[Sharonsk]

Thanks Lynn

I really hope that I can get back to work, only thing is that last night it hit me like a bolt from the sky that if I return on Thursday I will miss my therapy, so hit a real low to be honest, I had someone tapping on my window and what with a phone call regarding John, the lot knocked my sideways, not going to say backwards or off my feet anymore (I've decided) I'm not going backwards ever again, things may knock me a bit but I'm not going back!

You are doing the right thing to returning to work, fantastic news, and if you start to panic then please get in touch by email or pm or something. Don't rush things though step by step hey, but incredibly impressed with you..... really not just saying it

Had an awful night last night and hope that one day I will wake and smile instead of crying.....but it has to come right?! and we can both get through it WE CAN.

Thank you and I will get stronger in a positive way not a masked way anymore.

[Sharonsk]

Originally Posted by Bill

how can I get angry with someone I love?

Need some reasons?...............

he would shout, throw things and push me out of his way, yet not once did I think to leave his side....

despite everything I have gone through and I have hurt so much so much, he just left me,

he left me and only strives to tell me that it is all my fault.

I have been beaten down for loving someone, who never really loved me back because you can't love someone and walk away when they are most in need.

My wife's first husband also mistreated my wife by throwing things at her and she carries the scars to prove it......and yet she too didn't want to lose him but he left. Now she's had me for 19 years but you'd have to ask her if she's happier now or not...but I think she is (even if I'm not! lol)....and so will you find true happiness with someone who appreciates you for the loving caring woman you are, and I will envy them!

Oh Bill

What can I say; I know you are trying to make me stronger, but John wasn't an aggressive man he was filled with frustration.

The thing is that when I was at my worse is when I needed him to reassure and that is when he would break and push me away, which only heightened my insecurities and anxiety, I was obviously going through depression and anxiety for a long time, without even being aware, just always felt as if my very heart and and stomach were being ripped out of me and I would shake and cry and not be able to breathe.

I wish you weren't so unhappy and I admire you for staying by standing by your wife, wish we could chat because it feels as if you are going through a lot of pain by staying and I would not want John to hurt which is why though I miss him more than he or the world will ever know I cannot ask him to carry on with that vicious circle we were trapped in. The only thing that I would have wished is that when the help arrived he had stood by me be it as current or ex partner, because it would have shown me that despite it all that he did love me enough, watching as he just gets on with his life like none of it happened just reinforces that all my doubts are real and I am being honest how can I get angry with or stop loving him, my love was genuine I'd say he was my first real love, I opened up to him like no one else and yet opened the flood gates at the same time.

You have been there for me time after time and I hope that we can be friends and I hope I haven't said anything out of place this morning

[Little Ali]

Good luck with the return to work

[Bill]

Sharon

You're very insightful and compassionate because alot of people would only see his anger and not the frustration behind it. I feel I know all about frustration in my situation because I live with it in various guises every day and quite often I confess I do snap and then feel bad about it afterwards but even after 5 mins can be anough for me to want to walk out of the room.

Having said that, is frustration really a good excuse to treat you the way he did? Wouldn't comfort, reassurance and understanding been a more appropriate and more effective way to treat you? Wouldn't have standing by your side to support you been more helpful than to walk out on you? Why should Anyone treat you differently from how you would treat them and why should Anyone turn their back on someone so loving and caring? I know you will probably blame yourself for your behaviour but I can't honestly see anything in what you've said that would give me any reason to want to walk away. All you've ever wanted is love, care, understanding, support and reassurance. How is that being unreasonable and why should it be so difficult to provide when you are such a lovely person? How is walking away showing love for someone you say you love?

Sharon, I'm not deliberately trying to make you stronger. I'm just saying what I honestly feel because you seem such a lovely person who has suffered so much when it's been so unjust because in my eyes you've done nothing wrong and yet been treated so badly. It just feels an injustice because you deserve to be treated so much better for the lovely person you are!

I just can't think of any reasonable excuse as to why you shouldn't be provided with the things you need to help you feel more secure in a loving relationship.

I would shake and cry and not be able to breathe.

What do we do for someone we love when they feel so ill? Get frustrated, lose our temper and walk out? How about hold and comfort them and dry their tears until they stop shaking to help them feel more secure by showing how much we love and care about them?...or is that too difficult? Is that a good reason not to try and give up instead?

Yes, we all want to be happy but if we are all selfish, none of us would ever find happiness because there would be no loving and caring about others because we all get ill at some point and that's when we need comfort most!

If I was ill and needed the support of my partner but they turned their back on me to suffer alone, I think I would be pretty upset and very hurt but I would also feel pretty damn angry that they should treat me in such a way when I know I could never do it to them....but I think your caring understanding nature prevents you from feeling the anger others might....which though then creates your anxiety because it has no release. However, it also shows what a lovely caring nature you have and why I think you're such a lovely person, as are anxiety sufferers in general.

[Sharonsk]

Thank you Little Ali and Bill, I'll do this I will and as usual I'm sitting here crying, another day to face and face it I will. Hugs sent to you all for being there.