Relationship anxiety..so confused.

[debs71]

Hello Friends,

I just had to post as I can't really talk to my family about this and it is driving me crazy.

I have been seeing someone who lives in Spain since Sep 2009. I met him whilst I was on holiday and he was a barman in a place I visited with friends. He was very attentive, super flattering and frankly when he first asked me to go out with him I was sceptical - barman, flirty, women chasing, the usually one night stand thing - so I said no, but he was persistent and I eventually did so. Things developed very quickly and I began to see him almost every day I was there, and every time since whenever I travel to Spain.

My feelings developed fast but he made it quite clear to me that he did not want to be tied to a relationship as he liked his freedom and had been in 2 bad relationships before, so I accepted that as I loved his company, and practically speaking it was the better option.

We get on well most of the time - of course with the odd tiff. They mostly revolve around him suggesting I change this or that about myself, which infuriates me and it ends in a row as I don't like being controlled that way. Apart from that we have a lot in common - we both love watching dvds, have a silly sense of humour, we share the same personal beliefs and there is a chemistry of sorts there.

The last time I was there in March we got on well, seeing each other most days and nights. We did much more together this time, day trips, shopping for food together, almost like a couple would do, without actually being a couple. I felt that we were drawing much closer in terms of affection. He was much more tactile than usual and when after a particular tiff where I showed my insecurity about his feelings he came back into the room, asked me to 'look at him' and reassured me I had nothing to worry about. I felt he was truthful. He had a car accident when I was there and his car was wrecked and he even walked from his family home some miles away just to visit me one night.

The one bug bear I have always had with him is that once I am home in the UK he hardly ever texts me, and never phones me, etc. He would respond to my texts but the only time he ever initiated a text was last year at Xmas time. This is what upsets me as it is like when I am home I don't exist, but when I am there he is with me 24/7, like he is simply using me, but his actions do not mirror a man who is only after one thing as it were and the signals are always mixed. I have challenged him about this and he response was that just because he doesnt text does not mean he isn't thinking of me (hmm) I have always known that being in different countries a proper relationship was never an option, and I know he is not a monk (I'm not daft) but still it hurts me.

I have been home 10 weeks now from my last trip and have not heard a thing. I text him April 19th and he responded. Since then I text again last week twice and today once and nothing back from him. My first text was simply asking how he was. The second I questioned why he did not reply and told him I dont understand this and that it was very hurtful to me. The third text again I asked why he did not answer and that if he wanted to call it quits, he could have told me when I was there instead of ignoring me. No reply to anything.

I am so confused by this. It is not like him not to reply at all, as underneath his Spanish bravado he is a moral person and would reply, and he also gives back as good as he gets when I have questioned his actions before. We did not part on bad terms when I was last there and the last text he responded to without any hint of a problem. I do not make a habit of regularly texting him as I don't want to come across as a bunny boiler or anything, but with the ball now in his court he is not answering.

I just don't get it. I cannot call him as I am too anxious about things and all kinds of things are entering my head - he has changed his number, blocking my calls, etc.

I have been trying to just get on with things as I have felt very down lately and am just feeling better, but i cannot shake the worry about this.

He has given me so much to look forward to and made me very happy, raised my self esteem, and I love his company. I am so scared that things are done between us now, but at the same time it makes no sense to me.

I have so little positive things in my life at the moment and I feel another let down may be the nail in my coffin.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.xxxxxxx

[snowgoose]

Hi Debs

so sorry to hear this .Mindgames are cruel as is not knowing what the flip is going on . so feel for you

do you have any mutual friends you can contact and ask in Spain ?
it might be best way ..and if they have any knowledge and are friends they will reply .

you so do not need this uncertainty Debs ........it is always easier to deal with facts than being bewildered .
I would personally keep bombarding his phone [but that is me ]
also of course there may be innocent reasons I know .

anyway no partner is ever ever worth you losing your health over Debs .

sending hug

[debs71]

Snowgoose, thanks so much for your reply.

I think that is what I can't stand. If he just answered and said it was finished I would know where I am and get on with things, but hearing nothing is killing me inside.

Part of me thinks that there is an explanation as it is out of character. The other thinks it is his way of a quick break.

The problem is that my friend there doesn't know him well and has a child (lone parent) so she can't really do anything to help and I wouldn't like to involve her.

You are right. It isn't worth losing my health over. I think I will just have to get on with stuff and what will be will be.

Thank you again for your kindness.xxx

[snowgoose]

hello again

do you have another number eg his work place that you could ring Debs ?
he owes you an explanation barring accident of course .
it is not being Bunny Boiler to get some answers my love ..........you have had a long relationship ...............and your dignity is so obvious in your posts

you deserve some communication from him .
and if it is not to be .....then you can dig deep and start again .which you WILL.
XX

[Hazel B]

Hi, I agree with Snowgoose, try to call his workplace to see that he's OK and nothing is untoward. Then see if you can get on with your own things and see if he gets in touch. Time will show one way or the other, but it's so frustrating and upsetting to wait and not know.

Take care.x

[debs71]

Thanks again snowgoose and Hazel for your helpful and kind posts.xxx

Unfortunately, his work is so complicated as he is never at the same place for long as he is a barman/DJ and because of the work situation in Spain at the moment, he is only employed on short contracts as the tourism numbers for the Island are down and so many places do this now. The last place he was working when I was there his contract was about to run out so I think he has moved on again.

I think that I will just give things time as you both sensibly suggest. If something has occurred where he truly is unable to respond then I don't want to bug him further, but I just hope I know one way or the other at some point in time.

Love and thanks to you both.xxx

[Tyke]

Hi Debs

Do you have any other way of getting a message to him? Do you have an e-mail address or a last home address you could write to? A parents address? Even his last place of work might forward something on if he has moved. As this sounds a little out of character, he maybe isn't using the number you have for some reason (phone lost or stolen? nuisance callers? etc). I have often been without an internet connection for a while due to technical problems and people have then wondered why I haven't responded to things. As he never contacts you much when you are not there, he might not even have given it that much attention.

If he really wanted to finish with you, I think it would be quite easy and simple for him to do with modern communications and given the distance involved, that would make it an easier thing for most blokes too. If he does have feelings for you, it would be very hard to just ignore you completely.

Tyke

[Anxious_gal]

He sounds like the avoidant relationship type,
he says he doesn't want a relationship yet stays with the same person for years...
panics when he starts to get closer to his lady, almost likes opens up and then suddenly closes up on you :(
They fear getting too close and getting hurt,
they might enjoy being the lone wolf.

I hate hate hate it when men don't break up with you, they stop talking to you, leaving you waiting and wondering, almost desperate for closure :(
It can lead women to almost stalking/tracking the guy down just so they can get their closure.
It seems to be more that the guy doesn't want to deal with the emotional impact it will have on you and them too. I've noticed that the type of men that do this can be very sweet men but seem to cope very badly with any sort of closeness or strong feelings, they also don't tend to have a close, open, caring relationship with their mother.

I'm only talking about men in my experience, just so no one gets offended

I hope ye manage to works things out x

[Phill2]

Maybe he lost his phone??

[Veronica H]

Hi Debs
This pattern of behaviour is very familiar to me, as my sister was in a similar relationship with an Italian man for 8 years. I am just playing devils advocate here, but based on what you have said and what she experienced your accounts are almost identical. This man was infact engaged to an Italian girl. Has he ever visited you here, or do you always go to him? Have you been introduced to his family?....I hope I am wrong Debs. Take care Vx