everyday i think i'm going to die...

[Andromeda]

My uncles sudden death at a relatively young age is what started all this for me , i had never really given much thought to death as my strict catholic upbringing would always reassure me , i'd never had a reason to question God or heaven , that was where i'd go when i died.

Death always seems so far off , before i developed my anxiety if the thought of death came into my head , i would acknowledge it for a split second then brush it off because it was not something i could see myself having to deal with in the near future.

His sudden death has triggered this intense fear in me about sudden death and illness because;

1. none of us know whats going to happen tomorrow , yes i might be young but that doesn't mean i couldn't drop down dead at any moment / slip into a coma / develop cancer etc

2. if you think about it , all you ever really have is the moment you're in because you can't get back past moments , and you can't get future moments . you're stuck with the present moment so regardless of whether it's a long way away or not , there will be a day that i wake up which will be the last day of my life . Time is so quick that that day might come sooner than i think !

3. The likelihood of me actually getting seriously ill at some point during my life is very very high , what am i going to do when that day comes and it's not anxiety ?

Now i know people will say 'well you need to live everyday as if it's your last , you need to live life , none of us know whats going to happen'

etc

i KNOW those are the thoughts i SHOULD be thinking , but the fear of death and illness absolutely cripples me to the point where i don't want to move , i just want to stay in bed crying!

every twinge , every ache , every sense i get in my body sends me into anxiety mode and i'm constantly looking for assurance from those around me which makes it almost impossible for me to be independent! I'm going to be 21 in less than a week and my ambitions were so great but i haven't been able to do anything i want to do out of fear .

Part of me doesn't want to 'fly the nest' because i know in my heart that one day i will loose everyone i love , so i want to grab onto them while i still have them - i know this is wrong as everyone needs to branch out to live their own life but i just don't feel strong enough in myself to let go .

everyday i wake up , at least once , i think i'm going to die . even writing 'die' or 'death' triggers a pain inside me , a feeling of unreality and 'what is all this'

i can't help but feel my life is meaningless , what is the point in anything if we all just have to die at the end of it and loose everything we've worked hard for and all the people we have loved , if all those memories were to just become non-existent.

Why do we have to get sick? why do we even have death?

I just don't understand anymore and the counseling isn't doing anything for me whatsoever.

[trish1955]

sorry to see your in so much missery i no how your feeling well kind of mine started at the age of 12yrs old and your right it it cripplingi was afarid to leave my mum and dads side i would cry if they had to go out it got to point were i would wake up haveing full blown panic attacks evrydaybk in 60s it was unheard of so we nothing of what was wrong with me i had medicals and physicaly there was nothing wrong but if they looked into my head it was all there my mum made me go bk to school i had about 2months off i would be anxiuose all day dont even no how i did it and way afew more years went by i would ave good and bad days but got through left school the thought of death was never far from my mind or the fear of it happeningthere as been parts of my life were its lifted i married had 6 lovely kids now all grown upbut i have not lived a normal life the fear of death as allways been there to the point it would take over my life and some times i would be house bound from it i am now 54 and at the moment haveing a real hard time with my fears anxietys and bk to being agraphobicbut you are getting help now at the start i got no help till i was 40is when they started to look into help for me oh i did once see a phycitrist he was nutty than i was my partner was away for a few months and i was tell ing how afraid i was at being on my own with my three young daughters he just said the 2nd visit you will be ok when your partner come home but did he not see i wanted to cope on my own and not need some one by 24/7wich at the moment is still very much my case right now i am awaiting cbt i ave had this before it was just beging to take effect wen mu counslor left and i had a bad experience bk in 2005 this was had nothing since but you are young and you are getting help you will recover sorry i ave no quick fix answers i wish i had but hang in there lv trish

[cattia]

I can totally relate to everything you have written. This is the kind of thnking that I think we all go through, and it is so hard, but you are someone who has a great life to live and you have to find a way to live it. What kind of therpay are you having? Have you had CBT at all? If you are really low and stuck in a rut, sometimes medication can help to break you out of the cycle as well. I am 33 now, and I have had the same issues you are going through for over ten years, but I have had long periods during that time when my anxiety has been alomst gone, and I have lived a normal and healthy life without these obsessive thoughts. Recent changes and stresses have made mine come back bigstyle. I personally believe, that with the kind of anxiety disorders we have, they are always there in the backgroud, but if you find the right coping strategies and treatment, they can go into remission for years, maybe even for good! The better you learn to cope with stress and negative ways of thinking, the longer the remission is and the more control you have over the anxiety when it starts up again. You are young, and you won't feel like this forever. You might have times in your life when it comes back, but you will become more and more able to deal with it. Talk to your Dr again and tell him / her how you are feeling. Don't give up, because you have a life that is worth living!

[calm]

oh above, i know exactly how you are feeling....i was ill four years ago and i dont know what has triggered this bout of panic/anxiety.....i have a thirteen year old daughter and i am so so scared that i will become ill and end up leaving her!.....i am beside myself with worry.
yes it is easy for people to say "live your life as if its your last day"......but when we are in this state of mind....it kind of goes out of the window!
i am having such a torrid day.....have taken my meds but god i dont know.....how do we rationlize these feelings.
it is so good to know that we are not alone xxxxx

[miggymoggy]

Oh my god. I soooo know how you are feeling. I think all of us on here feel very similar.

I really believe that when someone close dies, especially if unexpected, it gives us a shock look at our own mortality. When my Nan died 25 years ago, for a year afterwards I was convinced I was dying.

My mum died last year (a year ago tomorrow) and since then I've been to the doctors with heart palpitations (had 24 hour heart monitor - turned out to be nothing), panic attacks, blood in urine I was convinced was bladder cancer (turned out to be bad infection). I've had MRI and CT scans and numerous ultrasounds.

I just about to start a course of hynotherapy. I worked for me when I had OCD. I overcame that completely, so I'm hoping it will do the same for my HA.

Have you tried hynotherapy?

[lindajane1971]

Over my life ive felt a few ectopic beats and ignored them and it never bothered me at all...................2 years ago my mum died suddenly and without warning at the age of 54. Since then i have been plagued by ectopics, felt dizzy almost constantly and have had so many other problems i wont even start to list them now.

I know exactly how you feel, not one day passes where i dont think i may not see the next day, people tell me im a hypocondriac and i get the eye rolling and "here she goes again" but hey just dont understand how distressing it is to have these thoughts every single day.
Its affected me so much that i dont have long baths or showers as i dont want to be found naked, i dont drive much now as im scared something will happen when im on the road, i dont like going to the shops on my own again incase something happens in public. I look at my kids (well teenagers) and my heart breaks as i dont want to leave them and let them feel pain like i did when mum died.
Im also trying to convince my husband that i dont want to go on holiday as im sure something will happen to me.
I was convinced the other night that the bruise on my leg was something much more serious and it was going to kill me
Im even scared to write the word die into a post or say it out loud as i fear im tempting fate.

Now i KNOW logically that its anxiety from my mums deaths, but at the same time the other part of my brain is pushing me into anxiety zone every day with this and no matter how hard i try i just cant stop these thoughts.
I just feel that as each day passes im just getting closer to the day when im told i have something or something happens.

I wish i could turn the clock back so much