Panic over doctor and therapist...

[Hannahlou84]

OK, so they aren't strictly related.

I can't calm down. I've doubled my dose of valium, and listened to my relaxation CD and tried to get my breathing sorted but am getting nowhere. I can't stop shaking and crying.

The first reason is because my therapist promised she would email yesterday and didn't. I usually get upset when she doesn't email, but she never normally promises, so I was completely gutted, and keep crying about that. I emailed her and said how I feel about it, which has made me feel even worse, especially as I haven't had a response yet. Realistically I know she is busy etc, but I can't rely on anyone else at the moment and need some input, all I want from her is a bit of reassurance...

The bigger reason is I have been trying to get an appointment with my doctor back home for over a week. I'd normally be OK with waiting, and even went to see the doctor here about my wrist pain, but the doctor at home treated it before and she has my notes and knows me, and the ones here don't- so I can't do anything about it except wait and it's getting worse. That and I also wanted to discuss the eating issues with her for the same reason. I phoned the surgery again today, as was told to wait til Friday to see if her appointments were unblocked or not, and the receptionist was really rude as she said there weren't any, and I asked if the situation was like to change ie. she gets better. Ended up crying before I even hung up. :(

I know this seems like nothing. But I am so upset.

"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"

[andrew]

hi hannah

you do seem very depressed and anxious - hug for you.

if your doctor is off work sick theres not much you can do about that, other than to take a risk and talk to whatever doctor is available.

its hard relying on somebody that isnt reliable, dont turn it back on yourself. try and widen your circle of support, it will help calm your general anxiety and not leave you so vunerable to other ppls actions.

hope your feeling better, you take care .. andrew

[Hannahlou84]

Hi Andrew,

Thanks for the hug (and the response).

The problem I have is that all my notes from the last three years are in one place (Uni), and all the ones prior to that are still at home... This should cause complications anyway, but is helped by the fact the doctor I used to see at home is the one I see everytime (when I go back over the summer etc), so even though there are no official notes stored there she knows my history- which is why I feel safe with seeing her.

This problem is kind of answerless really. I'm just feeling rubbish about it, and am praying she will be in and I can phone up Tuesday and get an appointment for Thursday (I don't know if that's realistic).

I am still waiting for my therapist to email back, and I keep panicking every time I think about it, but am checking my phone for email alerts constantly. I hope she gets back to me soon. I don't know how I am going to get through a whole weekend like this without dosing myself up on valium (which I can't find most of) until Monday- which is going to be difficult anyway. I am tempted to just go home now... :( I want a hug.

"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"

[Karen]

Hi Hannah

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low and it is understandable in the circumstances.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">The first reason is because my therapist promised she would email yesterday and didn't. I usually get upset when she doesn't email, but she never normally promises, so I was completely gutted, and keep crying about that. I emailed her and said how I feel about it, which has made me feel even worse, especially as I haven't had a response yet. Realistically I know she is busy etc, but I can't rely on anyone else at the moment and need some input, all I want from her is a bit of reassurance...</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

There is nothing wrong with emailing again. I do understand why you feel upset after she promised to be in contact with you and then didn't meet that promise, particularly when she knows about your attachment issues with her. Of course, there could be any number of reasons why she hasn't. She could be ill, for example, but I realise this doesn't help the way you feel.

I hope she gets in touch with you soon.

Hannah, it is such a positive step that you want to see your doctor at home about the eating issues, as well as about your wrist. I really hope you are able to get an appointment with her next week. Once an eating disorder starts it is incredibly difficult to recover without some formal help and I hope your doctor can do something to assist you with this.

I am experiencing a lot of wrist pain again at present, so I sympathise with you there. This is something I am seeing my doctor about next week, although the reality is that I've had all the treatment available in the past and have been told it is a chronic problem that will be with me for life. I do need some new wrist supports though.

You can get through the weekend Hannah. I really wouldn't advise taking extra Valium, even though I can understand your reasons for wanting to do this. What else could you do instead? Could you plan some activities with your friends? How is uni study going?

Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[Hannahlou84]

Thank you, Karen.

I'm just scared that if my doctor isn't in before next Friday then I won't get to see her at all until the Easter holidays, and I am not sure I can hold out that long, not really. I'm quite scared at the moment. The doctor here knows because of the fainting problems, but didn't seem too bothered with it....

I'll try not to feel too bad about El, but can't help it. I just need something right now, and none of my usual support is around either. I hope El isn't ill, has been busy and hope to God she isn't away this weekend, because I told myself this morning I wouldn't get dressed until I'd heard from her. [:I] I was going to stay in bed too, but resisted that.

My left wrist pain has gotten so bad that I feel faint when I lean on things or pick things up. Not that the doctor seemed bothered about that he told me just not to use it!! Yeah....

Uni isn't going too well, and am now worried I can't face Monday. R is supposed to be involved in the poetry seminar, and the media lecture is on Toys and Transformers, something that doesn't interest me, and I'd panic because of the lack of interest and therefore focus.

I have been positive since last Thursday really, and was fine until Monday night, recovered a bit on Tuesday- and then a heap of things happened to make me realise that none of this is really worth it- spent all Tuesday night and most of Wednesday knocked out by the valium- felt rough, but I just think I need to do it now to calm down. I'm panicking whatever I'm doing. I'd try phoning El, but I'd just cry.



"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"

[Hannahlou84]

Sorry, missed the main bit. Two of my housemates are out all weekend and the other has her boyfriend here, and whilst they try to include me, they don't see each other much and I feel like I am taking away their time. I'm a little scared of how I'm going to handle it. I don't really have one else. And my parents are off on hols very early Sunday morning too.

"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"

[Hannahlou84]

I got an email from my therapist (eventually) I emailed and told her how upset I was, but she seemed to gloss over that quite drastically.

I emailed again, and explained the state I've been in, but as yet no response (I know she is busy and doesn't spend all day on the computer though, so logically it's OK). I keep panicking and am really scared she'll say she can't see me anymore. I think I'll die if I can't see her. I've had some bad news today, and need her more than ever, but feel I can't email her again and elaborate because she'll feel bombarded. :(

"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"

[Karen]

Hi Hannah

Glad you heard from El eventually. I think she is being cautious with the way she responds as she doesn't want to encourage your attachment. I can empathise with how difficult this is to cope with though because I've felt the same way myself in the past.

Well done for rationalising your thoughts about her not replying to your latest email. It is the weekend and perhaps she has not been online at all and has been busy doing other things.

I doubt she will 'feel bombarded'. She is a therapist and from what you've told me is fully aware of the situation and quite able to handle it. This is the difference when the person you are attached to is a therapist, rather than some of the other people from the past. What you are doing and feeling is only affecting you and she is very able to take care of herself.

If you need to tell her something that badly then do email. She is there to help and has said you can email her. If she doesn't have the time to reply then she is able to make this decision for herself.

Sorry about the bad news.

Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[Hannahlou84]

Hi Karen,

Thanks for the advice...

I can't email El again, because then she will ignore the previous email, (and I really need a response to that, I'm trying to get her to understand something).

I can't focus at all at the moment. Everytime I stop doing something for a split second I start struggling for breath and get dizzy- but by keeping busy I'm not getting anything done.

I feel so awful- can't breathe, can't sleep and am struggling to eat. Just want to go home now. Have had enough.

Don't know how to make it stop, I just want it to end, and I don't have enough medication to even give me an hour's peace (well, not that I can find anyway.)

I'm scared one of my closest friends is going to die and there is nothing I can do. I will die without her.

"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"

[india]

Hi there, sorry your having a rough time of it. Remember you have felt well before and you WILL again. Don't forget everyone on here is here to help, and although we're not therapists we can all support each other at these difficult times. Last week i felt like i was at the end of my tether, crying shaking constant panics, but i have tried to talk rationally to myself and REALLY try to think positively, negative thoughts are a real destroyer. You will pull through this , do try to remember that. I am much better this week, but last sunday i was convinced i was on my way to a nervous breakdown, this sunday been shopping and everything!

Big Hug to you India xxx