Crazy things HA has made you do.

[rosi]

I have a whole list-

I'm so scared of abnormal discharge from any place capable of a discharge that to prevent myself checking and re checking I now only wear black underwear.

I only have black towels.

I have on occassion injured myself knowing that i am only doing it to mask any possible sympthoms of something bad. When I had my MS scrare I had numbness in my arm so i would shake and flex it so violently I had muscle strain and aches for weeks afterwards. i have clawed at my own skin to hide marks. During my recent BC scare I have checked under my arms until they were red raw and caused a nipple infection by clawing and aggravating it because I couldn't bear to see what was there.

I cannot believe I'm admitting to this. These are like my deepest darkest secrets.

However, knowledge is power. it helps to know you're not alone and not mad.

[bronte]

i am so scared of finding blood in my underwear from vagina /anus i like you wear black underwear have black towels i have inspected my pooh constantly and the toilet paper for blood it was so bad and still am sometimes i had panic attacks before going to the toilet the fact i have piles and hormone inbalance which both produce blood hasnt helped and in fact has made my ha alot worse i have dried to dig moles out with a pin because didnt like how they looked didnt work though i have made my breast and under arms sore from prodding them and i wont have sex with my husband at the moment because im frightenedin case i bleed after plus alot more silly things ive done

[daisycake]

Hm, when I panic I pinch my skin - as I speak my knees are covered in bruises, I also bite my hand/have burnt meself but that's a bit of self injury in there as well. I think the worst things I've done are simple things like emailing charities about all sorts of weird and wonderful illnesses, going to A&E, phoning NHS 24 things like that,, vcan't believe I'm writing this but sometimes making things worser than they are so that I have a sort of excuse to get help for another issue that I'm scared to get help for in the first place, if u know what I mean, e.g I had a spot two years ago, and I scratched it and scratched it and picked it so it would get worse and I could ask GP for help with worries about poisoning. I felt so stupid after - a) I ended up very sore, it has NEVER healed fully and b) my doctor didnt even see me for four weeks and didnt do much to help me with either issue. Didnt do it since like, soon learnt my lesson!

[rosi]

Bleeding after sex is a constant worry. I try not to check. My last sexual relationship ended in May but the last time we had sex it was rather energetic and I bled. I totally freaked out as it just reinforced all my fears. As it happens I went and got checked out and it was due to cervical erosion and the doctor wasn't at all concerned just said take it easy next time.

Oh, I also have a fear of white sheets on beds. In a hotel when I can't avoid them, I wrap myself up in a blanket to avoid waking up and finding I've left some kind of mark on the sheet from vagina or breasts.

Admitting to all this is rather liberating in a really odd kind of way.

[pd]

Crazy things HA has made me do:

I've spent a total of what must add up to days in front of a mirror with a torch checking whether both my pupils dilate the same amount.

Prod and poke at various bits of myself so hard and so frequently that I actually cause the bruising/swelling and pain that I was imagining in the first place.

Stop shaving my legs for months on end becuase I kept freaking out and thinking that little bumps/scars were skin cancer.

Pretty much give up a sport that I love because I fear the physical exhertion will make my heart stop.

Stop smoking weed (ok, that's a good one).

[looking4answers]

Got off a plane in Seattle Washington.. the furthest most part of the US without going into canada . .rented a car and drove over 4000 miles home to New Orleans Louisiana ..this was years ago but this is all the way down Washington state,crossing Oregon,then from the top of California to the bottom turning left across all of Arizona,New Mexico,Texas, and all across the bottom of Louisiana.. To say the least fun and exciting but yes anxiety made me do it lol

[rosi]

The craziest thing is the most recent. I'm weaning myself off of Sertraline because I can't face going to my doctor for a repeat prescription and her asking if I've had any more trouble with my nipple which started this latest bout of HA. She asked me last time she saw me and it sent me into a panic especially when she said to always remind her to ask. Of course she's just doing her job but I would rather go without anti-depressants (which if I'm honest were not even touching my anxiety) than face her and my fears. That is really, really crazy.

I've come to the decision that I have to face the demons in myself rather than mask them with anti-depressants. It may not work for me but I have to try. The only way may be to completely ignore my body.