Well no news on my knee until tomorrow couldnt get an app' for that till tomorrow and no news on new meds until monday no app' for that till monday but cant start new meds till tuesday so no real loss.
Had an app' with a gateway worker (mental health nurse) hr app' she asked questions i was honest in answers she took notes then i asked her if she knew about derealisation to which the answer was yes (great relief) I explained about NMP and that i use it as my main data resource and she said that yes rerealisation is symptom of acute anxiety, bascially a self protection system i had built inside myself since childhood to protect myself.
I asked what could be done to cure me - answer - a long difficult process but it can be done if i am willing to fully commit to it (1st lesson i learnt today - i can never be cured - i can be as normal as the next person - but there aint no cure for life - my words)
As it took an admission to hospital for treatment for alcohol withdrawl (due to one too many bender for me trying to calm myself down) she used alcohol as an example.
She did this in the form of a graph showing a natural rise in anxiety due to a stressful event and the peak of the anxiety as the stress is solved and then a natural fall in anxiety after resolution of the stressor. She then drew a line in the anxiety rise and marked alcohol - this has been the point at which i was messing up - i should have allowed the anxiety to rise to the point at which I solved the problem then the anxiety falls naturally away and its a completely natural process - but i was never hitting that high anxiety level as i was sedating myself before then with alcohol so i was not going thru the full process and over time my ability to deal with anxiety has fallen and i have become weaker and less able to deal with stress.
Which all makes perfect sense - so the solution is to develop coping mechanisms that do not include alcohol and to solve the problem myself thereby developing my personal inner strength.
So that concludes the question over whether i am alcoholic, i am not, i can drink socially but i am slitting my own throat if i drink to cope with stress.
I am sure in me it goes very deeper than this - i have always found a very strong collation btw smoking and how i deal with stress - this for me has always been that when i try to stop smoking i use problems as a diversion from thinking about smoking eg: my car breaks down and i need to call the AA 1) think NOOOOOOOO NOT AGAIN SMOKE 2) think well it will take the AA an hr to get here and fix it so thats another hr under my belt not smoking - resolution - my car breaking down is a positive. And that goes for every stress from making a cup of tea to a broken down car. Now with me smoking is very much a diversionary tactic against stress, every little thing that i need to do or that goes wrong i want to light a cig - so i can see it for what it is now - that kick that little buzz as the pulse increases and the bp rises - i am addicted to physcological kick of cigs to divert me away from my stressor (big or small) which then kicks off a chain reaction of cigs caffeine alcohol sleep wake cigs caffeine and so forth............................. always looking for a diversory buzz to dealing with something i dont like be it what it may.
And why did it used to make me feel so good to not smoke ? well cos i was active, i was running off adrenalin, i was doing positive things that were positively improving my physical health and my actual life and i felt good about myself (why didnt i keep it up ? immaturity self pity lack of foresight oh and low self esteem resulting in the gf from hell a bullying family a poor choice in friends and resentment at doing a job i thought i was below me) (but thats all another story and one for my story lol)
So what now ? appointment next a wk on monday for beginning of what i assume will be CBT, I have mild to medium clinical depression so i am gonna have to take an ssri no matter what i think of them (if ur ill one uses anti biotics) i have acute
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