Punishing myself

[Karen]

Tonight has descended into another and worse crisis, probably the worst I've had for a while.

I really thought I had been doing well at trying to control and limit my obsessive behaviour with K but I have read several things tonight - most written by other people and not K - but now I feel like these people think it is a laugh and a joke. Either that or they think I am some crazy stalker, like from the film Fatal Attraction. There were comments that amounted to comparing me to being a 'bunny boiler' - not by K.

Now I feel hurt because this particular site now know so much private information about my attachment to K and things I wouldn't have chosen to disclose and because it has been treated like a joke.

I am like some crazy stalker who deserves to be laughed at and made a joke of. I deserve to be treated badly, which I am doing to myself in a worse way than I have in several weeks.

Right now I don't think I deserve even to live but I can't hurt anyone else by doing anything like that to myself so I have to harm myself in more subtle ways. I have binged and taken quite a few laxatives, the most I've taken in weeks. And now I don't want to eat. I want to lose weight and be anorexic again because I was successful at that for a while and it is what I deserve and the only way to feel better about myself.

My parents were right when they said I'm bad and worthless. They were right to tell me I should never have been born.

Karen

[Alexandra]

Hi Karen

Hunny your not worthless & bad, your a truly lovely person that has made me for one so very welcome on the forum with your kindness & support, i just cannot believe anyone would say bad things about you because its just not true oh im so angry that your upset i can hardly type.

MASSIVE HUGS (((((KAREN))))

Karen hun never forget along with Lisa, Fee, Piglet & Lucy. (& anyone else who leaves messages for you) We are all here to support you ALWAYS okay.

You deserve the best Karen, you have been through so much & we all want that for you.

YOU are NOT alone hunny.

Im gonna send you a pm.

((((KAREN))))

Thinking of you

Take Care

Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart

[trac67]

Hi Karen,

Hun, you don't deserve to be treated badly, and no way are you worthless or a bad person, I am talking from experience here as I spent a day with you in London, you are a kind, caring, considerate person, who I found so easy to chat with, so please never put yourself down.

Everyone on here values your opinions Karen and we care a great deal about you, if people on your other site are laughing at you, then they are not worth a second thought.

Stay strong Karen, and try not to let these comments get you down.

Lots of Love

Trac xx



'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'

[Piglet]

I can only suggest you surround yourself with people in life who lift you and minimise contact with people who deflate the spirit.

I think you should tell them how they have made you feel and give them a chance to explain or put it right and if this doesn't happen to make you feel better again then I would think twice about going back.

Love Piglet xxxxx


"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[tara]

oh karen, thats awful, there are some cruel people in this world, but remember we are not all like that !!!! You have 2 choices (well i'd give myself 2 choices) either ignore it all and rise above it....or challenge their stupid opinions in the wonderful way you can...which ever will give you the most relief !!!! Let us know how your going today hunny !!! Tara x

[Karen]

Hi everyone and thank you for your lovely messages of support.

I don't feel any better about this today because I find it difficult to understand why people think the problems I have are funny, or that I am a dangerous, crazed stalker. This wasn't on the other forum I have been a member of for some time. It was a site where K visits and has been part of my safety net of knowing she is ok by seeing her post there. I've never posted anything and just like to read some of the posts.

Alex: Thanks for your really kind reply. You've been very supportive of me too in the short time you have been here. I really appreciate what you've said.

Trac: I enjoyed meeting and chatting to you when we met and thank you for what you've said.

These are people I don't know and they've now blocked access to me on that club. The damage is done though because I've seen what was written and now I feel completely worthless.

Piglet: They've blocked me and so I can't give my opinion and I don't want to cause any problems for K or embarrass her in any way. I rarely go there, except once or twice a day just to see if K has been around. I've cut back on doing that significantly.

I feel so upset that anyone woud think I'm dangerous or that it is funny that I have these problems.

Tara: Thanks for your support. I don't know what to do next to be honest. K didn't say these things but now I feel like I should leave her alone in case I am hurting her.

The worst thing is that it is true - I am obsessive. K sent me a message this morning that didn't show up in my inbox for some reason, so now I don't even know what she said and I'm further upset about that.

Having a really tough day and feel like I'm going to cry again. Sorry. Just feel so bad about myself and that I don't deserve to even be here :(:(:(.

Karen xx

[Karen]

If I've hurt K or caused her to feel unconfortable by encroaching on her personal space then I am bad for doing that and I've asked her if she wants me to stay away.

Sorry not making much sense her due to medication I've taken to get through the day. I'm can't stop crying because I've ruined everything by going too far. I should leave her alone.

Karen

[Quirky]

Hi Karen,

Aww big (((hugs))) mate. I got so angry when I read your post - how dare those people say that about you, they are [}]!!!

There is however no need to take anything they say personally and please don't let then undo all the progress you've made. They are just ignorant narrow minded gossips and their opinions count for nothing. It doesn't matter what they say or think honestly. I know all this is easy to say and anyone would be upset at reading that but they seriously are not worth being upset over.
All that they say is untrue Karen, you are not a stalker or a bunny boiler, yes you have an attachment problem which is very different to stalking etc and you have been making huge progress in that area too.

One thing that confused me though, if you have never posted on this other site how do they know all your personal information about you and K to be able to talk about you?Was it definitely you they were talking about? If you have never posted there, then does that mean that K has told them all this? Sorry but I'm confused on all this.

Anyway Karen just remember that peoples opionions don't really matter, we don't need approval from anyone else, especially people like them. We all love and understand you here and I'm sure they do on your other forum. You are not worthless and your parents were not right at all, please don't start believing this again as you were really getting somewhere with all this. I think you could talk all this over with Becky next week maybe.

I am so cross with these people, they have no idea how much damage their comments could do.

Can you speak to K about this at all? Either way you're best keeping away from that site.

Thinking of you sis and here for you.

Love Lisa x

[Alexandra]

Here Here Lisa.

These people ar'nt worth crying about hun they are just very sad people who obviously have nothing better to do.

Take care hun

Thinking of you

((((HUGS)))

Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart

[Ma Larkin]

Hi Karen, you'll have to excuse me if I sound ignorant, I do read most of the posts, but some have pages & pages so I lose the plot of some of the topics (doesn't take much for me hun!). I don't even know who K is, she is obviously someone very special to you. You said you'd read several things on the site, do you mean this site? Karen, there are so many people on this site who think you are a wonderful person, and no-one thinks this is some kind of joke or that you should be laughed at. Just ignore them hun, you are better off without these people & need to concentrate on the good things that people say about you, which I reckon will far more outweigh any snide comments that are made. No-one should be made to feel like you are feeling at the moment. You can't take back what you have already disclosed, but at least there's a lesson to be learnt here for all of us, to only disclose information to those we trust completely, like lots of your friends on this site. Try not to take it too much to heart, you are a good person & worth so much.

Les, xx