Death of a friend

[Nicky123]

Hi ladies and Gents. I suffer from O.C.D and Health Anxiety. I do have a fear of bad things happening to my family also. Suffering at the moment with some pain which is in another post but whilst I am on here awaiting replies of advice.. I would like to know if there is anyone that feels like me or am I just over sensative.

My next door neighbour I had known for 24 yrs..she was 50.. she was funny.. lively... and caring.. we were friends.. but we were not in and out of each others houses or knew alot about each others lives if you know what I mean.. we would sometimes talk in passing or shut each others curtains if we went away.. that kind of thing. If anything.. i am the one who wears my heart on my sleeve.. she really kept her feelings and life to herself.

Three months ago.. I saw an ambulance out the front.. they were in next door and I figured it was my neighbours mum because she was getting on and sometimes visited and I knew she had just had a operation.. but eventually it became very clear it wasnt her mum.. it was my friend. She had collapsed and died in the house.. alone.. and later that evening it was confirmed she had cervical cancer. She didnt know.. she apparently had been bleeding but we think she thought she was going through the change.. she never had a smear test in her life.. infact never visited a doctor if she could help it. I was devestated. Absolutley devestated. Three months on.. I still cannot belive it. She had so much energy.. she wouldnt walk up the stairs she would run.. or she would run out the street to the shops.. now shes gone. Im having a hard time with it. I think about her constantly. I try not to.. and then I tell myself its ok to think about her.. but then I think about such a lively happy funny person is no more and it kills me. Its not that I am worried about cervical cancer.. I have my smear tests.. I just cant get over the fact shes gone.. so quick.. I just want it to stop.. its like im thinking too deeply. I went to see her because her family asked me to go.. I thought that might help me over accepting it.. omg.. worst thing i ever did... I kid you not.. i was a wreck afterwards.. I did not sleep good for seven weeks and i went to bed with the light on every night. Ive lost people before.. I gave birth to a baby boy who was still born 16 yrs ago.. i lost my father.. but why has my friends death really really affected me this way? we werent really close or anything like that. I would appreciate your views.

Nicky

[Nigel]

Hi Nicky,

I’m so sorry to hear about your neighbour. Doesn’t really matter that you weren’t really close. It still sounds like you were good friends, and 24 years is a long time to know somebody.

“but why has my friends death really really affected me this way? we werent really close or anything like that.”

Perhaps it was because it was such a sudden and unexpected shock. The mind seems to attach more importance to events that had a sudden intense emotional impact. Maybe with some of those other situations there was more of a warning and it was partly expected.

Another thing is that being neighbours meant that she was always around. She was a part of your normal everyday life, so there’s bound to be lots of little reminders that she’s no longer there.

I lost a good friend earlier this year and in some ways it’s harder than when Dad died 8 years ago, although he was more important to me. I have my own place and while I’m here I’m not surrounded by memories and associations of Dad no longer being around. Things are the same as before. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss him, but there’s not so many personal reminders. My friend was staying with me at the time. She was an important part of my life and the house is full of reminders that she isn’t here.

Give it time Nicky. It’s shows that your friendship was special. Try to recall some good memories about her, and think how she would like to know you’re coping with what happened. Would she want to see you were struggling with it, or would she like to know you were happy and thinking fondly of her? Thinking that helps me...

Take care
Nigel

[steven67]

sorry for your loss nick,i know how you feel ,i lost my brother in law last august 2009,he had a heart attack while playing five a side football, he was only 49yrs old ,and also a very good friend more like a brother than brother in law,it still hasnt hit me yet but i do know he would not want me to feel down,but still can/t help it ,take care steve

[paula lynne]

Im sending you big hugs at this difficult time x

[Nicky123]

Thankyou all for your replies.. your so kind and caring. Nigel.. your post meant alot.. its helped a great deal .. thankyou ever so muchxxxx