suicide?

[dave11282]

hi all,

I have not written much in this forum. But I am at my wits end.

I had a serious RTA 24 yrs ago at 17 yrs old. I was rehabilitating for 2 yrs. I suffered horrible injuries to my right leg. I knew I had changed. I knew at 20 yrs old I was no longer the same person, physically and mentally. The whole experience tore me away from my family. I went into deep depression and have been there for 20yrs +.

My injuries plague me today at 41 yrs old. Last summer I got drunk and I was suppose to see my mum who was dying from Alzeimers disease . All my pain and emotion came out. I recked my flat & got 2 yrs probation. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD. I kind of knew I had this anyway. I knew I was sensitive to stimulants after my RTA & quick to lose my anger. I have been angry & sad for this world for 20 + yrs. I still have flash backs to my RTA.

I was made to have mental health treatment. Usual CBT, NLP, relaxation techniques. But none of this has truly helped. I cannot tell my mind I 'feel ok' when I still am in chronic pain & anxiety. I dont drink anymore, I realise that this acts as a trigger and is too dangerous for me with all the bad emotion i carry around.

I feel I cannot go on. To see my mum rot away for over 10 yrs has also been a trauma for me. To see her in some god foresaken hell hole of a nursing home, bumping into walls, screaming.

I live by myself. My dad is 120 miles away and at 74 is tired himself. I have a girlfriend but she has 3 kids and has her own responsibilities . I feel so alone...

I am a nats whisker away from taking my own life. I have PTSD, chronic anxiety, chronic pain, hypervigillance , dissociative states
avoiding emotions , extreme vigilance , Low self-esteem
, the list is endless. What is the point of carrying on...

I feel so disenchanted with my life. None of this was meant to be this way..



[V]

[kate]

Hi Dave,

Yes, life can deal you some terrible experiences and many of us have been where you are today, so low that there seems no way up.

But, there is always, always something to carry on living for. You have a dad, even though he is some distance away. Could you go and visit with him for a few days? You have a girlfriend with children. Could you not help her with her responsibilities, get yourself more involved with the children?

I suspect that you have a lot of time on your hands to sit and think about how bad you are feeling. The key to getting yourself out of the deep hole is to occupy yourself for the majority of the day. Not easy at all to do, as I know full well!, but keeping busy really does help.

Glad that you are steering clear of the alcohol, well done!

Are you still under the help of the Mental Health Team? If so, are they aware of how bad you are feeling? Have you seen your GP recently?

Kate

"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"

[darkangel]

HI Dave

Do you still have any support system - key worker or community psychiatric nurse ?

If not then please get in touch with your GP and you will get the appropriate help you need to talk about how you are feeling.

Darkangel


........life is for living not just for surviving

[Alexandra]

Hi Dave

All i can say is the same as the others & think its best to discuss all this with your doctor & then he can take it on from there.

Take Care

Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart

[Piglet]

Hi hun,

I totally agree with Kate about keeping busy - I know this is sooo hard when you are having trouble motivating yourself to even get out of bed, but it works!!!!!!!!!

I would go back to your doctor and tell them how crappy you are feeling at the minute. I say at the minute because when we feel low we tend to remember things as more bad than good.

Also try and keep occupied around other people - we drive ourselves nuts with our own thoughts sometimes and it really does help having company.

All the best mate

Piglet x

[Antipodes]

Hi Dave,

I would like to join the others in saying you're in the right place here to find peer help in our dealing with this beast "PTSD".

I have a lot of empathy for you Dave. It is only just over one year that I went through the exit thing but was found and spent two days in ICU and another seven days recovering.

What did come out of this though was truly amazing. All of a sudden I was offerered medications that actually started helping me. I have progressed to even more "refinement" of medication for therapy. I get fantastic access to a free NHS psychiatrist and they are working closely with me to alleviate more troublesome symptoms.

My message to you is your depression is allowing you to cogitate on these morbid thoughts. If your brain were cascading with ample supplies of these three neural transmitters - you simply would not be having thinking of this kind.

So, you need to be assertive and get tapped into a good psychologist and a good psychiatrist, both expereinced in PTSD, to get your PTSD settled at least. So you can deal with the physical oain in isolation.

I am confident an assertive cry for help by telephone or via your GP for someone to help get your over the PTSD will be just as effective as these alternative cries for help. Please see these morbid thoughts for what thewy are - morbid thoughts. They are abnormal thoughts and this can be remedied. I can tell you my actions last year was shock and surprise by my loved ones. It was not nice for me to apologise to them one or two at a time and promising I won't do it again.

I hope this is of value to you Dave.

Antipodes aka Jeff

[dave11282]

many thanks for your kind support,

I realise that I spent perhaps too much time by myself, and I did have plans to get out more in my private time.

My chronic pain is not just psychological, it is real, and very physical. I now use magnetic therapy with some good results.

Most of my therapy which I had for 8 months, involved me getting lots of self help books on PTSD, emotional help, CBT, anxiety tools, they did help for a while, & I tick over on a more stable level than I did 12 months ago before I broke down.

I think your comments for doing more in my private time is pertinent .

I have tried to look at local groups, walking, social, etc, but my fear of my symptoms, that I have had for 20+ yrs, always makes me feel like crawling back into my isolation, I feel safe there, locked away.

I just feel sad & very low. I know there are zillions out there with worse than I have, I do not feel sorry for myself. I accept what has happened to me.

I guess I am so exhausted from it all. And I dont wont to face another 30 yrs....

thanks again for your support

has anyone had any local success in meeting with people with similar symptoms . Sometimes I think I might mix better with poeple who can relate.

Dave

[chop]

Dave,

I can show you soem poems I wrote recently when I was very down and suicidal. I was at the point, I had to go to hospital and be admitted so i didnt do it. If I try it ever, It will be successful.

Now I can show you the poems of how down I was and my state of mind and here I am today typing. Its not great but I am better than I was.

We can all beat it and its bloody hard but it will get better.

I hope that helps a bit and feel free to ask to see my poems as you may have felt the same way like no end but suicide. It actually felt good to think it. I wanted to do it.

im still here so there is hope buddy.

P.S. I told no one until I made the call to the mental health team here as I knew I would do it and my son would have no daddy. It was bad and I am still here. You can do it Pm me if needed.

Chop

Learning to under react

[kate]

Hi Dave,

Of course your pain is real and very physical, no one is disputing that. BUT, it is your anxiety/depressive state that is making it even harder for you to deal with.

It does make you feel safe to stay at home in your comfort zone, I'm only too well aware of that. But, it is also dead boring and demoralizing!

Try looking at one activity at a time, something that is the least likely to make you panic. Give it a go, even if you only manage it for say 10 minutes, it's a start. It really will make you feel that there is something to get out of bed for, something to aim at.

Although it may seem that it would be better to mix with fellow sufferers, there is also the downside to this that all you would talk about is how you and they are feeling in terms of the panic. This could in fact only serve to bring you down further. Yes, it is lovely to talk with others that understand, but we need to mix with a whole variety of people to make our lives fuller.

It is all very, very exhausting and I'm speaking as someone that has suffered for 25 longggggggggg years! I don't believe I will ever get back to being the person I was pre panic, but I am learning to enjoy the things I am able to do and to push my boundaries and automatic negative thoughts, with the help of a counsellor.

Wishing you all good luck

Kate

"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"

[dave11282]

Hi Kate,

I know you are right, activity, or lack of it, is adding to my issues. But after a hard days work , my RTA injuries ache like made, my PTSD symptoms and anxiety have added their part it is so difficult to force mysefl to do more.


regards

Dave