For a long time I used to ask what biological or psychological function does my depression serve? How is my mind trying to help me? With panic attacks it's just that my 'danger sensor' is too sensitive. With derealisation it's too much adrenaline and noradrenaline in my blood and my over-loaded mind is trying to keep me in a protective bubble.
I know that depression is low seratonin levels, but what's it for?
I've always equated depression to frustration. I'm depressed/frustrated because I don't like my job and I have difficulty getting the sort of job that I would like. I'm depressed/frustrated because I'm always short of money. I'm depressed/frustrated because my living circumstances aren't exactly how I would like them to be....etc.
I've come to realise recently how much fear plays a part in depression too. I would love to own my own home, but I'm afraid that I'll end up spending more time on my own or that I'll get into financial difficulties and the house will be reposessed- so i'll stop at home with my parents. I'd love to travel, but I'm afraid of being very far from home- so i'll hardly leave my home town. That sort of thinking limits me greatly, which makes me feel depressed.
Up until I started having panic attacks I had the mindset that if I just get through the present, I'll be able to look back and enjoy it. When I was a kid my ambition was to be 'grown up'! I grew up on a council estate and I wanted nothing more than to be 'middle class'. I had/have visions of my life being spent working for a trendy new media/tv company, where I have free license to be creative and the office is decked out with bean bags and table football. I drive an expensive car, wear expensive clothes and own an appartment on the river. I have a string of gorgeous girlfriends and scores of 'close' mates!!! I'm depressed/frustrated because I don't have those things or any liklihood of ever having those things and even if I did have those things I'd still probably be depressed. Look at Robbiw Williams. I believe he has what is known as 'paradise syndrome', where you have everything and feel like 'what else is there left to achieve or acquire?'
I went to the house of a couple of 'middle class' neighbours recently and their home was lovely, but the were so boring- all they wanted to talk about was mortgages and babies- and they actually seemed quite miserable. They'd mortgaged themselves up to the hilt and they never had any money to go out and enjoy themselves. It certainly made me think 'be careful what you wish for!'
I do find myself rejecting a lot of things and people 'I don't want to do that', 'i don't want to go there' and i do proactively try and say 'yes' to a lot more things. I made the long trip to the North east recently and I avoided having a panic attack by saying 'yes, i do want to do this' every time I felt the fear rising and an urge to say 'no! stop the bus, I can't do it, i want to go home'.
I'm trying to do all the things now that I used to put off. 'I'd love to learn the guitar, but I'll do it when I'm older'. It is a good distraction method, using the right(?) side of the brain, to take your mind off panic attacks and developing skills is also a great way of boosting your confidence.
Another area that has caused me to be depressed is being passive (add to that being conformist). I wouldn't really stand up for what I wanted, I wasn't very active and I'd let people beat me down or take advantage of me. I think one of the key things to do to avoid being depressed is to feel like you have control over your own life and not that you're just there to serve other people.
Anyway, the point of depression? I'm 30 now and I've been suffering with it for 3 years. I had one bout when I was 18 and another when I was 21. I think it came at those key ages because I had set myself up to expect certain things of myself by that point. Those other two spells of depression passed fairly quickly as, in the first instance, I moved away to Uni and, in the second instance, my social life improved. I really have tri
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