POCD

[opiateyes]

Well I have had pocd for around 4 nearly 5 years. It has got alot better lately though. I am going to vist my family soon and i am very nervous because my couisn who is five will be there.

Anyone got any tips on how to stay calm if i start panicking? usually when i start getting ocd thoughts i get so anxious i just want out the situation as fast as possible, but that's not really an option.

[ems43]

are you having cbt? when i had these thoughts my therapist recommened staying in the situation and make yourself be as close as you can to the child to try and prove to yourself that this is just an OCD thought and nothing else. not easy to do i know and took a lot of encouragement/ support from her to make me do it! but i did do it eventually ( for example, as behavioural experiments she would make me babysit for children alone which terrified the crap out of me, whilst repeating yes... i am a paedophille ( exposure). It was bloody hard work but I did come out the other side and no longer have these thoughts good luck. Have you looked on stuck on a doorway website, lots of people on there with these kind of thoughts and may be able to offer other advice xx

[opiateyes]

hey thanks for replying. I have not yet had CBT i'm still on the waiting list. I have tried exposure things that i have heard of, and it seemed to just make it alot worse :(

I started feeling like i got "feelings" and it just made me want to kill myself. how do you cope when it feels so real?

[ems43]

yer, i would agree iw ould have found it impossible to do exposure without the support of the cbt therapist ( even with to start with!). Because your anxiety rises when you are in the situation it will feel very real, feel you are only seconds away from carryihg out some disgusting act. This is all just your anxiety and your mind playing tricks on you. I think one of the key things i learnt from cbt was that feelings aren't facts.. but we don't know that till we test it out. It was bloody hard, and I remember thinking that if i am paedaphille i will kill myself. But doesn't that alone show you somehting? do you think a paedophillle would cotemplate suicide because he was afraid would act? thoughts cannot make things happen- and thats the key thing in ocd/ gad intrusive thougts... we believe that our thoughts somehow can cause events/ cause us to do things or reflect the kind of person we are. In fact, they are just nonsensical thoguhts that probably go through most peoples mind, however us who are sensitive, caring get so affected by them. It is usually people who are the kindest, especially people who care greatly about young children ( eg, primary school teachers, mums) that have these thoughts. Doesn't that say a lot! Do you know how long you will have to wait to have CBT? There is a book called overcomign OCD that you can get from amazon written by David Clark that specifically looks at POCD fears, I woul really have a read if you haven't already. xx
something that may help before you see your cbt therapist is when the thoughts do crop up when you are around your couisin, to remind youself " this is not me, this is the ocd" and trying to imagine the thoughts drifting past you without engagin gwith them or trying to argue againgst them/ rationalise them. In that way, you are beginning to take control adn see them as " just thoughts" xx

[opiateyes]

hey, i know what you mean. I punish myself just for having the thoughts because they are so real i tell myself i have already done something bad, and already hurt children due to my thougths. I also feel people can read my mind and see my thoughts. Is that part of ocd? or am i just going more crazy? :/

I have waited a while for the cbt people to get back to me, i think i will give them a call soon though and chase them up.

I do care about children alot, and i think that is probably why my ocd focuses on that. My mum was a childminder and i loved helping to look after the children. I want to beable to hug my cousin and just be relaxed around her.

because i care about children alot sometimes that makes my OCD spike because i think to myself "why do i even like children so much, i don't even have kids" and i think that is weird. But people have told me it's normal, especially for females to have an parental feeling towards any child.

My OCD is conflicting because i really want children of my own one day but at the same time the thought is really scary for me.

[ems43]

yes I would def chase up the cbt, it was very helpful to me. i also felt guilty and thought people could read my minds, i remember one day when i was in placement in a nursery ( very good exposure!) and thinking people knew what intrusive thoughts i was having and that made me feel sick/ guilty. I also used to question- why do i like being around children? have i always been perverte?.... this is all part of the intrusive thoughts and anxiety. x

[opiateyes]

thanks for sharing your story ems it has helped me feel not as alone