Re: PURE obsessional OCD
I actually really do find that pure o OCD is heightened when I'm tired. I also feel an extreme case of depersonalization when I'm tired. It's really scary... and I feel like being this way might have me lose control and actually act out on my unwanted thoughts of hurting the people around me.. I would never ever ever ever want to do that. I won't allow myself to. I simply cannot and would not ever pick up as knife and kill ANYONE. But, the fact that I'm still having IMAGES and THINKING of doing so is so uncomfortable and off putting. I find it extremely hard to live a normal happy life. In school I'm afraid of killing someone I sit next to in class, so I sit by myself. On bad days, when it seems like the spikes won't stop coming, I will avoid touching my boyfriend. I will avoid be around friends. I will just crawl into my bed and try to read or preoccupy myself, praying to God that my family doesn't walk in, so I would have another thought about murdering them. I cry so hard over these thoughts. Mostly because I couldn't think of anything more scary or devastating than having my loved ones killed, or worse, killed by me! Just typing that line made me want to cry. I have seen a therapist once, but it only seemed to make things worse. He didn't give me any answers that I'd hoped to hear, and after having the appointment with him, it caused me to think about it even more and had substantially intrusive spikes for days following. A good day for me will be when I'm just plain depressed. Few spikes, but just mainly the depression of not wanting the spikes to occur and knowing that they will sooner or later. A bad day is when it's disabling. I can barely move out of so much fear. I can barely speak or interact. I force myself to sleep so that I don't have to deal with this sort of life... I just wan't everything to be back to normal. This has been happening to me for a little over a month now, and I am at my breaking point! I now have thoughts of not only harming others, but harming myself. Hanging myself on my tree in my back yard, slitting my wrists. It makes me feel almost better when I'm having a murderous thought, and instead of stabbing someone else with the knife, I turn it around on myself. I wish that all my thoughts were of me hurting myself so that I wouldn't have to go through this terrible pain of possibly losing control and hurting another human being. Take me instead. I'm sick of this. My only outlook is sleep. Surprisingly I have no nightmares really... I used to before this. Maybe because my day-to-day thoughts ARE a nightmare! But,the thing is, I don't get too much sleep. I am 17 years old and a full time student. I work up to 30 hours a week at my work in which I am a nighttime shift leader. I don't get home to late, and I have to wake up very early, sometimes getting only 3-4 hours of sleep a night. Though, I DESPERATELY need more! Anyways, I'll wrap this up. I feel completely helpless. Hopeless. Exhausted. Sometimes I fantasize about being put into a controlled coma so I don't have to live this way. This is taking a huge toll on my relationship with my boyfriend of over a year. It's making me seclude myself from the public and my family. I have no where else to turn. Please help me. I am not a murderer, but I feel like my soul is trapt in the mind of a serial killer. I am SO scared.
P.S - When I was younger, around 8 or 9, I experienced some things that were not normal... I had thoughts in my head that were very disturbing. Some were like they are now, but most were things like; for example: "Go jump in that pool with all your clothes on, or your family will die horribly" So I would jump in the pool.
P.P.S - Around the time that this all started (around a month ago, it happened July 25th, it's August 20th today) I ate an edible marajuana brownie that had vaporizer hash in it. It was very potent and I had a huge brownie. I tripped out for days and days after - it was the worst experience of my life!! And I haven't felt the same since! Could there be a connection? Is that stupid brownie the reason my life is a living HELL right now??