My health anxiety has returned

[fuzzyvalefan]

Hi all

I'm new to this place. I have read the forum in the past but never posted but i thought i would this time. I just want to get my thoughts and experiences out there and see if anyone has any advice or can sympathise with me.

I have always worried more than most if i ever found anything on my body that i wasn't sure about but in 2007 it became more frequent until a point where i ended up visiting the doctors three times in a week- getting them to check about 7/8 things over those appointments. It was then when i was diagnosed with health anxiety. I was put on 20mgs of escitalopram and i started CBT. Over time it worked and i was health anxiety free for the best part of 2 years. During that time i had a wonderul GP who was very patient and a great therapist, not to mention a long-suffering but wonderfully supportive and loving girlfriend. About 6 weeks ago i was picking my nose as you do from time to time and i noticed a bony ridge in my nose- something i'm fairly certain has always been like that. All of a sudden- bang, the horrible feelings and thoughts i thought i had banished for ever all came flooding back. The worry steadily got worse and within a week i started worrying about all sorts of things. By this point my medication has been gradually lowered to 5mg (i was considering coming them altogether as i felt really good) and my therapy had ended.

Having already suffered with this horrible mental illness in the past i knew straight away what it was. The realisation that it was back in my life was one of the worst feelings imaginable. I had already battled and beaten this condition and all of a sudden, out of nowhere it was back. In the weeks since then i have been in a constant state of worry about my health. I have worried about lumps and ridges in my nose, mouth, legs, neck and testicles. I have been looked at by doctors on 4 occasions, of course nothing was wrong on any of them.

Since the last bout, i have moved GPs but never used the new one. I went to my new GP about my problems and he was absolutely horrible to me. I was made to feel like a time waster, an idiot, a freak and a drama queen. His advice for my health anxiety was 'when you feel anxious just go for a run' while he also said i 'need to get a grip' and that i would end up ruining my life if i continued. His exact comment was that i would 'end up like a Michael Jackson figure, walking around in public wearing a mask, thinking i was allergic to water.' Needless to say that this experience was a huge dent to my morale. I came out of his office and burst into tears as i had never been made to feel so small or so pathetic in all my life. I went in looking for a bit of help and support and found none. Luckily there are 4 other GPs at the practice so i simply will avoid him in the future. I did manage to get the doctor to return my escitalopram to its original 20mg dose but he said the waiting list for CBT was very long so i have started it privately and have currently had one session with the second this Thursday.

My head has been all over the place since the health anxiety returned. Like i said, i have worried about lots of different things but it is always focussed on cancer and it is also purely physical things (lumps, bumps, blemishes) rather than symptons such as aches and pains. Currently, it is a little bit of lumpy tissue in my mouth. It is not visible, only palpable and i think its always been there but my mind keeps telling me that it seems a little bigger than before. Prodding and poking it has left it a little swollen of course so that clouds my judgement further. When i asked my girlfriend to see if she could feel it, she said she couldn't feel anything so i really dont think it can be too major. My mouth was also checked by a doctor just 2 weeks ago. While deep down i am reasonably confident that i dont have cancer and all the logic points to that conclusion, there are these horrible little nagging thoughts that say 'what if it is?' Usually this can be contained as worry that while it is always present, i can usually stay calm but occasionally it descends into full blown panic attacks.

Generally at home i can relax more but i find it really tough going at work. I work for a very small company and i often spend lots of time on my own, which doesn't help, at a computer which also doesn't help. Even though i know it never helps and only hinders, sometimes the temptation to Google my lumps and bumps is too much. Of course, the diagnosis is usually CANCER CANCER CANCER and that makes me feel worse. While I have massively reduced by active checking (ie- feeling around various areas for lumps/bumps) i am still finding things by accident and worrying about them. Something else which annoys me is that if i decided to get something checked my a doctor, you can guarantee that within a few hours something else will take its place- its almost like my mind has to have something to worry about and isn't satisfied until its found something. I am worried virtually all of the time, panicky for little bits of it, angry and frustrated at times and just downright depressed at others.

I am doing the only thing i can do with this. I've increased my medication up to the maximum does, i've restarted the therapy and i'm trying to get on with my life as normal. That was what beat it before and of course i know that i can beat it, because i have already done it in the past. I am really struggling at times and feel very low sometimes too. If anyone has any tips with coping with the health anxiety, the worries, the panic attacks or any other useful advice i would be very greatful.

I also feel guilty at times as in theory i have a great life, i am 23, have a good degree, a decent job, a loving and supportive family, a magnificent girlfriend (who i live with and love more than anything). I am also planning to propose to my girlfriend next month, something i planned before the health anxiety started up again. She knows that i am going to propose but i am terrified that i will ruin it because of my condition and my state of mind at the moment. She has said that i dont need to put any pressure on myself and however i feel when the time comes, we will just make the most of it. I find it difficult though because i feel like i put an awful lot of pressure on her and an awful lot of strain on the relationship. She is, however, very understanding and loving and does whatever she can to help. I just hope i can repay the favour by getting better as soon as possible and being good company for her again .



Dave

[PokerFace]

Welcome to NMP and I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time of it at the moment. Amazing how quick we forget how bad Health Anxiety can make us feel isn't it? Don't be disheartend by what the new GP said to you, sounds like he was using the "cruel to be kind" method, people have tried to use it on me but more often than not ends up making us feel worse, especially if it was your own doctor. You're making a step in the right direction by accepting the anxietys returned and getting it sorted rather than convincing yourself 100% you're going to die. Easier said than done as I'm still struggling to accept that fact myself and it's been over 6 months, so really WELL DONE for that.

Instead of looking at the downsides for a moment lets focus on the good. You make it into work everyday leading a normal life, a lot of people don't myself included. You're seeking the help you need and you're activley trying to get better for the ones you love. Sounds to me like you're loads stronger than you think! You've got wonderful support in your girlfriend and family they beleive you can do this, all of us on here beleive you can do this and I really hope YOU beleive you can do this.

Coping with Health Anxiety..hmm..I've only been a sufferer for 6 months but I do have some coping methods. Some I KNOW I should be doing but I don't because the anxiety gets the better of me. You need to live your life as normal as possible which it sounds like you're doing. Don't avoid places, don't cancel plans, don't tell yourself you can't go somewhere incase you die because all of that as you probably know feeds you're anxiety. Exercise really does help. Maybe running isn't suited for you, it isn't for me cuz I'm scared of my own heart so I can't push it up that high or I get panicky. I use the Wii fit, it's fun and distracting and I don't even realise I'm exercising and pushing my heart rate up til I sit down to rest!

I know your mind is probably screaming at you every second of every day that there's something fatally wrong with you but you have to try your best to ignore it. Distract yourself or remind yourself of how the Doctor has said your fine and try not give it a seconds thought after that. PLEASE stop Googling! I'm begging you!! Googling will NEVER help you, it won't reassure you, it won't make you feel better it will just give you something new to worry about. The more you know about diseases, the more it dwells in your subconcious so anxiety can start to mimic the symptoms and off you go in the little circle again!

Sorry for the long post and I don't know if any of it will be useful to you but you've come to the right place. Everyones very supportive and they have loads of advice to give. I'm sure you'll be feeling back to normal in no time! xx

[fuzzyvalefan]

Thanks for your reply. I do feel pretty weak and helpless at the moment but what you said about me managing to get into work every day has made me feel that i'm actually stronger than i'm giving myself credit for.

I am definately going to make a conscious effort not to google because it has never helped once, only made things work. It doesn't answer any questions, just creates more.

Thanks for the tips. I am trying to live life as normal as possible. Distraction is the best way to feel better i find because if you actively try and fight it, it will probably get worse whereas if you concentrate on something else it gets shunted towards the back of your mind a little more. I am trying to keep up with my exercise- playing football every week still and playing badminton from time to time.