[gtrgrl3369]

Hi Maddie..please believe that having demetia does change a persons personality and most of the time they act that way because they are scared. Try and imagine what it would be like to know that your mind is turning on you and there is nothing you can do to change it. Its kind of like having anxiety, but we can change what is wrong and find ways to deal with the symptoms, she can not. Your mom does need some supervised care it sounds like. Taking care of someone in your mothers condition is very tiring and draining. I do feel for you because it is hard to be around someone who behaves like that when you have your own issues going on. It might be time to get some help for her to relieve the pressure of you and your father. Take care honey, this is a hard road for you.

[DeMac]

Hi Maddie

Sorry to read of the difficulties you and your Dad are experiencing - I can relate to a lot of what you said as my own Mum has a form of alcoholic dementia and its very draining mentally and physcially on us. I wish there was something else I could do to help ya - Speaking to some sort of support team would be a good idea - Get the doc more involved - if you need a chat to rant or offload - U know how to find me. We are all here for you night or day

Take Care - Dee xx

[Maj]

Hello Maddie,

What a difficult situation for you and your father to be in. None of us would like to be in this position and my heart goes out to you both. Your mum is also in a place where no one would like to be. Have you contacted your social services for some support and advice from them? I have a relative with stroke induced dementia and she attends a day centre two days a week. She gets picked up and dropped home. It also gives her family some respite. It is an impossible situation but you need to get some help and look after yourself. Please contact social services.
Take care
Myrax

[maddie]

Myra, thanks for replying. Unfortunately, they can't receive any help from Social Services in this area as Dad saved all his working life and now has more than the threshold amount.

[Jay ann]

Hi

I am sorry to hear your news regarding your parents, it must be a very very hard time for you.

Dementia is a very cruel illness and very difficult to cope with.

I hope you can get some local support for all three of you and you will probably welcome some, if available.

Good luck for the future and I empathise with your situation as I have experienced a family member with dementia and the things that go with it.

Big hug.

[bottleblond]

Dementia is such a cruel disease.
My gran had dementia and watching her go from a very proud, propper, lovely lady to someone at times who was so hard to make any sense of was heart breaking!

I do believe it alters their personality because they can get so frustrated and angry because the are so easily confused and find even the basic things such as memory and hygene difficult to fathom.

It is very difficult for loved ones because they are watching their relative turn into a completely different person before their eyes and can do nothing to change that.

I haven't read all the replies to this thread so don't know if anyone has mentioned the 'dementia support groups'?

If you google that, it will give you contact information for somewhere nearby.

Thinking of you
Lisa
xxxx

[Veronica H]

just wanted to send a hug to you Maddie. I hope things settle down soon.

Veronicax

[Carol27]

Hi Maddie, I am so sorry to hear about your Mum, i have been working with Dementia patients for nearly 30 years and it can be devastating for all thos einvolved. There are several different types of dementia , some progress quicker than others and manifest is slightly different ways including paranoia and fear. Many inthe beginning realise something is not quite right and this is a scary place to be as amidst the lucid moments of clarity there are huge lapses in short term memory and as us anxiety sufferers well know fear can cause us to either want to run from people and hide or become angry and aggressive to those closest to us.

Dementia though need not all be doom and gloom, for the past 5 years i have managed a dementia wing in a nuring home and yes we have some difficult and sad moments but we always have a lot of laughs and fun too. We involve family members and in the beginning they started at confused, scared and unsure of everything like your family are at the moment.

You need support and advice, your Mum needs referral to the elderly mental health team, a good CPN with a understanding of all Dementias and then carers who are trained in the person centred care approach to this illness. At the moment you are all reacting this way due to fear and the unknown. The Alzheimers Society is a good place to start but then your Mums GP can arrange referral and a good Social worker can arrange maybe a short respite stay for your Mum if they feel this is necessary. With the right care, advice and approach things will improve for you all so you can come to terms with the future changes the illness itself will bring. Love to you all, Carol x

[maddie]

Thank you everyone. Carol, I have read all I can and it seems mum has multi-infarct dementia. Her diet is very poor. Dad was taking her out most days to restaurants for lunch just to make sure she ate, but he can no longer do that. She used to walk every day, but has stopped that too. Despite all our explanations and encouragement, she will now not eat properly or exercise. The doctor is aware, but without her co-operation nothing can be done to help her. As I said at the start of this thread, she has refused to go to the Memory Clinic. I understand this might be due to fear, but she will not talk about how she is feeling or what she is worried about. She's cut us all out. There is absolutely no way she would participate in an assessment or accept help from anyone like the Altzheimer's Society. Nor would she let carers into her home. Her rational, lucid periods are very rapidly becoming shorter and longer apart. She is in total denial that anything is wrong. Dad is becoming more skeletal daily. He's so worried what will happen to her. They live in a large bungalow. Dad is desperate to move as it is beyond him to manage it now. We took mum to see smaller bungalows and retirement flats, but she flatly refused to consider either. I think she knows that she couldn't function if she was moved from her current environment. But she's not managing there now. I found her looking for chops to cook for tea last week. They were already in the oven. Dad asked her not to use the toasted sandwich maker as he thought she'd burn her fingers, so she put a tuna sandwich in the ordinary toaster. She's becoming a risk to herself and him. How far do we let this get before we can insist on her having help? It will destroy dad if she has to be sectioned to a home. From my nursing experience, I know that he does not have long left. After 60 years, it is such a tragedy that their lives together should end like this.

[Bill]

Sweet Maddie

I'm Sorry but I didn't look round the board yesterday so I'm sorry I missed your thread.

As you know, I've cared for my wife for the past 19 years with her paranoia and irrational thoughts/questions etc so I feel I have a good idea as to how you and your Dad must be feeling, even though I realise your Mum's illness isn't the same as my wifes.

What Carol says makes perfect sense to me and she should know as she's worked in the field for so long.....

You need support and advice, your Mum needs referral to the elderly mental health team, a good CPN with a understanding of all Dementias and then carers who are trained in the person centred care approach to this illness.

This is really how I got started. For the first 5 years I had absolutely no support from anyone except our dctor and my wifes psychiatrist but no help whatsoever in the home. My wife was at home alone while I was working full time and during this time her paranoia was far worse than it is now. She would often either ring me at work telling me that neighbours were saying things against her or the boiler was talking to her etc. When I got home I was bombarded with irrational questions and paranoia directed at me together with having to cook and do the house chores etc. I just wanted to walk out but I couldn't so I'd lock myself in the bathroom.

I found that if I tried to rationalise her thoughts for her it just added fuel on to the fire so her questions would just continue. My solution was therefore to use silence and let her sort her thoughts out for herself because otherwise I got myself completely stressed out for no reason because whatever I said had no effect. She would always eventually come round on her own.

The hardest part though was the paranoid accusations accusing me of being "someone else", of working in another profession and wanting to harm her. It was very hurtful but I tried to remind myself it wasn't her talking- it was her illness. She would often ask me why I was upset and in tears because she would completely forget what she had said while she was ill. She had no idea what she was saying or any awareness as to the effect her words had on me.

I had to really fight the system until we got hold of a cpn. Once we had the cpn, we were then able to get hold of befrienders until now we have helpers who social services fund through a scheme called direct payments. This scheme has been of huge benefit to both my wife and myself because now the helpers get the questions which gives me a break!

I'm only saying the above so you have some idea of the things I've had to cope with.

Regarding your Dad, sometimes our heads must rule our hearts...

She's becoming a risk to herself and him.

If she is becoming a danger to herself and your Dad, and he feels he cannot cope, for their own safety, something needs to be sorted or provided. If I were in your situation, I would tell the doctor everything that's happening and raise all the concerns you have so they realise the seriousness of the situation. The last thing you or your Dad would want is for any harm to come to either of them so he needs to understand that safety must come first.

I realise how extremely difficult things must be for you and your Dad but my view is you really need to lay everything on the table with the doctor with you and your Dad present to help him accept how bad things have become. If they feel the only option is 24hr care, your Dad can still visit every day but maybe with his illness on top they can find another arrangement so that enough support can be provided in their home. Something has to be sorted though Maddie because you and your Dad can't go on like this especially if harm could result to either of them. You could also become very ill with the stress yourself. I've been there and in some ways I'm still there so for everyone's sake, I honestly feel the doctor really needs told everything so that they can put something in place to ease the situation.

Hope that's of some help Sweet Maddie. I Really feel for you.