Hi
Been told to post again cos finding it hard to come here and post and let out my feelings. Why? Because i feel that everyone who has known me has given up on me, except one and thats Lea.
Each day has been hard because my voices are telling me that i am not worth it, I am even having bad dreams nearly every night which ends with me dying.
The other nite Lea found me on the bed crying my eyes out, im trying hard to hide my feelings from her and say theres nothing wrong, but she knows there is.
It just feels that everything in my life is bad even my job is geting me down and though im trying to find another, im having no luck cos you have to fill a medical form in, and as soon as you say depression thats it .And due to a personal problem with a customer which is related to family im being stuck on the late shift most nights so at the min i have no social life. Just feel tired all the time/
Im finding im getting upset over any little thing, and have been cutting again, im also on about 4 different lots of tabs which i now have to take in yogart other wise it gives me flash backs to the od's and makes me sick.
Still feels like i am living for other ppl and not me, yes its the same problem im missing my sister i still have the letter that came back and its making me feel that she was right i should of jumped in front of a train when she said. I just want to be given one more chance with her or if not just to be told why im hated so much that none of my family will speak, and yes i must be hated otherwise they would talk. It my mums birthday today and this is the 2yr without contact.
I dont understand why i am being punished by them because i have depression, it seems in the end you lose everyone, to me at the min depression is the new plaque once you got it thats it.
Can anyone answer why i should carry on? cos i dont know the answer, im sleeping in later than i normally do, and dont care what happens to me.
Lea is all that is keeping me going, she has my meds, sadly she cant stop me from cutting i have to do that, but she has stopped me from drinking again. Thankyou lea x
Lea goes home in month or so and im scared to what i will do. As it means someone else leaving me, ok she will still be at end of the phone, but it not the same.
I just want one last go with my sis mainly, but we cant find her, I cant go on for ever hurting like this.
I said i would post this once cos i even feel lonely here now, oh we went to the hospital when i tried to bleach tattoo off its ok, but i even hate looking at them, cos they in memory of my dad, and at this time im angry with him for bring me into this world. And if im honest im starting to hate myself more cos everyone must be right. Im not worth any of there time cos they only want happy ppl. and as they said ive wasted my life so why should i carry on just to be unhappy and lonely?
sorry for bad post, i might come on and read it but feel that i aint worth helping. This was hard to write, voices telling me to give up.
take care
susiex
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