Crisis sorry

[Karen]

I feel like I am back in an anorexic crisis today. The anorexic thoughts have taken over completely. I have been in bed all day because I am too scared to get up in case I eat and don't stop.

I've been fasting today and am in turmoil. I want to eat and I am now very hungry, but I can't eat. The anorexia won't let me because it says the only way I can feel better about myself is to lose weight and that means starving myself.

Feel such a failure. I'm failing by not keeping my progress going but I also feel such a failure for having gained so much weight in the first place.

It's like there is no escape from this eating disorder. I can't imagine ever feeling remotely comfortable at being a 'normal' weight, when to me this feels like I am very overweight. I can't imagine ever being able to eat without all the feelings of guilt, shame and disgust towards myself.

Thank you everyone who has been supporting me. I do appreciate it. I still feel so alone right now though and wish I had someone I could turn to who could actually be with me.

I'm scared I am slipping right back in to the grip of full anorexia again.


Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[kirgray]

Hi Karen

So sorry you are not feeling to good hun, I think the thing is we are on a constant roller coaster with our feelings one minute you are up the next you feel back at square one-try and keep positive hun and I understand the lonliness feeling, Im not the best at talking about my feelings, I let them build up until I feel like bursting-but believe me if you do spk to someone close it can take a weight off your shoulders.

Take care Hun

Kirst X X X

[kate]

Karen,

I suspect that the feelings are with you today as you are very anxious about tomorrow and, in order to deal with the anxiety, you feel that you need to be in control of something. In your case, this is your intake of food.

Read back over all the successes that you have had lately and hopefully this should make you realise that today is just a tiny little setback.

After you have dealt with tomorrow I'm sure you will be feeling more in control.

Kate

"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"

[Quirky]

Hi Karen,

I can't say anything more to help than I said earlier sadly but I'm still thinking of you sis. I really think getting tomorrow out of the way wil help alot.
This is a blip and will pass again. Blips happen to us all as we recover, it's just that after a few good weeks we forget how hard they can be.
Hang in there, we're all here for you.
I so wished I lived nearer, would happily keep you company, do shopping for you or whatever then.

Love and big hugs,

Lisa x

[Karen]

Thank you all for your replies. Sorry I had to vent here but I am going crazy here on my own with it all going round in my head. I have been so much better at eating regularly recently, but today I don't trust myself to eat anything.

I feel despair at looking at the food and knowing I can't actually eat it, which is where I was a few months ago. And yet it also feels good in a way because I still cannot help thinking resisting food is good and that I'll feel good about myself if I stop eating.

Kirst: Thanks for your kind thoughts. I don't have anyone here to talk to unfortunately.

Kate: You are probably right that this is happening because it is my eay of coping with the anxiety about tomorrow. My thoughts are so focused on food, or on the fact that I mustn't be weak and give in and eat that I guess it is deflecting my worries about tomorrow.

Lisa: Thanks sis. I know I've been over all of this on my other thread. I'm just finding it so hard here alone and I'm ashamed that I am feeling so bad that I feel it is another crisis.

I wish we lived closer too. It would be lovely to meet you.

Oh well, no chance of buying any food now I guess but I am still in a state about what food I have here. I'm starting to think I have to get rid of it all and 'spoil' the food in my usual way be covering it in bleach to make it inedible.

I hope this is just a temporary blip.



Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[clickaway]

Aww Karen,

I am sure this is a temporary blip. I've never seen you suggest that in your other moments of crisis, so that says something for how you have developed your thinking which even now is more positive than those other dark days.

You know you now have help from the clinic and feel that you are strong enough to tell the people there exactly how you feel. Try not to clam up tomorrow, but I know you might not be able to help that.

I don't think you'll fail this time - you have too many mates around here and you are such a strong woman.

Take Care, and will be thinking of you tomorrow.



Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

[Karen]

Thank you Ray.

I think I have come too far now to slip right back into the anorexic pattern but there are times I edge dangerously close and today is one of those days.

Although I am not able to see it as a positive today, I am no longer able to starve myself for days on end because the staff at the clinic wouldn't let me get away with not eating anything. Right now my anorexic thoughts are trying to find a way of worming out of that but I also know it isn't good for my health.

One day of falling back into a state of starving myself isn't going to harm me at the stage I'm at now. In fact, in some ways I do feel happiest when I am empty from not eating like I am today. I didn't intend to fast today but as the day has passed and I haven't eaten I now feel the need to prove to myself that I can still do it, when my eating has been out of control since I started at the clinic.

I do fear that I will clam up in the meeting tomorrow but I have done as much preparation as I can. I've prepared notes to take with me and I have also emailed these to the relevant people today. Hopefully there won't be too much explanation needed from me with what I've already written down.

It's going to be hard to relax about anything tomorrow though with this hanging over me all day. Just want it over and done with.

Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[Quirky]

Hi Karen,

Still thinking of you sis, this is not a crisis just a nasty blip.

Lisa x

[jackie]

karen i know you have your close mates on this site who are with you through and through. but i hope you dont mind an added pointof view. i too have been where you are. i never thought one day i would feel comfortable being a normal weight. but 4 years on i am, and when people ask me would i ever go back i say no way. my wee body wouldnt take it anymore. you will one day see the back of this horrible thing that has such a hold on you. you must kkeep telling yourself that deep down you want to be better, but that nothing happens overnight

karen i have been eating normally for 4 years and i am still a bit under weight. it really doest pile on you as easily as you think it will i promise. at the beginning i ate but i was very strict with my self. but now i have slowly introduced chocolate etc and i try not to feel guilty about it because it is nice and surely after years of battering i deserve treatas

just tell yourself one day karen and slowly build towords that

you need to be kinder to yourslef mate

noe day. take your time
jackie

[Karen]

Thanks Lisa.

Jackie: Of course I don't mind you giving another point of view and it does help to give hope to know someone has come through this.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">karen i have been eating normally for 4 years and i am still a bit under weight. it really doest pile on you as easily as you think it will i promise.<div align="right">Originally posted by jackie - 12 March 2006 : 20:31:07</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

The problem is that I have gone from being very underweight (according to everyone else) to being easily within the normal weight range within the space of about 3 months and I can't handle it.

Everyone kept telling me it would take months for the weight to go on but then I started losing all control and bingeing and have gained weight very quickly. Now I feel panicked and want to lose it again.

I think the anxiety about tomorrow has just brought all of this to a head but I have been struggling increasingly since I started at the clinic. There are too many reminders of how I used to be and that makes me feel so fat and like a failure.

I hide in baggy clothes because I can't stand the sight of myself and I want to be invisible because I don't want to be seen by anyone. I feel I am too fat to be receiving treatment in an EDU clinic. I wish I could feel better about these changes that have taken place but I don't.

Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey