]

With me I always fear that I have ignored a symptom and it is a sign of something serious and so it is my fault that I have got something fatal nonsense I know but I have had this since I was a young child due to my gran( acting mother at time) who had symptoms of small strokes due to diabetes which she ignored and then she had a massive stroke and was a vegetable for a year until she died - 6 months of that time I was left at home alone with her during day at 4 yrs old!!! I had also been told not to let her have sweets because of her diabetes and even at that young age I tried to stop her eating my sweets to no avail so again thought it was my fault she had died.

This very traumatic event at a young age had a profound effect on me as you can imagine and resulted in severe health anxiety from age 5.

I have had endless therapy and know all the whys and wherefores but nothing has helped - told the trauma caused mentally is so bad that it will never change so now I concentrate on managing my problem and being honest with Dr's.

Weird, I nearly came on here earlier and started a thread like this - I must have been having a psychic moment.

My story is very similar to yours; I lost my granddad when I was 3, and then my father when I was 7. My dad had MS and it was never properly explained to me; he was just carted away to a hospital where he spent the rest of his life. This was also exacerbated by my mother, who for reasons best known to herself, didn't tell me that he had died for 3 months. Ergo, this left me with a huge problem trusting people. At the time, the medical profession thought that MS was hereditary, so every time I fell over I was poked and prodded.

Then when I was about 9, my gran had a stroke at home, but recovered. Then my mother had a few instances of what I now know to be TIAs (transient ischaemic attacks), but she tried to ignore them and to make matters worse, her useless doctor didn't pick it up and do anything about it.

When I was 21, and she was 57, she had a brain aneurysm and nearly died. She spent the following 20 years with a much reduced quality of life before finally dying of emphysema for the smoking which had probably caused the brain aneurysm as well.

By the time this happened, I also had quite well-developed HA. I'd been told that my dad was a "hypochondriac" but as I never really lived with him, I can't have learnt that by example, so maybe it's hereditary?

I've had all sorts of HA approximately every 7 years since I was seven, which is quite a long time ago now. I've had counselling, which has worked to an extent, but I just don't think I will ever be free of it, particularly as I get older and statistically the chance of real health problems increases.

If there is a switch in my mind to switch it off, I really wish I could find it.