A bit of my story, and a rant!

[dread]

Sooo... hello
It's a bit of a long post but I wanted to rant about my anxiety and I didn't think it would make sense if I didnt give a bit of background!
From 14-16 I suffered with depression, 'mild' self harm and what I think was anxiety- i convinced everyone around me there was something wrong with my chest/heart and all the scans and whatnot because I thought I was dying. Between 17-21 I was relatively fine but always actively worrying and concentrating thoughts on my body, and how I positioned my chest so it was "comfortable", and had difficulty sleeping at night. I also spent a lot of time between 18-22 drinking and smoking weed, which obviously has bad effects.
I got to 22 and soemthing happened... I woke up in the midst of the most epicly horrifying panic attack ive ever had, thinking I was having a heart attack and was dying. This feeling continued for 3 days and I could barely walk, talk or relax. I was administered Citalopram straight off after giving my life history to my Dr. (which I wont go into atm). I have been on 40mg for the last 8/9 months.
I did something really stupid no long ago and forgot to get my new prescription after moving house last month. So i ran out and was without for 2.5 weeks. I started suffering massive bouts of strange things, like objects around me not feeling or looking real, and I was convinced at times it felt like I was part of a movie set, or game and nothing was right. I also at times felt like I wasn't me, like there was two people in my head and I was only partly in control. Im assured these are all common things when you stop taking meds abruptly, especially after reading the Citalopram Survival Guide. I then got these strange visions of suicide. I didn't want to commit suicide, but i felt SO strongly that I wouldnt be able to help it and would do it anyway. I called my mum and she came out to me, but it took me 2 hours to even get the guts to do that, as I thought she would think I was insane. Anyways I'm back on 20mg no, going up in doses again. I couldnt go straight back to 40mg due to the time id been off.
A lot of things I have trouble is with being alone, night times, constantly feeling my chest and pulse, and this strange sensation that I can physically feel my heart suspended in my chest, and can feel it moving and constricting, and its bizaare and scary. I ALWAYS have this feeling, im obsessed with my mortality and ways to die (accidents, illness etc), I panic about everything from not having enough bus fare to someone shooting me in a drive by, and it's taking over my entire life. And now added to all the other symptoms Im convinced that if I lose control of myself for one minute I'm gonna do something stupid to myself...
It's actually taken an entire 13 months for my doctor to send me to a counscillor or even 'asses' me through those questionnaire things they make you do. I went to see a psychiatrist last year, referred through a job centre, for 3 sessions but he was retiring and told my doctor I was fine... whut now
I totally feel like there's no way I'm ever going to get over this and solve problems that caused it. Im trying to stay positive but it's so hard....especially when the so called "help" i've been given so far has been non-existant. It feels a bit like because I'm only 22, people assume I'm just "young" and don't know what it's like to feel like this...when really I feel like I'm dying everyday!!

[supersezza]

Hi there, just to say you sound like you've been through a lot and you ARE still standing, so well done for that! Sounds like you do need a bit of support though, when was the last time you saw your GP? What did they say about some more support or a referral etc?

Also I also get the young thing a lot...my first time with all this was at about 19-21 and I saw a psychiatrist and he actually said to me 'I just can't understand, you're so young you've got your whole life ahead of you, why r you worried and down?' and i just thought OMG this person will never get me! i still get a bit of that from people too...now i'm 26 and in a bit of a relapse unfortunately....but feelings don't have an age limit do they?! and thoughts don't even, if people dont' understand then stuff em!!

Sarah x

[dread]

Thanks for your reply
I have seen 3 seperate GPs over the last year, at 2 different surgeries. The first one told me I needed a low dosage of meds as a "pick me up" because I seemed intelligent enough to get myself out of this so-called rut.
The second said I needed to get some additional support and referred me to a councillor that had a 6 month waiting list...by which point a woman at the job centre had referred me to a psychiatrist. I saw him 3 times..the first time he told me what anxiety was...the 2nd time he told me what would happen and what my history was and causes of my anxiety. The third time he told me I was fine and would manage, and lo-and-behold he was retiring that day.

I just moved GP's and thankfully the woman I saw is "new" and is doing everything text book so has assessed me and sent me for a more urgent counscillor referral. She's also making me go back to her every fortnight with new assessments to see if I improve or need additional support now that I have the added suicide aspect to my anxiety. I saw her on Monday just gone, and Im due to go back in a weeks time.

On top of that I (ironically) work in a support environment for people with mental health problems, and it is a very high stress job =[