I'm so lonely

[QueenOfHearts]

Hi everyone,

I haven't been here long and i appreciate how supportive this forum is. I don't want to bog anyone down as we all have problems i just don't know where else to turn.

I'm in my second year at uni, and finding it hard socially. I suffered severe anxiety right from the beginning of this academic year, and so people have withdrawn from me because they find me difficult to be around. I appreciate that misery breeds, and that people don't always know what to do.

A mother of one of the students in my year found my online diary and told her daughter to keep away from me because i am obviously crazy and need help. This has now spread around my whole year and people are talking about me. Someone i considered my best friend not only read my diary, she also told other people where to find it and told me i was an attention seeker even though she has very big self esteem issues. Lots of people have told me that she is jealous of me, as i weigh less than her and find it easy to converse with a variety of people, but i don't see why. I would never want to be me. My flatmate and her have become "best friends" and have shut me out, to the extent that my flatmate has spoken about me behind my back, and when i tried to approach her 3 times to resolve any issues we had with each other, she lied and said she didn't have any and then told me i was paranoid.

My boyfriend recently dumped me and he was my life. That isn't healthy i know, but he was planning to move down to Southampton where i am at uni and the thought of him being here kept me going.

I have been trying to meet new people but its so difficult when i'm constantly depressed an anxious. People only want to be around me if i'm happy and laughing and i can't do that all the time.

There are a few people who have been very supportive around me the last few weeks and i have been spending a lot of time with them. But i can't be around them all the time because i'm suffocating them, and i need to learn to be by myself. I've joined societies, met more people but they have friends and don't always seem open to more people joining their group. I'm currently having CBT and i have a mentor to help me academically, and my tutor are aware of my health problems.

I'm not sure i even want any answers. I am doing things to make more friends but i hate being lonely. I don't have friends at home when i go home in the holidays so i have nothing here and nothing at home either. I just want people around who understand me, who will let me cry and be me. I want to feel like i belong. I want people to care about me. I'm not saying i don't have that at all because there are some wonderful people who have given me support recently. But i know i have spent too much time with them and i need to branch out more otherwise i will alienate myself by being too needy.

Sorry this is so long.

[Piglet]

Hi hun,

I think because you are so aware of not wanting to become needy I doubt very much you will do.

You sound very much like you are doing all the right things so I would just give it a little longer. Establishing friendship groups takes a little time.

It is hard when you come out of a relationship as we tend to put all our eggs in one basket with this - I am always telling my kids not to do this too. How long have you got left at uni and do you see yourself staying in the S'hampton area once you've finished?

Love Piglet x

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[QueenOfHearts]

I don't finish uni until 2010. I'm studying to be a doctor. I don't know where i see myself when i finish its such a long way off and things change.

Establishing good friendships do take time you're right and i guess i want things to happen quicker. I just hate sitting in lectures alone, eating alone and knowing that some people have preconceptions about me because of people talking about me behind my back. It makes it difficult for me to know who to trust.

If anyone wants to add me to msn or fancies a chat i'd be up for that.

[clickaway]

Hi there,

I can really relate to where you are coming from, but I do think you are making some really positive moves by joining things. Would it be possible to share a flat with some others in order to give you some new and perhaps kinder people to speak to?

Sure, it will take time to get new friends, but once you have one or two, others will follow quickly as your social life returns.

Its a few weeks off yet, but a few people from this site are meeting up on Brighton at the beginning of May. Perhaps you'd like to come along?
[Link removed invalid url]

Take Care,


Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

[QueenOfHearts]

I'm actually moving next week as i have just gotten a job as a warden in a different halls at the university. I guess it will be a chance to make a new start but i'm anxious about moving somewhere where i don't know people.

I'll look into the meet up, thank you very much for your advice.

[andrew]

hi sarky,

hopefully your move will go ok, good luck with that. i think your well shot of the other 2 so called friends.

being lonely hurts, try not to let those feelings overwhelm you. its great that you are actively trying to deal with it by joining in - do remember to stay positive with yourself.

and about being needy, hopefully you will start recovering and you wont always be so needy, so dont be in such a hurry to leave ppl that do care about you. and some ppl dont mind needy ppl around them either. you take care .. andrew

[QueenOfHearts]

I went into uni today and am feeling worse than i was before. Yesterday i found out that one of my friends has tried to kill herself. She has a lot of problems and it was a very serious attempt and although she's going to be ok i know she'll try again. The only reason she wasn't successful already is because she has physical disabilities which stop her.

I went through so many emotions when i found out. I have tried to take my life in the past and although i promised never to go down that path again i feel like i have nothing left even though i know that isn't true. I'm so glad she isn't physically hurt by what she has done, but i know the scars run much deeper. I understand why she did what she did and to be honest i feel the same.

Although i was sitting with people in uni today, they have all gone off with their partners now (their all in relationships) and i've been left by myself. One of my friends spoke to one of the girls who i've been having problems with (who i considered one of my best friends). She is spreading rumours that i am jealous of her because she has new friends amongst other things. I just don't feel like i can face people at uni anymore. I have 2 days this week where i have to be by myself because the people i know won't be there and i'm dreading it.

All i did wrong was to be ill. To suffer from depression and anxiety and not have the best coping mechanisms. And because of this i've been shunned, people are talking and laughing about me behind my back, my boyfriend has dumped me and i've been left wondering what the point in carrying on is. Everytime i build myself up something comes along to knock me back down. I've been depressed since i was 16, i'm 21 now. I've acheived a lot in that time despite my problems but it means nothing when i'm going through life feeling alone.

[shiv]

I really feel for you so much. When I was your age I had a massive circle of friends but when my partner and father of my son died when I was 21 they dropped off one by one. I then became very ill with anxiety and my friends at that point all but disappeared. They were complete s**ts. It's taken me to the age I am now (32) to have built up adecent yet tiny circle of friends. It takes time but you will get there. People can be so mean particularly if they've got no experience of mental health problems. You're also young and no offence to the younger people on this forum but at that age we can be incredibly selfish and quite mean!

Believe me , you WILL look back in years to come and wonder what you ever saw in your so-called-friends. I know I do. Keep coming back and talking to us. Do you have a counselling service at your uni? Throw yourself into your studies and keep tight with your true friends. As for your suicidal friend, just be there for her. It might make you feel better and give you some feeling of self-worth: besides she needs you!

Keep battling and don't let those a**eholes get you down

Shiv x

[QueenOfHearts]

Hi Shiv and thanks for your reply.

This time last year when i was stronger this would have annoyed me, but would not have knocked me down like it has. My self esteem is rock bottom and having people coming up to me saying "i've heard your flatmate saying this about you" doesn't help. As she is on my course its very difficult. My degree is 6 years long and people are very cliquey. She should know better. She's 21 like me, but already has a degree so has been to uni and knows how it works. Because she is quite influential people listen to what she says. We seem to have a lot of 18yr old sheep (no offence because i know i wasn't like that at 18).

Apparently one of the mothers of one of the people on my course happened to come across my online diary and told her daughter to keep away from me because i am mentally ill and should not be associating with people. This has spread around my year so i am now the butt of people's jokes.

I know i have to learn to be by myself and i can't be surrounded by people all the time. There was a time when i could do that and be quite happy in my own company. But when i was like that i always knew in the back pof my mind that people were there if/when i needed them. Now i don't even have that.

[QueenOfHearts]

Oh and by the way, i am having CBT and see a mentor at the university. I am trying it just seems like no matter what i do people want to try and drag me back down. And i don't feel strong enough to face it all.