I Can't Bear This Anymore

[Seraphexa]

I'm feeling really quite suicidal at this very moment - I've tried messaging my boyfriend but he has told me to "stop being stupid", so this is all I can think of right now.

My health issues are ruining my life - every week I have 1 or more doctors appointments, specialist hospital appointments, or a trip in an ambulance. I can't work, as I am too ill, which already has put a massive halt on my life. I am only 20 years old for crying out loud.

I have a chronic sinus infection, which my doctor says could lead to meningitis, which is terrifying, which also means post nasal drip, swollen lymph nodes, a swollen head, dizziness, all kinds of terrifying symptoms, yet I have to wait months to see an ENT, I've had this for over a year now.

A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with endometriosis, which is absolutely agonising, I am on daily pain killers, again in the depths of the tunnel with that one, no sign of any cure, possibly infertile, that alone just makes me want to die.

I also have chronic eczema and asthma, ridiculous lifelong anxiety, I am about 2 stone underweight and always have been, also my granddad is about to die from cancer, my other granddad passed away about a year ago from cancer, I feel like I am standing in a constant cold blurry dark room, there is no enjoyment in life, and if there is, it quickly gets spoiled by a stupid stomach pain or breathing problem.

I have had CBT selectively over the years but am now not allowed any more as I got discharged after missing so many appointments, due to my endometriosis not letting me walk.

Please could someone just give me some positive words, I am fed up with feeling like this, everyone else is fed up with worrying about my health problems, they are old news and no one wants to hear the screams of pain and panic anymore, I'm just so annoying

[cattia]

I'm so sorry that you are going through all this, and at such a young age. You sound very frustrated and overwhelmed, which is not surprising when you are dealing with chronic conditions and anxiety. It sounds as though you are not getting much support. If there is any way of getting back into counselling, I'm sure it would help to have someone to talk to. What treatment options have been discussed for your health conditions? Can you take antibiotics for the sinus infection? If it's viral then it will be a question of building up your immune system and there are several ways of doing that.
Endometriosis can be treated with surgery if it gets bad. It isn't a permanent solution but I know it improves the symptoms a lot, sometimes for years at a time. Have you spoken to a doctor about how you are feeling?

[countrygirl]

I understand how you feel i really do as i too have multiple life changing genuine health problems and constant pain and when severe anxiety is added it is almost unbearable. On a practical note can you get your gp to chase your ent appt or if you can pay for initial appt yourself which you would get in about 2 weeks and then make it clear you cannot afford more. If you see the ent consultant you are already waiting to see on nhs privately then this can help. I was waiting to see neurosurgeon on nhs then paid to see him and he straight away got me into his nhs clinic. It may not be a fair system but this is how it is. Have you seen gyny over your endo problem?
I am always happy to talk in private messages.

[Seraphexa]

Hey guys, thankyou so much for the supportive messages and advice, I was in a bit of a state yesterday after a tiring day at the hospital, and your replies and a fairly good nights sleep have helped to put things back into perspective a bit

So, I am due to see an ENT at the end of May, after months of the doctor trying mild solutions such as a nasal spray and penicillin (worked for a day, then didn't seem to want to help anymore) apparently I could try other antibiotics but I've had some strange reactions to them, I woke up covered in rashes on doxycycline and clarithromycin ended up giving me the worst nausea I had ever experienced, so I'm a little limited with those, but I guess its early days even though it doesn't feel like it (its been almost a year, this was bought on by severe hayfever last September) I just hate waiting for referrals, they take so long, I can't afford to go private unfortunately :(

My endometriosis is very unpredictable, some days I can wake up feeling absolutely fine then I can suddenly need the toilet and bam, I'm being stabbed in the side, then some days I wake up in absolute agony and have to spend the day in bed, those days are the ones that get me down, I'm not too worried about it but I guess I just need to get myself through those tough days and not let it get to me, like you say, surgery is always an option eventually and that gives me hope

I will try my hardest to get back into counselling but they are very hesitant to let me have it again, I first had a lady who was absolutely awful and a little shall we say old fashioned, she wouldn't stop talking about my sex life and persuaded me to get rid of my partner, so I got rid of her instead then my next psychotherapist was a lovely lady who became ill so I had to stop seeing her, then they left me in the dark without anyone for months, and finally, I saw a nice young lady a few times but she had no consideration for my health problems unfortunately :( so I will try and bring that up next time I see my doctor.

Its just so frustrating having multiple health problems as you can probably relate to, its difficult to focus on just the one, I see an allergist too because I have a severe peanut allergy as well as regular blood tests for my anaemia and asthma tests, ugh no wonder my doctor keeps saying to me "you have a long list of ongoing health problems" I feel like everyone else is out there earning a living and I'm here with "regularly attends medical appointments" as a damn career, I'm a lost cause I swear

[thejohnny]

No you are not a lost cause. Life loves to throw things at us and challenge our resolve all the time.firstly try your very best to not allow any dark thoughts to take hold ,you are dealing with enough right now focus not on suicidal thoughts or hopelessness, things will get better. You are reading this thinking WILL THEY!!! Yes they will. You are very young and it's really crap that you are having to deal with all this going on at once but don't give up. You have to fight for the help you need ,chase up your ENT appointment with the hospital as there are a lot of reasons you could be suffering so long with your sinuses most of which are easily treatable, if you feel that your g.p isn't helping fight your corner then change g.p. You need to get any c.b.t back in place even if that means getting re-refered. Please stay strong and try your best and try to focus on a sunny future rather than a dark today.

[bulan]

I can relate with the extreme frustration of not being able to work because of health issues. I have about five chronic illnesses, and I feel like a 'professional patient,' always going from one test or appointment to another. It also makes me feel like everyone is living a carefree life except me. But I've been a member of numerous health support groups on Facebook, and surprisingly that's given me a sense of awe over the huge number of people out there who are suffering in isolation. There are innumerable people struggling, like we are, with symptoms that can be debilitating. If there's any comfort in this, it's that we're not alone.

[Seraphexa]

Thankyou so much for the positive words Johnny, I am constantly worried about dying and that I am not living my life to the fullest as I'm being held back by my health problems, but like you said, dark thoughts are not helpful, I am a constant user of the dreaded "what if?" thinking process, saying "what if this turns into meningitis?" or "what if I have cancer?" and irrational thoughts like that, when really, even if I did have those things, I can't change it so its not worth worrying about, my health anxiety is ridiculous and as my granddads cancer progresses its only going to lead me to more worries about my own health :( I'm having a pretty bad day today, yesterday was quite good as I went out for a bit, but today, my sinus headache and stiff neck/feverishness are back with some dizziness, I began googling cancer symptoms again (silly girl I can't believe I still do that) when I know it won't help and will just make me worry more, I have around 6 weeks until my ENT appointment which hopefully will come around quickly, trying to stay positive and think of how healthy I'll be once all of this is gone it doesn't help that my boyfriend is one of the healthiest people I've ever met, he has perfect skin, is a healthy weight, and has no symptoms at all other than some mild jaw problems, he literally doesn't "do" anxiety, we've had several near miss car accidents and he just sits there all calm and collected while I'm having a panic attack, I don't know how he does it, he just doesn't understand health anxiety at all, I guess that's not a good thing sometimes :( Glad we can all join together on here and support each other, I hope things get better for you Bulan, everyone is fighting there own little fight (well other than my boyfriend apparently haha) hope things get better for you soon

[Speranza]

Endo is horrible. My younger daughter went through hell BUT she is out the other side.There is some great online support around. Try not to think ahead too far, just make it through the day you're on. xxxxx

[Seraphexa]

Thankyou Speranza (we have similar usernames, I got confused for a second haha) I'm glad your daughter is doing well, I am at the start of my battle so I guess I can expect things to be a little painful in these early days, I have had symptoms all my life as I can recall, such as heavy painful periods and random twinges in my stomach that I thought were something sinister such as appendicitis, getting shrugged off as normal or IBS etc., but it took me a few emergency hospital trips to actually be diagnosed with endometriosis, it was sort of a "aha, I told you so!" moment for me and I felt quite smug as I'd suspected it for quite a while, but now I realise the only solution is surgery and things like that, I'm kind of like, oh dear did your daughter have a laporoscopy, I think its called? I know my mother in laws friend has had a few and is now almost pain free, they seem to be quite successful. Getting to a point now that I have to squeeze my boyfriends hand while sitting on the toilet as pooping is like going into labour for me, I wouldn't wish this on anyone :(

[Speranza]

Hiya, my daughter went through a horrendous time if I'm honest. Everyone is different so I shan't go into much detail because some people get off relatively lightly. She had three operations - the first one, she lost an ovary at 14. It was meant to be keyhole surgery but she ended up with a huge scar and the prognosis of infertility, which plunged her into depression for 7 years. Second was to deal with bowel adhesions and the last was a hemi-hysterectomy (she had two wombs, they removed one) at 21.

After that things got a lot better and she has lived relatively pain-free for years. I know what you mean about the toilet. She had the same thing. You may well have adhesions.

She has just had a miscarriage which is sad, but it shows she can get pregnant so she's really thrilled about that whilst sad for her loss.

Feel free to PM me any time. I do understand, although I've not been through it as you have. I know how it is. xx