really need advice please i beg i cant cope

[overthinker]

God sake i suffer POCD i think anyways everyone knows what that intails its disgusting thoughts about children. They have come back and im scared shitless honestly. I keep having panick attacks. I get feelings also but im am not attracted to children at all so are these feelings im getting from the anxiety and the fact im focusing on that particular area to see if in fact i am actually sick ??

One minute it goes and im thinking normal chatting being happy the BANG its back and im hating myself wanting to smash my head against a wall to get these sick thoughts and images out. I dont know wether the fact i was sexually abused is linked??

The main thing i find hard to deal with is when people say 'aww (myname) is so sweet shes lovely really lovely' i just feel like telling them my sick thoughts so they change my opinion how can i be this fake girl .... should i just reveal how sick i am because normal people couldnt possibly have these thoughts so maybe i deserve the threats to kill etc ??

I have a boyfriend and yes im attracted to him and yes when im alone with him i get extremely aroused etc my sex drive is high constantly all day and i just dont want to mistake the fact that its always been high to the images i see :"( :'( :'( :'( someone please tell me am i sick if so i just need to get myself out of this world before i become a predator please please answer :'( xxx

[Chriswebster]

Hello
I am no expert and not familiar with your condition, but I feel sure that the fact you hate your thoughts so much would mean you are no danger to anyone.
You sound 'sick' but not in the way you see yourself. You have been abused and messed up so your thoughts and feelings reflect some of what has happened to you. Doesn't mean you will do the same to others. Your 'sickness' is the baggage from this. I think you need help to mend your broken heart and help with your ocd patterns. You need to feel real love and acceptance for who you are. You do not need to tell everyone your thoughts. Just work with someone who can help you through this.
Don't leave this world early Hun, your crap experiences can be turned into positive help for others and fulfilment for yourself.
Please be easier on yourself
Chris x

[Soler]

Hey, sorry to hear what you're suffering from, I've suffered from it for the past 3 months, but I'm starting to get my life back together because I finally accepted the thoughts and started going out with friends again

I really hope you get better, I know what hell you're living in, but it will end!!

[EvaSunshine78]

I am sorry to hear this, I have also suffered from this, I think it was due to being sexually abused when I was very little, but the memories are very vague and I am too scared to tell my mum because i think it was her step-brother. It's my secret and this is the first time I have said it. I started experiencing intrusive thoughts that were sexual around 6-7 years ago and it freaked me out, because I know I would never harm anyone and I started to feel I was either going insane or I was sick and that I shouldnt be alive! I still have thoughts, I try to control them becuaes I know they are linked to OCD, I dont only have sexually disturbing thoughts, But I also feel like I am going to die or everytime I pick up a knife or scissors that I am going to stab myself, the thoughts start to breed other bad thoughts and the cycle goes on, the more terrible the thought becomes the worse they get and you feel you are going mad. Stress can enhance this or if you are depressed. It's such a terrible condition but I believe that you can come out of it. I think what helps me, is that I tell myself I am a good person and when I am around children, etc, I love them and I love people, these thoughts only occur when I am on my own or I am feeling low. OCD has a way of making you believe that you are not a good person and that someone there is something seriously wrong with you. The reason it gets bad, is because you wouldn't dare talk about, if you were to talk about what you see in your head people would think you were off you head.
I want you to know, that you are not alone in this fight. You are a good, sensitive human being like me. Maybe you should start writing a log of how you feel everyday and the thoughts. I tried it and it helped. Slowing I got better and stopped writing, then I knew I was fighting it on my own. Talk about it on here.

Good Luck. xx