I posted this on USA site as well as am desperate for advice.
Help me - I am desperate to try and sort this before he finishes it. We have been together 11 months and I picked up on OCD tendancies - the checking, list writing, etc - saving things, habits. I became convinced he was seeing someone else as he is so secretive and went through his stuff. I immediately felt terrible and confessed but I found lists of ex girlfriends - lists about my good and bad traits (thankfull nothing too major but it hurt) but also lists of a bad previous experience and also his reaction to it, his thoughts, and a reference to OCD. It all made sense and I googled it to try and understand.
Since then he has shut himself off. He won't talk about it. The ROCD element I tried to discuss but he got cross- said it was of no interest whatsoever. He can't say he loves me, not sure he ever misses me, yet he often says we will be together forever, that I tick every box. There is nothing missing. Then he says he doesn't know. Maybe we should have a break. He has never loved anyone he says. He has had trust issues with exes. He says he has never got jealous. He seems terribly ashamed to talk to me yet I would never judge. I had mild OCD symptons as a child, safe numbers, things to keep me safe, obession with dying etc. I was and am hugely sensitive and can relate to it. I have tried to talk to him saying I have been through similar situation but he shuts himself off. He seems ashamed - he even tried to deny OCD and then said he has got it but not that bad. He has never had help, yet I can see it eating him up. He has it really bad at the moment. He puts on a brilliant act in front of others - no one would know. I feel desperate. I love him and want to help but how? He has lived with it years and has never seen anyone. I fear unless he gets help we are over. And we have something amazing. The chemistry is wonderful (though he doubts that sometimes I think. He has never said it but I can tell since we have become more comfortable with each other and we aren't being intimate every day that somehow that means it's not the same. We still have a good love life and very loving). He is obsessed with physical perfection and notices flaws in appearance (he doesnt mention any with me but I have noticed he does with others - even his mates bad breath annoys him). He is sometimes very loving with me and we cuddle up and feel at peace. He listens to me and I talk about the OCD but he pretends not to hear although I know he is listening (usually when we lie in bed and he might have his back to me).
I often say "look, don't finish this, you know we have something amazing." and he agrees. I see him check out other girls, sometimes even go up and get in their "space" as a way of testing himself and his feelings. I have told him it is natural to check out people, we all do it - but the difference is most people shrug it off and don't panic about it or feel guilty about it.
we are also in a long distance relationship and his OCD makes him very entrenched in his routine. He must like me to make the effort to drive nearly 2 hours to see me and introduce me to his parents (who have never met any of his exes as "they weren't right"). I used to think he just had ridiculously high standards and I am usually such a secure person. I think I am pretty and have my own business, work out, cook healthy, love and care for others often before myself and absolutely adore him. But this is knocking my confidence. I would never let him know that but it hurts so badly. He looks to his friends (who have no idea about his ocd) to validate his feelings and rates people on looks on a score of 1-10 although acknowledges there are certain personality traits he couldn't put up with. For us to still be together is a miracle. Exes have cheated and tried to get his attention which has pushed him away further. I have been patient and kind and supportive. My ex had some mental health issues which I have spoken to him about which makes him even more reluctant to talk in case I jusge him I am sure. But I never ever would. I had terrible enxiety about dying when I was younger and can totally understand what he is going through. His Mum told him he had put on weight at xmas and he has been religious about wokring out every night to get more "ripped" even though he is perfect. It took over and hour to shop at the weekend while he checked every label and it is so painful to watch. I can see he is eaten up with anxiety and it's so desperately hurting to see him this way. I can honestly say he is the funniest most adorable guy I have ever met and I don't want to lose him. How do I save this and get us help because he wouldn't even acknowledge his OCD properly and hasn't had help for that so he won't believe that ROCD exists. I have sent him e-mails but I don't think he will read them. He is convinced it was all rubbish and he has totally cut himself off although denies it. Please help. I am desperate - it's eating me up and I can think of nothing else.
Any advice appreciated. x
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