Fear of schizophrenia/serious mental illness

[tn13]

Hi everyone... ugh, I thought I was getting better, but now I'm feeling anxious again. Thankfully not as badly as I was before I was being treated, but I really don't want to start slipping backwards again.

I've posted on here a few times in the past month about various things and this forum has been a great help, so I hope I'll be able to find support here again! I am a 19-year-old uni student and have been suffering from generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder as well as mild depression for the past two and a half months (although now that I've been to a few therapy sessions I realize that anxiety is something I've been dealing with all my life, it's just flared up now). It's been a hell of a ride, and not something I would wish on my worst enemy. It started out with a panic attack I had at work after waking up with a sore arm one day because I was afraid I was going to have a heart attack. Over the next few weeks I developed all the telltale physical symptoms of panic disorder: chest tightness and occasional pain, feeling like I was choking, shakiness, tingles in the face and scalp, derealization a few times... Every day I was terrified of dying and ran through a gamut of illnesses that I thought I had: heart attack, stroke, appendicitis, kidney stones, a collapsed lung, and probably my biggest fear, a brain aneurysm. I was terrified of going anywhere, wasn't able to concentrate on my schoolwork and would break down crying and panicking at least once a day. I went to my doctor who checked me out and then prescribed 0.5 mg of Ativan to control my panic attacks and while it's a godsend for when I'm in the midst of an attack, it didn't work to control my anxiety overall and I was put on 10 mg of Cipralex a few weeks later. Unfortunately I got the side affect of it making my anxiety worse before better and I ended up rushing to the ER one night after feeling tingles on my scalp and a slight headache, convinced I was going to have a brain aneurysm. Of course I didn't, and I was referred to a psychiatrist who upped the prescription to 20 mg.

I've been on that a month today and it has helped a lot. I am no longer afraid of dying, haven't had a full-out anxiety attack in a couple of weeks and don't experience the physical symptoms anymore. I'm completing my schoolwork and exams again and doing well. I have also started to see a therapist as well as continuing to go to the p.doc every few weeks. The therapist has helped me to realize that a lot of my worries are unreasonable and has also talked me through some issues in my past that contributed to my anxiety.

For two weeks I felt really good, almost back to normal. I have actually found myself to be less nervous than I ever was, and for a bit I was feeling as happy as I did before this started. I have always been afraid to get my learner's driver's license (even though I'm far beyond of age to get it ) as I have an eye condition that I thought would make it impossible for me to get my license, but two weeks ago I went and finally got it, and I've driven a few times already. I'm looking forward to a trip to Florida in a few weeks and the fact that I just bought tickets to see my favourite band live in July. I thought I was finally out of the woods, but then...

I've had some problems thinking clearly through the anxiety, most of which are, I (and my doctors) think are caused by my obsessing over thinking - I posted a thread about it here. I don't have the problem I described of not having an internal dialogue anymore, just the issue that I'm still foggy and sometimes my thoughts get mixed up or it's an effort to think. Sometimes I'll be thinking of something and won't be able to think of the proper word even though I have the idea of what I'm thinking about, if that makes sense? It's sort of hard to describe - I've been able to complete my schoolwork including a research essay, know what I have to do, can communicate fine and so on, but it just feels like I'm not thinking the way I used to. In the two weeks I was feeling really good I felt like it was getting better. But on Friday I made the mistake of looking up thought disorders, which led me to schizophrenia, and I started reading all of these websites and watching videos about it, and now I'm terrified that I'm going to develop it. I am a very smart and creative person and a high achiever with a lot of goals for my life, and the thought of losing my mind is worse for me than death. I've always been a person who is very imaginative and I daydream and fantasize a lot, spending a lot of time in my head. Lately since this obsession with the way I'm thinking developed I've noticed it's easier for me to drift off in a daydream than concentrate on what's going on, and while I definitely know the difference between reality and fantasy and don't have delusions or paranoia or hallucinations, I'm scared that it's always been lurking and this is the beginning of it.

Has anyone else wrestled with this fear before and has any advice on how to get over it? And has anyone gone through feeling better and then suddenly slipping back into yet another anxiety? It's just a bit discouraging :\

[Chem]

tn13 congratulations on coming a long way in a very short space of time

I think that might be the cause of your problem now. It takes time to recover from depression and many of us who suffer from it feel "fogged" and struggle to think at times. My biggest frustration is my loss of vocabulary.

Googling, reading websites and watching videos is the worst thing you can possibly do. People with serious mental illness usually dont realise they have it. You sound to be well supported, so please ask your doctor or therapist about your latest feelings, or check out the advice on here. It's probably a simple matter of the dose of your meds needing adjustment.

[uk23]

People with serious mental illness usually dont realise they have it.

Although I agree with everything else you said I do not agree with that, sorry!

The definition of a 'serious mental illness' is;

Substantial disorder of thought, mood, perception, orientation or memory, any which grossly impairs judgment, behavior, capacity to recognize reality, or ability to meet the ordinary demands of life. This includes, but is not necessarily limited to, diagnoses of schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, psychotic conditions not otherwise specified, bipolar disorder, and severe depressive disorders.

I have two diagnosed 'serious mental illnesses' (bipolar & bpd) and I am perfectly aware of them and when they flip around.

I have to say well done tn13, you really have obviously done quite a bit of hard work yourself and got some good results. I think seeing your doctor would help you get your mind around the current worries you are having, please update us on your progress and if you would like to PM me you are welcome to.

edit: after reading I see that may sound like a nasty reply Chem, sorry if it seems that way - not meant in that way at all, its just my style of writing lol

[supyo]

I think he was referring to schizophrenia.

The whole problem with schizo is not being in touch with reality and being overtaken by delusions, hallucinations, and paranoia. It's been said (even by Drs) that if you think you're crazy, you aren't (mostly geared toward said illness). Most people with schizophrenia don't realize what they are experiencing isn't real.

And to the op....

I'm on the same boat... despite what I just said, I have a huge fear of schizo right now... But mine is fueled by being fixated on everything I see and hear. My brain has been mean to me when this fear started.... quite a few hearing tricks and seeing tricks so far. I need to get over this because I'm sure all of these 'symptoms' come from my obsession and anxiety... but somedays I just can't accept that and assume I have schizophrenia. or I'm going to get it.

[tn13]

Thank you so much for your responses.

I'm feeling better now, not as panicked anymore. It's still there in my mind but not as badly. I feel like my thoughts are coming easier now, which is nice, and I realize that if I had schizophrenia or was heading down the road towards it, I wouldn't get better and worse and better and worse, it would just keep getting worse. I saw my GP yesterday (and good news - I've been seeing him once a week since my anxiety started and yesterday he told me that he doesn't think I need to do that anymore and just to book appointments if I think I need them - so that's good news! Still have regular appointments with my therapist and psych, so it's not like I'll be suddenly alone either.) and he again told me to stay off of websites about illnesses that scare me, and again that if there was something of that nature going on with me I likely wouldn't realize it and it would be my parents dragging me in to see him.

It still worries me that it seems easier to slip into a daydream but then I remember that I have been like that as long as I remember, and I wasn't able to do that while I was really suffering because I was so anxious. So I suppose this is probably just me going back to normal.

Again, thank you all so much for all of your support. I've looked at a lot of the anxiety forums and this one is my favourite because everyone is so supportive but rational at the same time. Thanks again

[looking4answers]

So many people have felt the way you do its very common.... just keep trying hard everyday and tell yourself its temporary and it will eventually fade.Good luck to you!

[HelenLouise]

Hi!

Well done for making such progress with your anxiety!

I have to say - i don't think you have anything to worry about when it comes to mental disorders. Anxiety can make you think almost anything when its at its worst but i seriously doubt you have schizophrenia or similar.

I have OCD and something called Schizoaffective disorder which is a mood disorder (like bipolar) with hallucinations or delusions (like in schizophrenia.) Although mild, I am perfectly aware of both these conditions and you would be too if you had a mental illness.

There is a lot of stereotyping when it comes to illnesses like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder so I wouldn't pay any attention to any websites or things you read online.

Try not to worry, you are fine

[Dreamer029]

I have the same fear, whenever I have a panic attack I am like oh gosh this is gonna be it, I'm gonna go crazy! If you break down the fear it's actually a fear you have of losing control. I have the same thing, and that is what a lot of the anxiety is about. Health conditions you can't control, life circumstances you can't control, which bring on the anxiety attacks.

[_brian]

Y(Our) only pshychosis is racing thought, for me it always start during the night, im also fear of being schizo , one week my panic got worst untill i feel like disoriented and i fear if i will forgot everything, itwas my fault because im too late to seek a medication or treatment, it was pass 3 years since my anxiety came...im also had hallucination before sleep, but it just sleep hypagonia ,sometimes i hear 8-bit sound, bell ring, etc, and it just occur 1 second or less , sometimes it exciting and shocked me , and its normal to all people if get stressed too much, if u dont want to get this: dont too much jerking,

many ppl with anxiety also thought that they are may develop schizoprhenia, actually its was opposite of schizoprhenia ,also said by this site www(dot)calmclinic(dot)com/anxiety/not-schizophrenia